Summer classes

Okay, so this isn't really anything I'm learning, but it is something I'm really excited about!
Jilissa told us today what to expect for the summer classes.
Usually we'll start a little earlier or go a little longer or something that changes it a little bit.

Today she told us we would start at 5:15 instead of 6.
That Beginner/Intermediate will be from 5:15-6:15
Then we'll have a pointe class from 6:15-6:45
Then we'll have advanced from 6:45-8

She then told us,
"I highly recommend you stay for the pointe class. Even if you're not on pointe yet, but you're working towards it. It's going to be a lot of releve's and strengthening exercises. It's going to be really good. And every single one of you in here can stay for the advanced class. I want every single one of you in the advanced class."
wait, all of us? We can all stay?
I can stay for advanced?!

She then went on to tell us that it's going to be a lot of hard work and really going for it this summer. Summer's tend to be a little more intense and really good for challenging and bettering you.
I'm really excited. My goal is to get on pointe by fall, but I know if that doesn't happen, then it'll be okay. I don't want to get on earlier than what I'm ready for. But she was making a lot of eye contact with me, so I know she knows I want this. And the fact that she's changing the classes to do these things that are going to help me so much, I'm PUMPED.

I'm really looking forward to summer :)

My heart belongs in flight.

I got to stay for the advanced class yesterday.
It was the perk of being the only dancer to show up that wasn't advanced.
Only 4 people were in the class.
This never happens.
I think it helped. We were able to focus and really hone in.
I'm clearly not an advanced dancer, but I definitely loved getting to experience it.
To know where my path will hopefully one day go.
To know what I'm working towards.
We got to do partnering, too.
My first time ever.
I can't remember the last time I felt so alive
So free.
I felt like a professional, even though I know well that I am not.
In my mind, I was flawless.
It felt like flying.
It felt like grace.
There, in that moment, nothing else mattered.
Not a thing in the world.
Nothing before, nothing after
Just that moment of weightless grace.

That is where my heart belongs.

I'm so grateful to have had that taste.

Discipline.

I think nowadays, people don't learn what discipline really is.
Most people, that is. Some do.

In class, I find myself challenged a lot. And there's plenty of times I can make excuses.
"I can't do this on the right side because of my knee"
"I feel nauseous, maybe I shouldn't go to class"
"I'm not as good as them, so I'm just gonna keep it low key so they don't see me struggle as I try."
"Um. I can't even say that. It looks like a complicated prance. Maybe I shouldn't try it today."

And I tell myself.
"SHUT UP AND DANCE."

If all I do is make excuses, then I'm never going to get anywhere. I'm never going to reach my goal.
The least I can do is try.
If it hurts, then I know.
If I can't do it now, I can't do it.
If I'm not as good as them, at least I'm on my way.
If I don't feel good, I can always leave when I've had enough.

I'm never going to get anywhere with excuses.

Same with life.
Mine has been all over the place and really inconsistent.

I can make all the excuses in the world.
"I can't eat better until I have my own place."
"I'm not gonna cook, I don't like feeling watched."
"I don't have time"
"I have too much to do."
"I can't do this until *insert excuse here* happens."
And then whine about all the weight I've gained and how nothing has changed.

If I want there to be progress in my life, I have to first start.
I have to do what I can. I have to meet fate halfway.
At least.
I have to do something.
Something is better than nothing.

So I'm stuck in a building I can't leave for 12 straight hours.
I can't go to the gym, I can't go walking, but there are activities I can do here.
I don't have to get fast food because it's easy. I can get premade sandwiches and salads and stuff that's fresh and fairly healthy. Better than grease.

Pointe is, I can stop making excuses and start making progress.

(see what I did there?)

Keep your chin up

Forgive me in my attempts to explain things today.
My head is fuzzy.

Our dance teacher was explaining to us the balance in keeping our chests lifted as we raised our legs in arabesque as we did this one move I don't remember the name of.
It's like a pendulum. Our arm shifts down as our leg shifts up, but we have to keep it level.
If not, it's broken.

The way she said this statement hit me.

Keep your chin up, keep it level. If not, it's broken.
Keep your chin up, little dancer.
You are not broken.
Nothing can break your spirit.
Keep your head up.

Diagnosis.

I have arthritis in my knee.
At the ripe old age of 24, I have arthritis.
My doctor is going to send me to physical therapy in hopes that it will help.
They did xrays on Friday which I should hear back about tomorrow.
So far, no surgery.
This good.
Still, it's scary.
I noticed in class Thursday that I was too afraid of pain to try and push my right side very much.
This is a hindrance.
A million and 17 fears ran through my brain.

I can't let those define me.
I am more than arthritis.
I am more than any ailment that tries to come against me.
And I'm gonna dance, gosh darn it.

Keep on dreaming, even if it breaks your heart.

The human body can be broken, but the human spirit is uncrushable.
If you decide you won't let it be crushed.

I finally broke down and asked Jilissa about the pain in my knee.
It was tolerable, but has recently started getting worse.
I noticed a while back that when I bend my right knee, it felt like it was crunching under the knee cap. I had asked Jilissa about it, and she made a grimace face. Not good. She told me to watch it and try and be careful with it.
That was almost a year ago. For the most part it's been okay, but I noticed last week that it was pretty consistently shooting pain in the same spot.
So I asked her.
Once again, grimace.
She said that under the knee cap, it's not good. It could possibly need to be scraped. Dr's usually say not to do the surgery unless it's affecting your day-to-day like. "But, you're a dancer, so." She said that technology and modern medicine has come a long way, so I could possibly only be out for 3 weeks. But she's not a Dr, so all of this could be way off.
I decided I'm gonna get it checked out anyway. Just to see.
I really don't want to. I'm afraid I'll be told not to dance. Or not to get on pointe. Which it my dream I'm working towards. Or that I wouldn't get to do recital in June, which I have been looking forward to all year.
But, I can't let this overwhelm me.
If I give up, then I really will never reach my dreams.
Sure, it's a pretty tough pill to swallow to think that I may lose the one and only thing I really have left to hold on to. But I have to keep pushing forward.
Stopping ensures defeat.

Remember to breathe.

I have a horrible habit.
When I focus really hard, I forget to breathe.
Whether it be while crocheting, reading, watching the turning point in a movie, something super specific...
Anything that demands my full attention.
Sometimes I'll be on a long black train of thoughts and realize I'm not breathing.

It's worst when I dance.
Trying to remember everything; turn out from the hip, use your core, pull up in your legs, chest lifted. Let alone trying to do a circular port de bras and rond de jambe at the same time. In releve.
If you forget to breathe, forget it. You'll end a 30 second combination super light headed and beat down.

I was having a rough night this week, and a dear friend said simply, "Remember to breathe."
When I get really upset, I'll hold my breathe. I don't even realize it.
But it's like in dance when I'm really focused. I have to remember or else it's going to make the next combination even more difficult.

I'm never going to be put through anything I can't handle.
If I can remember to breathe, remember to think clearly, remember to dismiss the lies telling me of all the ways I fall short, then I will be able to endure. Then the next thing that comes at me will be endurable. I'll know I can do it because I have before.

Remember to breathe.
Everything is better in the morning.