Dance first, think later.

I've been having hard time in my life lately.
Things I thought I had learned long ago seem to haunt me.
Too many days I've found myself with my head in my hands
Cheeks black with tears.
If I let myself think, even (especially) about those I love, the pain is too much to handle.
Sometimes I feel as if I can't breathe.

When everything seems hopeless, I have one ray of light.
Dance.
And it may sound childish, or cheesy, or whatever, but it's true.
When I dance, nothing matters. My brain shuts down.
There's no room for thinking, all your energy is channeled into focusing.
The people in my class make me feel like I matter.

I may not be the greatest dancer, even for how long I've been in class.
But that doesn't matter to me anymore.
I don't dance to be good. I want to improve, yes, but what matters most is what dance does for me.
It's my chance to be selfish.
To take my hour and a half that I'm there and shut out the world.
Nothing matters.
It'll be waiting for me when I get back.

And it is.
Whatever.
I can't make it go away.
But the two+ hours a week that I can avoid it, pure bliss.

Be Yourself.

One thing I really love about the people in my dance class
They don't even know me, and they love and accept me.

I haven't told them any of my history, most have them have never even seen me with my hair down.
Yet, they love me.
I act a fool, mostly cause I'm exhausted and have no filter by the time we have class
Yet they love me.

It's the favorite few hours of my week.

Keep going.

I can't escape the fact that everything is going to be okay...

It's just a matter of getting there.

That sometimes you have to let things get rough so that God can fully do what He wants to do. Like in Esther. If Haman hadn't made the King make the decree to destroy the Jews, then the Jews wouldn't have been able to overcome their enemies. They would have just been living in a tense state forever. But the Lord knew. And Esther and Mordecai were obedient. So it worked out beautifully.

I have to hold to this.

I have no other choice.

I gotta face my fears.

I have to keep waking up in the morning. 

Keep letting my feet hit the floor.

Keep facing the things I can't stand.

Hold to the good.

Hold to the hope, even when it seems bleak.

I have to accept that things don't make sense, and that's okay.

That I don't have to have the answers.

No matter how much I want to. How much I want all of this to be over, to be happy all the time, to not feel like I'm fighting.

This is difficult. 

But I must endure.

I can't not...

I can't afford not to...

So I'll cry.

I'll scream.

I'll curl up into a pitiful ball.

I'll eat ice cream when I want.

I'll write.

I'll ask questions that don't have answers.

I'll laugh and try my best to enjoy the good things I do have around me. 

I'll dance. Every chance I get. 

I'll pray. 

Every breath laced with communication to God.

I'll remember to breathe

But hold my breath when I need to.

When I feel I need to reset.

I'll do all I can to make it through.

I'll keep going.

Breakthrough has to come eventually.

Therapy.

I've come to realize how much I look forward to dance class.
I'll have a horrible day, be crying the whole drive there, and I get there and it all melts away.
That hour, nothing else matters.
Nothing from the past is looming
Nothing from the future scares me
All that matters is the step you're doing and the one coming up next.

It's almost like time stops.

We're off all next week for the holiday.
This makes me nervous, because I have come to depend so much on it.
But, that's okay.

I have something to look forward to.
Something to keep me going.
I may not be the best, but I feel so alive.
I can't not dance.

<3