Tough.

I've had tons of thoughts to post on here.

Informative things Jilissa has told us
Interesting perspectives
Insight.

But, I'm not gonna back track and type all that.
Not now.

I had a conversation with Jilissa Thursday:
Me: I'll be 25 next year. My goal is to be on pointe by then. Do you think this is possible?
Her: *Gimmace*
Me: I'm consistently in 2 times a week now. Work is letting me do that. I want to do 3 times a week as soon as possible...
Her: Let's shoot for January and see where you are.

I was pretty excited.
This made me feel like I have something to strive for.
My dreams and goals in sight.
And this is bigger than just some fleeting bucket list idea
This is something I have wanted since I can remember
Something my grandpa used to ask me about
He's gone now...
This links me to the parts of childhood that were happy.
About the only parts I haven' questioned here recently...

Today, I was trying really hard
To focus, pay attention, soak up everything I can.
I couldn't help but feel like I have a long way to go...
My flexibility needs major improvement
My turn out is pathetic
And sometimes when I get over zealous, it messes up my knee...

I got in my car after today's class, thinking about all the ways it would be easier to focus if things were different.
Then I thought,
"I think sometimes you just have to lack something before you can really appreciate it. Lack makes you want it."

Hah.
Is that what I'm going through in my life?
All this other hardship and questions and tears and breakdowns...
Is this the lack, making sure I really want it?

I guess we shall see.

Let it go...

Today was an exceptionally hard day for me.
And as soon as I thought it couldn't get worse, I get a blow from left field.
I almost didn't even go into dance. I was afraid that whatever it is making me sick would get in the way, or that I would not be able to do the moves and would get discouraged.
I came in the hopes that I would do better than when I practiced at home yesterday and had to stop after 4 pirouettes because of my stomach. That I would build confidence rather than build a mental block.
At the beginning of class, my right knee started hurting as I did my plies. It's been hurting recently, but usually tolerable and usually I could focus and concentrate enough to avoid it.
Today it ended up with shooting pain in my knee.
Great.
I tried as hard as I could. I hate making excuses for why I can't do things. Call me stubborn. But today with the combination of my stomach/pancreas/whatever and my knee, there were points I had to stop and catch back up when I could.
When we were doing floor work, she pointed out that a lot of us were stiff. Instead of looking like we enjoyed what we did, we looked like we were being tortured. Then she said three words that almost made me cry.
"Let it go."
I feel like she was speaking to my life as a whole, as well as to dancing.
We dance because we want to. Not because our parents make us or we have any obligation. We know the steps, now we just need to let it go and enjoy the steps.
"I want to see your joy. The audience, they want to see your joy. Even if you're shaken on the inside, show us your joy on the outside."

Words to live by.