Change is in the air.
Meaning, I'm taking the blog to a new level.
Meaning, it officially has a .com!
I've moved (just this blog, the others are still here) (what, I have others?!) (yes. I'm pathetic) over to Wordpress, which was heavily debated for a while.
All my old posts are there, but I'll be keeping this blog up still. Sentiment and all.
So if you're looking for Learning More Than Moves, then head on over to anothernightatthebarre.com and keep getting the updates! You can subscribe and comment and all that good stuff.
There's also a facebook page you can "like" where I'll post when I update and stuff.
I know, it's weird. I'm getting savvy.
Bare with me as I keep changing and updating and improving, and thanks for always being so loyal and kind to me as I navigate this road I'm on!
I'm nothing without you guys! <3
Everything I need to know about life, I learned in dance class
Thursday, February 18, 2016
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Daily Auditions
During warmup at rehearsal on Saturday, Ms. Munro made a comment.
She said that during auditions, we really present and give our all and look our best, yet when we have class and rehearsals, we do less than that. She said we should do our audition-best all the time. Pushing our limits and working hard every class is how we will improve.
These words were mostly met with grumbled excuses of how 10am is so early for a Saturday and glazed eyes spacing out on who knows what.
But I took that.
I thought of the girls that seem to get every role.
Of course, they're talented, but so are these ones that get overlooked. What's the difference?
I watched during rehearsal, and saw how those were the girls smiling through rehearsal--treating it like a performance. I know this isn't always easy, especially in the learning process. But it is possible to give a little more to try and make it as much of a show as you can.
To treat it like an audition.
So I decided I will do just that.
From now on, ever class, every rehearsal is an audition.
I'm gonna try and keep my brain clear, so I don't freak out. I'm going to tell myself I can do these things. I'm going to work even harder outside of the class room. I'm going to do everything I can to show them I want this; to better myself.
Yesterday's class is the one day I can get away with slacking off, but I didn't. I determined to implement this immediately.There were moments I faltered, but I tried to use every opportunity to add in extra and really give my all. Of course, there are limitations--especially for me. But I worked around the limitations, pushing them as far as I could, to get the most out of class possible.
I found myself sweating complete buckets, but also doing things I typically can't do and trying things that would scare me. I made it through combinations I usually struggle with and even saw improvements on some of my steps, once even getting a "Good!" from the teacher who doesn't really compliment.
I was even able to do an en dedan turn on my bad side, though that shoe felt better for some reason, making risk a little less scary. Curious to explore to find out why.
A humorous part of class was when we did a combination across the floor. I was doing pretty alright until it got to chaines. I tried on the first side, and honestly tried on the second side, until--ya know--I forgot my left leg is shorter and had my hips squared which meant the floor wasn't where I expected it to be and it felt like when you miss a step walking down stairs. Pretty hilarious, especially since I didn't get hurt. Hehe
I had a friend text me after class saying that I looked really good in class yesterday. Coming from her, I know she means it, which means so much to me, and fuels my fire even more.
(Hannah's feet on Saturday)
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Beginnings
It is clear that learning a part as complex as the Swan corps is way more difficult as a cover than as an actual swan. I sometimes find myself wondering if the girls know how lucky they truly are to have their place set and sure, not having to worry about what the other groups are doing.
I was Abarrane for part of the rehearsal Saturday since she had ACT testing in the morning. It wasn't too difficult, since she was the opposite of Adrienne, except for the bits I couldn't remember. Oops.
But that's okay. We got it fixed and worked out and all is well.
When Abarrane got there, I tried to watch for the people I know will be out coming up, and it got complicated. They are each something different. Then I come to the realization that even being this proactive won't guarantee I'll get the spot if someone drops. It could be a matter of height. These other covers are dedicated to learning it as well.
Instead of being overcome by bitterness, fear, and jealousy, I approached the girls with an idea: Let's for some kind of group as the covers to make sure we enjoy this instead of just sitting on the sidelines sad. "Let's be so cool the other girls wished they were us." Haha.
Catherine and Maddie came up with a clever name--The Ugly Ducklings.
In the story, the ugly duckling tries so hard to be like the swans he sees, but just can't be. (Until he grows up and realizes he was a wan all along, just needed a little growth.)
We want to make shirts. It's gonna be great.
The girls are excited about it, as am I. We even have a fun little hand sign thing.
It still stings a bit to not be a swan. Seeing and hearing the other girls get so excited for costume fittings and photo day and all, knowing I just have to watch from the sidelines again. But it is what it is. There's nothing we can do about it.
Instead, I had Ms. Heidi look at my shoes, and asked her what she thought. I've been told I don't pull out of my shoe, but I don't know what else to do to be better about that. She was able to explain what I need to think about, and give me some things to try at home to help me get better. It'll take time, but if I start now it'll be very beneficial.
In her Jazz/Lyrical class, we had a new girl, Valerie. She paired her with me since my partner wasn't there to work on recital. I taught her our bit and we did it side by side instead of mirrored. I had no idea that the only dance training she had was dance class in high school. She took the adult ballet and said it was really fast, but she wanted to dance so she's gonna stick with it. She really liked the Lyrical class, which was good. She picked things up really well and was able to just go with it, even though she didn't know what half the stuff was. I was really impressed. She told me how she wished she would have started dancing younger, but was excited to start now. She's from Austin, and down here for school. She seems like a great person, and it was fun to actually have someone in the class understand my cultural references from when I was a kid. (Lookin' at you, Zenon, Girl of the 21st Century.)
Valerie is going to do recital, so Heidi was trying to think of how to work with the new numbers. She might have Valerie take my spot, and teach me a new thing entirely, thinking it may be easier to learn since I won't be here a lot from work coming up. Which is exciting, but also a bit nerve wracking.
It was refreshing having Valerie in class. It reminded me of what I felt when I first started--that bit that can get lost in all the striving and stress. I still have a ways to go, and loads to learn, but I've come so far from that first anxiety-ridden day. And it's not all about hitting one certain goal, it's about the process. It's about every day, working hard--not just one show or role. It's about being better today than I was yesterday. If I can do that, I am successful.
(Repeat to myself when I'm starting to feel the sting again.)
I was Abarrane for part of the rehearsal Saturday since she had ACT testing in the morning. It wasn't too difficult, since she was the opposite of Adrienne, except for the bits I couldn't remember. Oops.
But that's okay. We got it fixed and worked out and all is well.
When Abarrane got there, I tried to watch for the people I know will be out coming up, and it got complicated. They are each something different. Then I come to the realization that even being this proactive won't guarantee I'll get the spot if someone drops. It could be a matter of height. These other covers are dedicated to learning it as well.
Instead of being overcome by bitterness, fear, and jealousy, I approached the girls with an idea: Let's for some kind of group as the covers to make sure we enjoy this instead of just sitting on the sidelines sad. "Let's be so cool the other girls wished they were us." Haha.
Catherine and Maddie came up with a clever name--The Ugly Ducklings.
In the story, the ugly duckling tries so hard to be like the swans he sees, but just can't be. (Until he grows up and realizes he was a wan all along, just needed a little growth.)
We want to make shirts. It's gonna be great.
The girls are excited about it, as am I. We even have a fun little hand sign thing.
It still stings a bit to not be a swan. Seeing and hearing the other girls get so excited for costume fittings and photo day and all, knowing I just have to watch from the sidelines again. But it is what it is. There's nothing we can do about it.
Instead, I had Ms. Heidi look at my shoes, and asked her what she thought. I've been told I don't pull out of my shoe, but I don't know what else to do to be better about that. She was able to explain what I need to think about, and give me some things to try at home to help me get better. It'll take time, but if I start now it'll be very beneficial.
In her Jazz/Lyrical class, we had a new girl, Valerie. She paired her with me since my partner wasn't there to work on recital. I taught her our bit and we did it side by side instead of mirrored. I had no idea that the only dance training she had was dance class in high school. She took the adult ballet and said it was really fast, but she wanted to dance so she's gonna stick with it. She really liked the Lyrical class, which was good. She picked things up really well and was able to just go with it, even though she didn't know what half the stuff was. I was really impressed. She told me how she wished she would have started dancing younger, but was excited to start now. She's from Austin, and down here for school. She seems like a great person, and it was fun to actually have someone in the class understand my cultural references from when I was a kid. (Lookin' at you, Zenon, Girl of the 21st Century.)
Valerie is going to do recital, so Heidi was trying to think of how to work with the new numbers. She might have Valerie take my spot, and teach me a new thing entirely, thinking it may be easier to learn since I won't be here a lot from work coming up. Which is exciting, but also a bit nerve wracking.
It was refreshing having Valerie in class. It reminded me of what I felt when I first started--that bit that can get lost in all the striving and stress. I still have a ways to go, and loads to learn, but I've come so far from that first anxiety-ridden day. And it's not all about hitting one certain goal, it's about the process. It's about every day, working hard--not just one show or role. It's about being better today than I was yesterday. If I can do that, I am successful.
(Repeat to myself when I'm starting to feel the sting again.)
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Thoughts.
Yesterday's advanced class was...something.
It wasn't bad, it was just super crowded (we were only missing one person. That never happens.) and there were some complex things given to us, and that's when Ms. Munro thought it would be a great time to watch us all. I feel this innate pressure to prove myself, and having her watching made me so nervous. I felt like it was just screaming that I didn't belong there.
I shook it off. It is what it is.
The good thing about classes this week, is that they are challenging me and really helping me push out of my comfort zone and work the areas that I really need help in. So that's been nice.
Downside, the Gaynor's flopped so I'm back to square one.
Although, I believe the main root of my problem is the lack of strength in my hips (I struggle to maintain turnout on one leg) and the fact that I've been sick for so long, hesitating on engaging my core has sadly become second nature. Learning to push out of that, while not pushing too hard--it's a struggle.
After class, I was able to go in the small studio with Adrienne and show her what we learned in Swan rehearsal Saturday so she'd be ready this weekend. She picked it up pretty well, which is great. She took pictures of my notes after so that way if she forgot something, she could reference it.
When I got home, I was trying to mentally prepare myself for not dancing that part this weekend. To open my mind to the fact that I'd be at a different place in line, a different place in formations, following different people and at some points doing different steps. Thinking about it beforehand helps me remain calm and open in the situation itself.
As I did, I thought about who all I know will be out and has asked me to learn their part. Abarrane will be late this weekend, which is good cause she's opposite Adrienne. The next weekend, Jessica is out, which isn't too far from what I've learned since she's next to Adrienne in formations. She said she'd teach me their different part this Saturday. Lauren will be out for drill team two weeks, so I need to learn her part as well, but she isn't too too different either, since she's in that same last section.
I realized after this month, covering just these people, I'll know every part. At least for what we've learned so far.
How cool is that?
All Adrienne has to concern herself with is her part; what I've shown her and what she'll learn moving forward. She won't learn what I learn; at least she isn't required to.
So even though I may learn all of this and not get to dance the role, it's pretty cool that I will essentially know this part better than anyone else. And should the need arise, be there to step in in a heartbeat.
It wasn't bad, it was just super crowded (we were only missing one person. That never happens.) and there were some complex things given to us, and that's when Ms. Munro thought it would be a great time to watch us all. I feel this innate pressure to prove myself, and having her watching made me so nervous. I felt like it was just screaming that I didn't belong there.
I shook it off. It is what it is.
The good thing about classes this week, is that they are challenging me and really helping me push out of my comfort zone and work the areas that I really need help in. So that's been nice.
Downside, the Gaynor's flopped so I'm back to square one.
Although, I believe the main root of my problem is the lack of strength in my hips (I struggle to maintain turnout on one leg) and the fact that I've been sick for so long, hesitating on engaging my core has sadly become second nature. Learning to push out of that, while not pushing too hard--it's a struggle.
After class, I was able to go in the small studio with Adrienne and show her what we learned in Swan rehearsal Saturday so she'd be ready this weekend. She picked it up pretty well, which is great. She took pictures of my notes after so that way if she forgot something, she could reference it.
When I got home, I was trying to mentally prepare myself for not dancing that part this weekend. To open my mind to the fact that I'd be at a different place in line, a different place in formations, following different people and at some points doing different steps. Thinking about it beforehand helps me remain calm and open in the situation itself.
As I did, I thought about who all I know will be out and has asked me to learn their part. Abarrane will be late this weekend, which is good cause she's opposite Adrienne. The next weekend, Jessica is out, which isn't too far from what I've learned since she's next to Adrienne in formations. She said she'd teach me their different part this Saturday. Lauren will be out for drill team two weeks, so I need to learn her part as well, but she isn't too too different either, since she's in that same last section.
I realized after this month, covering just these people, I'll know every part. At least for what we've learned so far.
How cool is that?
All Adrienne has to concern herself with is her part; what I've shown her and what she'll learn moving forward. She won't learn what I learn; at least she isn't required to.
So even though I may learn all of this and not get to dance the role, it's pretty cool that I will essentially know this part better than anyone else. And should the need arise, be there to step in in a heartbeat.
Monday, February 1, 2016
Retrospect
Yesterday, a friend I've known since Instep made a comment.
She said she was talking to a girl who was part of her dance group at the local university (I took pictures of them back when they were still in school) around Nutcracker and how impressed she was when she told her I was the Rat Queen.
You see, these girls knew me when I was first starting out.
They were in those classes where everything was hard and I was struggling.
To hear that she saw the improvement and was impressed, and even proud, made me feel so good.
I was looking at my blog today, and saw how they auto-filter spam comments, so decided to look through and see if anything exciting showed up.
Turns out I had a new comment from a post in September that I had somehow missed.
And the timing couldn't have been more perfect.
I went back to the post and re-read it. Of course, it was the one where I really stopped to remember how far I had come in the last four years. As much as I hate to accept that this is only as far as I am, I can't let myself believe that this is nothing.
I was really quite terrible in the beginning, but I kept working on it, and never gave up even when I really wanted to. Something in me wouldn't let me throw in the towel.
And here I am, finding myself in one of those situations again where throwing in the towel seems easier--less embarrassing.
I couldn't let myself if I tried.
Even with the thought of "I should just quit," there is a fear in the back of my mind of the day that will inevitably come when I have to hang up my pointe shoes and stop dancing. I don't want that day to come. I don't want to just work and go home. I don't want to ever not have a studio to go to.
I don't want to stop dancing.
When favor falls on the opposite side of my fence, and when the bar is just a bit too far from my reach, I have to keep myself going. I'm more than a role or a label or a certain level.
I dance for me.
And really, thank you, dear readers, for your comments of encouragement. They do more for me than I could ever express.
She said she was talking to a girl who was part of her dance group at the local university (I took pictures of them back when they were still in school) around Nutcracker and how impressed she was when she told her I was the Rat Queen.
You see, these girls knew me when I was first starting out.
They were in those classes where everything was hard and I was struggling.
To hear that she saw the improvement and was impressed, and even proud, made me feel so good.
I was looking at my blog today, and saw how they auto-filter spam comments, so decided to look through and see if anything exciting showed up.
Turns out I had a new comment from a post in September that I had somehow missed.
And the timing couldn't have been more perfect.
I went back to the post and re-read it. Of course, it was the one where I really stopped to remember how far I had come in the last four years. As much as I hate to accept that this is only as far as I am, I can't let myself believe that this is nothing.
I was really quite terrible in the beginning, but I kept working on it, and never gave up even when I really wanted to. Something in me wouldn't let me throw in the towel.
And here I am, finding myself in one of those situations again where throwing in the towel seems easier--less embarrassing.
I couldn't let myself if I tried.
Even with the thought of "I should just quit," there is a fear in the back of my mind of the day that will inevitably come when I have to hang up my pointe shoes and stop dancing. I don't want that day to come. I don't want to just work and go home. I don't want to ever not have a studio to go to.
I don't want to stop dancing.
When favor falls on the opposite side of my fence, and when the bar is just a bit too far from my reach, I have to keep myself going. I'm more than a role or a label or a certain level.
I dance for me.
And really, thank you, dear readers, for your comments of encouragement. They do more for me than I could ever express.
Since I couldn't find the first picture, here's a side-by-side of my attitude in September 2014 versus July 2015.
Saturday, January 30, 2016
Swan Rehearsal
We had our first Swan Lake rehearsal today.
When we got there, seven girls were missing, one of whom was also a cover, which left us four covers with six spots to fill. We sort of went by height, and then just left the other two spots for later.
I was the cover for my friend Adrienne, since she is one of the tallest.
It went really well, and I think we learned a good chunk of the swan bit. I wouldn't say it was all that hard, but definitely takes immense stamina and dedication with attention to detail. It's not for the faint of heart.
The swans are all--obviously--part of the corps, but there are many different variations of corps work among it. Being the cover is turning out to be quite the endeavor. There are parts that are just mirrored on each other, then depending on if you're stage right or stage left with determine which leg to begin on. Of course, Adrienne wasn't part of that. she was in the back of the middle, which had the different bit. What's more is that she is part of a section that consists of just her and one other dancer. It's not really a solo since they're all dancing at the same time, but it is different from everyone else.
Chances are once I teach this to Adrienne, I'll never have to learn it again. So I had one of the girls in the middle part teach me the different part they learned. Of course, I didn't retain it as well, but at least I get the gist of it. I also had one of the girls on the sides show me what it is they do so at least I'm exposed to it and if I'm thrown in one of those spots, it won't be completely foreign.
I asked my friend who owns the DVD from our last production if I can borrow it so I can learn all the different sections, just in case.
Ps. Two of the girls that were missing showed up late, so the one went in her spot and the cover went in the other.
I sewed my Gaynor's just in case we had to do pointe today, though I doubted we did. I put them on after rehearsal to get a picture for a friend who couldn't be there, and then showed them to Mrs. Alex. Ms. Munro ended up coming over as well, so we discussed my feet and my shoes and how my knee doesn't hurt, even after this rehearsal, and why I don't do jumps in Julie's class, and Ms. Munro agreed to not do grand plie's and all that. Mrs. Alex even said these shoes made my feet look better. I don't want them to cause me to be lazy, but it definitely is nice having the extra support in keeping my arch where it needs to be.
We are a bit concerned about the sizing on them, since my big toe literally hits the end and feels like it's being pushed hard enough to make the knuckle bend, but Gaynor's are supposed to give a bit with wear, so we're going to see how that goes.
After assisting class on Friday, I was talking with a friend who also teaches at the studio. She told me, very gently and tactfully, that she thought my shoes held me back at auditions. I told her about the fitting earlier this week and how I got Gaynor's, and she agreed that they sounded like the best option. She has similar issues and was able to give me even more insight on how to help with it.
I swear, if it wasn't for my dance friends, I don't know if I would be able to keep dancing. Their advice and input and support has literally been everything.
I'm pretty exhausted after today. Didn't help that my body still hates me and food isn't really my friend. I'm at a loss of what else to do about it.
I decided that on the days I get to rehearse for swans, I will tell myself, "You are a swan." It helps me be more into it when we actually do it, rather than just feel like the title of "cover" is looming over me. I have no idea what the future holds. There is a very real possibility that I can do all this work and never get to dance it. There is also a possibility that one of the other covers could get it over me. I don't know. I try not to think about it. I'm going to move on and keep going and do my best, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt to think about. But, it also doesn't mean I need to talk about it. I feel stupid mentioning it at all anymore. Like maybe people aren't telling me everything and maybe I'm not as good as I think I am.
One of my teachers told me today to not take missing out on this role as a sign that I'm not good. She said that there's probably more playing into it, and it may not be fair to me, but that it's part of the deal. I don't know how much of that is true, but you almost can't help but believe that it is. Reality is, it's a small town, and this non profit runs on money that I may not bring in simply because I'm older, I don't have super loaded friends or tons of family dying to pay loads of money to see me dance.
My reality is that each day there's another reminder of how much I wanted this, slapping me in the face, showing me I missed the mark. No one really knows what all is going on on the inside. But honestly, I don't think that's for anyone but me to know.
What good would it do to share that with anyone anyway? No one can change things. All I can do now is work my butt off and hope it's not for nothing.
And limit my crying.
And not get overwhelmed as work starts getting more intense.
Ahhhhhhhhhh
When we got there, seven girls were missing, one of whom was also a cover, which left us four covers with six spots to fill. We sort of went by height, and then just left the other two spots for later.
I was the cover for my friend Adrienne, since she is one of the tallest.
It went really well, and I think we learned a good chunk of the swan bit. I wouldn't say it was all that hard, but definitely takes immense stamina and dedication with attention to detail. It's not for the faint of heart.
The swans are all--obviously--part of the corps, but there are many different variations of corps work among it. Being the cover is turning out to be quite the endeavor. There are parts that are just mirrored on each other, then depending on if you're stage right or stage left with determine which leg to begin on. Of course, Adrienne wasn't part of that. she was in the back of the middle, which had the different bit. What's more is that she is part of a section that consists of just her and one other dancer. It's not really a solo since they're all dancing at the same time, but it is different from everyone else.
Chances are once I teach this to Adrienne, I'll never have to learn it again. So I had one of the girls in the middle part teach me the different part they learned. Of course, I didn't retain it as well, but at least I get the gist of it. I also had one of the girls on the sides show me what it is they do so at least I'm exposed to it and if I'm thrown in one of those spots, it won't be completely foreign.
I asked my friend who owns the DVD from our last production if I can borrow it so I can learn all the different sections, just in case.
Ps. Two of the girls that were missing showed up late, so the one went in her spot and the cover went in the other.
I sewed my Gaynor's just in case we had to do pointe today, though I doubted we did. I put them on after rehearsal to get a picture for a friend who couldn't be there, and then showed them to Mrs. Alex. Ms. Munro ended up coming over as well, so we discussed my feet and my shoes and how my knee doesn't hurt, even after this rehearsal, and why I don't do jumps in Julie's class, and Ms. Munro agreed to not do grand plie's and all that. Mrs. Alex even said these shoes made my feet look better. I don't want them to cause me to be lazy, but it definitely is nice having the extra support in keeping my arch where it needs to be.
We are a bit concerned about the sizing on them, since my big toe literally hits the end and feels like it's being pushed hard enough to make the knuckle bend, but Gaynor's are supposed to give a bit with wear, so we're going to see how that goes.
After assisting class on Friday, I was talking with a friend who also teaches at the studio. She told me, very gently and tactfully, that she thought my shoes held me back at auditions. I told her about the fitting earlier this week and how I got Gaynor's, and she agreed that they sounded like the best option. She has similar issues and was able to give me even more insight on how to help with it.
I swear, if it wasn't for my dance friends, I don't know if I would be able to keep dancing. Their advice and input and support has literally been everything.
I'm pretty exhausted after today. Didn't help that my body still hates me and food isn't really my friend. I'm at a loss of what else to do about it.
I decided that on the days I get to rehearse for swans, I will tell myself, "You are a swan." It helps me be more into it when we actually do it, rather than just feel like the title of "cover" is looming over me. I have no idea what the future holds. There is a very real possibility that I can do all this work and never get to dance it. There is also a possibility that one of the other covers could get it over me. I don't know. I try not to think about it. I'm going to move on and keep going and do my best, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt to think about. But, it also doesn't mean I need to talk about it. I feel stupid mentioning it at all anymore. Like maybe people aren't telling me everything and maybe I'm not as good as I think I am.
One of my teachers told me today to not take missing out on this role as a sign that I'm not good. She said that there's probably more playing into it, and it may not be fair to me, but that it's part of the deal. I don't know how much of that is true, but you almost can't help but believe that it is. Reality is, it's a small town, and this non profit runs on money that I may not bring in simply because I'm older, I don't have super loaded friends or tons of family dying to pay loads of money to see me dance.
My reality is that each day there's another reminder of how much I wanted this, slapping me in the face, showing me I missed the mark. No one really knows what all is going on on the inside. But honestly, I don't think that's for anyone but me to know.
What good would it do to share that with anyone anyway? No one can change things. All I can do now is work my butt off and hope it's not for nothing.
And limit my crying.
And not get overwhelmed as work starts getting more intense.
Ahhhhhhhhhh
Friday, January 29, 2016
Friends in the right places
My friend, Jacie, (Cheyanne's mom) told me yesterday that Gaynor came out with a 5 box shoe, and that the local dance store had them.
Now, I don't know how long they may have had the 5 box available, but regardless, the risk would have been rather great to just get them blindly. Anyway.
My friend Abby--the Wicked Witch from Oz last year--teaches at the studio attached to this dance store, so I messaged her and asked if she knew anything about them. I had a photo shoot yesterday, which got me out of work early, thus giving me time to meet up with Abby to see about the shoes.
(Cue all the happiness because I haven't seen her in I-don't-know-how-long and miss her terribly, so this was a win just stepping out of the car and hugging her neck.
She only had 15 minutes before her class started, so she got me started seeing how the Gaynor's did.
The best part about having Abby there is that she already knows me. She knows my dancing, she knows my feet, she knows my quirks and what struggles I have. She knows about the nerve damage in one leg, the extra length the other gives, the un-square hips, the short toes--all of it.
She knows about Swan Lake. I told her what Mrs. Alex and Ms. Munro had told me. And I expressed my concerns. I asked her my questions on if she knew what I could do better or try to work on.
She. Knows. So. Much.
She put me in Gaynors, and put me in some Grishko's, and they had the hard shanks on all, which was wonderful. I showed her my current shoes, and how I seem to knuckle over in them.
She had to rush to her class, so Mrs. Coker helped me from there. I explained to her the bit of my pointe quirks that I could, and asked her about the knuckling over and the way the shank shifts, especially on my left foot. She explained how it will do that if your weight isn't centered in your shoe, and I asked if there was anything I could do about that. My toes being so insanely short definitely has an effect, so she tried me in a narrower shoe, but then my foot knuckles (is that what they're called? That's what they look like. Whatever) are painfully smooshed. It's a very complicated predicament, as most people have either one or the other. I have two toes relatively close to the same length, then the other three are relatively close to the same, but polar opposite, length.
Rolling up is complex. Mix that in with my uneven legs, causing knee pain if I'm not super careful, and the struggle is so real.
She had me try on pretty much all the Grishko's they had. Some were more painful, but seemed a better fit--if that even makes sense-- and others didn't put as much pressure, but I would sink right to the bottom. They were all hard shanks, which my arch was lost in, but I was able to get all the way on the box of, so I figured if those were best, I would just break them in. I was actually impressed with their shanks, because Capezio's hardest shank was almost like perfectly broken in shoes for me now when I first wear them. Which is great, except that they don't last long at all.
It came down to the Gaynor's and a pair of Grishko's. Mrs. Coker said she thinks the Gaynor's were better, but Abby had expressed concern of them still causing me to knuckle over. She came back by with the spare minute she had between classes to see me in them again and approved vigorously. That made me feel so much better about the risk of getting the shoes.
I went to class, danced on my old shoes, and hated life.
Dramatic, obviously, but I could tell how dead those really were after having been in new shoes for the greater part of the previous hour.
When I got out of class, I had a text from Abby saying that Mrs. Coker told her that I was the hardest fitting she's ever done. (This made me feel quite accomplished.)
We got to talking, and she was telling me what they thought about my feet. She says she doesn't think my feet are weak--quite the contrary. She thinks my feet are actually rather strong, and that's why I keep killing the shanks and may be why I'm hesitant to fully pull out of my shoe since it will cause me to go too far and end up eating dirt going over the top of the box. She mentioned that getting over on the box of a hard shank Grishko is nearly impossible, that she can't even do it, which is unheard of being that she is solid muscle. Seriously. Gosh, I miss her...
anyway.
She said she thinks maybe it's my ankles that are weaker. Which would make sense. My ankles give me trouble for seemingly no reason. Especially before starting dance, I could just be walking down the street and suddenly my ankle would give out. Mrs. Coker had also told me some specific theraband work to do to help with my foot shifting the way it does in the shoe that causes the shank to shift.
Over all, yesterday made me feel so much better. I have answers, and though they may not technically have solutions, I have plans of action to try and make this work. At least I know it's not because of laziness or lack of work or something.
Now, I don't know how long they may have had the 5 box available, but regardless, the risk would have been rather great to just get them blindly. Anyway.
My friend Abby--the Wicked Witch from Oz last year--teaches at the studio attached to this dance store, so I messaged her and asked if she knew anything about them. I had a photo shoot yesterday, which got me out of work early, thus giving me time to meet up with Abby to see about the shoes.
(Cue all the happiness because I haven't seen her in I-don't-know-how-long and miss her terribly, so this was a win just stepping out of the car and hugging her neck.
She only had 15 minutes before her class started, so she got me started seeing how the Gaynor's did.
The best part about having Abby there is that she already knows me. She knows my dancing, she knows my feet, she knows my quirks and what struggles I have. She knows about the nerve damage in one leg, the extra length the other gives, the un-square hips, the short toes--all of it.
She knows about Swan Lake. I told her what Mrs. Alex and Ms. Munro had told me. And I expressed my concerns. I asked her my questions on if she knew what I could do better or try to work on.
She. Knows. So. Much.
She put me in Gaynors, and put me in some Grishko's, and they had the hard shanks on all, which was wonderful. I showed her my current shoes, and how I seem to knuckle over in them.
She had to rush to her class, so Mrs. Coker helped me from there. I explained to her the bit of my pointe quirks that I could, and asked her about the knuckling over and the way the shank shifts, especially on my left foot. She explained how it will do that if your weight isn't centered in your shoe, and I asked if there was anything I could do about that. My toes being so insanely short definitely has an effect, so she tried me in a narrower shoe, but then my foot knuckles (is that what they're called? That's what they look like. Whatever) are painfully smooshed. It's a very complicated predicament, as most people have either one or the other. I have two toes relatively close to the same length, then the other three are relatively close to the same, but polar opposite, length.
Rolling up is complex. Mix that in with my uneven legs, causing knee pain if I'm not super careful, and the struggle is so real.
She had me try on pretty much all the Grishko's they had. Some were more painful, but seemed a better fit--if that even makes sense-- and others didn't put as much pressure, but I would sink right to the bottom. They were all hard shanks, which my arch was lost in, but I was able to get all the way on the box of, so I figured if those were best, I would just break them in. I was actually impressed with their shanks, because Capezio's hardest shank was almost like perfectly broken in shoes for me now when I first wear them. Which is great, except that they don't last long at all.
It came down to the Gaynor's and a pair of Grishko's. Mrs. Coker said she thinks the Gaynor's were better, but Abby had expressed concern of them still causing me to knuckle over. She came back by with the spare minute she had between classes to see me in them again and approved vigorously. That made me feel so much better about the risk of getting the shoes.
I went to class, danced on my old shoes, and hated life.
Dramatic, obviously, but I could tell how dead those really were after having been in new shoes for the greater part of the previous hour.
When I got out of class, I had a text from Abby saying that Mrs. Coker told her that I was the hardest fitting she's ever done. (This made me feel quite accomplished.)
We got to talking, and she was telling me what they thought about my feet. She says she doesn't think my feet are weak--quite the contrary. She thinks my feet are actually rather strong, and that's why I keep killing the shanks and may be why I'm hesitant to fully pull out of my shoe since it will cause me to go too far and end up eating dirt going over the top of the box. She mentioned that getting over on the box of a hard shank Grishko is nearly impossible, that she can't even do it, which is unheard of being that she is solid muscle. Seriously. Gosh, I miss her...
anyway.
She said she thinks maybe it's my ankles that are weaker. Which would make sense. My ankles give me trouble for seemingly no reason. Especially before starting dance, I could just be walking down the street and suddenly my ankle would give out. Mrs. Coker had also told me some specific theraband work to do to help with my foot shifting the way it does in the shoe that causes the shank to shift.
Over all, yesterday made me feel so much better. I have answers, and though they may not technically have solutions, I have plans of action to try and make this work. At least I know it's not because of laziness or lack of work or something.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Also
Ms. Munro spoke to me yesterday.
Asked me if I was okay. Asked how my knees were, mentioned how I never do jumps.
I explained why I didn't do them in class, but how I still marked and learned and can do them if needed. How in such a fast paced environment I tend to forget the details I need to think about and hurt my knees. I explained how the right leg is longer, how my back is curved, and how I have the calcified whiplash. I told her in choreography, I'm fine, because I can think about it. I can work specifically on something and know how to avoid injury.
She told me I should be very proud of how far I've come in such a short amount of time. She asked how long I've been en pointe, and said that these other girls have just been on longer.
She asked me to pointe my foot, so I did, and she said I had really good arches, and I need to lift out of my shoe more. That I need to build the strength so I don't sink.
I wish someone had told me this sooner.
I had heard whims of this, but never definite. It wasn't anything concrete. I do stuff with the theraband, but I wish I had known to dedicate to this. That this is what they were looking for.
I can't change the past, but I can move forward to the future.
I am still the cover, which means I still have a shot, even if it's not the way I had hoped.
Even if it sucks.
Even if I feel like complete crap and a failure and like I must suck to get the roles I got, since I'm not even with my level.
I can't change the past.
So I'm going to work like hell on what I now know to do. I'm going to press forward with fierce determination, and hope someone doesn't show up enough and they actually follow through with replacing them. I'm going to show them I can do it. Because nothing would be worse than feeling all these things, getting to do the part, and finding that I can't do it.
Tuesday's after ballet will be dedicated to building strength.
I can't let myself be afraid of my knee hurting, instead I must train it to go in the right direction.
I'm going to speak to teachers about how to better focus on gaining this strength, what to do with my shoes to help them last longer, and if I should start doing jumps in class or if it would do more damage than good. (I also don't grande plie for this reason. My knees haven't hurt since, even with choreography.) (I also don't have to wear the brace any more.)
So if they can see the improvement in all my other efforts, I'm going to keep up with that til they see these.
Positives:
Asked me if I was okay. Asked how my knees were, mentioned how I never do jumps.
I explained why I didn't do them in class, but how I still marked and learned and can do them if needed. How in such a fast paced environment I tend to forget the details I need to think about and hurt my knees. I explained how the right leg is longer, how my back is curved, and how I have the calcified whiplash. I told her in choreography, I'm fine, because I can think about it. I can work specifically on something and know how to avoid injury.
She told me I should be very proud of how far I've come in such a short amount of time. She asked how long I've been en pointe, and said that these other girls have just been on longer.
She asked me to pointe my foot, so I did, and she said I had really good arches, and I need to lift out of my shoe more. That I need to build the strength so I don't sink.
I wish someone had told me this sooner.
I had heard whims of this, but never definite. It wasn't anything concrete. I do stuff with the theraband, but I wish I had known to dedicate to this. That this is what they were looking for.
I can't change the past, but I can move forward to the future.
I am still the cover, which means I still have a shot, even if it's not the way I had hoped.
Even if it sucks.
Even if I feel like complete crap and a failure and like I must suck to get the roles I got, since I'm not even with my level.
I can't change the past.
So I'm going to work like hell on what I now know to do. I'm going to press forward with fierce determination, and hope someone doesn't show up enough and they actually follow through with replacing them. I'm going to show them I can do it. Because nothing would be worse than feeling all these things, getting to do the part, and finding that I can't do it.
Tuesday's after ballet will be dedicated to building strength.
I can't let myself be afraid of my knee hurting, instead I must train it to go in the right direction.
I'm going to speak to teachers about how to better focus on gaining this strength, what to do with my shoes to help them last longer, and if I should start doing jumps in class or if it would do more damage than good. (I also don't grande plie for this reason. My knees haven't hurt since, even with choreography.) (I also don't have to wear the brace any more.)
So if they can see the improvement in all my other efforts, I'm going to keep up with that til they see these.
Positives:
- Ms. M complimented my musicality, asking if I played an instrument. I have not
- She said I have come a very long way for the short amount of time I have been dancing
- She said that I did really well in the Winkie Guard role last year and carried the other dancers, specifically with my ability to count and acting skills
- She said I have really arched feet (I'm taking it as a compliment)
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Swan Lake Casting
I'm not a swan.
I'm cast, but I'm not anything exciting or impressive.
I have many thoughts and feelings towards this, mostly of disappointment and confusion. But I'm trying to put those to the side for this post. (As "Fight Song" decides to come on my Pandora)
I'll make the most of it, like I do every time. I am the cover for the swans, along with a few other girls, but there's no guarantee anything will come of that.
I talked to Mrs. Alex about it after class. I asked her what I could have done better. She said it's just a really intense show with a bunch of pointe work and they really struggled with casting. That my name was heavily debated and thought over. She said she knows nothing she says can really help.
I just want understanding, ya know?
I thought I had proved myself with Oz, and with Nutcracker this year. I thought my hard work in class was being seen. I thought the fact they asked me to come to VI's meant they saw me. And she said they did. She said they see how much I've improved and how hard I work. I just don't understand.
But it is what it is. What can we do about it now? Nothing.
Take my roles and do the best possible in them.
I'm struggling personally because I let myself get hopeful. I let myself believe my friends when they said I did well and I had it in the bag. Mrs. Alex even said I auditioned well, that she was impressed. She said she saw my en dedan turn when I did do it.
I just wasn't enough.
And everyone tells me there's always next time.
Except I don't know if there is.
I mean, technically we never know. None of us. But really, I'm not getting any younger. There's only so many things my body will let me do, and time isn't kind. I'll never see Swan Lake again in my dancing days.
Next year I'll get Lilac and Snow, because it's the next in line. It's not a challenge. It's not anything that will take more effort than is expected, or whatever.
I just don't understand.
I honestly feel like I'm grieving. The loss of this role and this dream. The realization that I'll realistically never reach some of the things I strive for, that my heart longs for.
Not everything is attainable, no matter how hard you work and try.
And you have to find a way to be okay with that.
I'm cast, but I'm not anything exciting or impressive.
I have many thoughts and feelings towards this, mostly of disappointment and confusion. But I'm trying to put those to the side for this post. (As "Fight Song" decides to come on my Pandora)
I'll make the most of it, like I do every time. I am the cover for the swans, along with a few other girls, but there's no guarantee anything will come of that.
I talked to Mrs. Alex about it after class. I asked her what I could have done better. She said it's just a really intense show with a bunch of pointe work and they really struggled with casting. That my name was heavily debated and thought over. She said she knows nothing she says can really help.
I just want understanding, ya know?
I thought I had proved myself with Oz, and with Nutcracker this year. I thought my hard work in class was being seen. I thought the fact they asked me to come to VI's meant they saw me. And she said they did. She said they see how much I've improved and how hard I work. I just don't understand.
But it is what it is. What can we do about it now? Nothing.
Take my roles and do the best possible in them.
I'm struggling personally because I let myself get hopeful. I let myself believe my friends when they said I did well and I had it in the bag. Mrs. Alex even said I auditioned well, that she was impressed. She said she saw my en dedan turn when I did do it.
I just wasn't enough.
And everyone tells me there's always next time.
Except I don't know if there is.
I mean, technically we never know. None of us. But really, I'm not getting any younger. There's only so many things my body will let me do, and time isn't kind. I'll never see Swan Lake again in my dancing days.
Next year I'll get Lilac and Snow, because it's the next in line. It's not a challenge. It's not anything that will take more effort than is expected, or whatever.
I just don't understand.
I honestly feel like I'm grieving. The loss of this role and this dream. The realization that I'll realistically never reach some of the things I strive for, that my heart longs for.
Not everything is attainable, no matter how hard you work and try.
And you have to find a way to be okay with that.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Progress and regress.
In our V's class yesterday, we did barre a little differently.
Typically, we do combinations that are quick or complex. Instead, Mrs. Alex had us do simple combinations with a lot of repetition. She had us focus on proper technique, rather than just trying to get through the combination and move on. I really enjoyed this approach, and I think we all benefited from it. It was great to take the time to really think about what we were doing and how we are to properly execute each movement.
I don't remember exactly what the entire combination was, but there was one where we ended in a low arabesque on releve. I tend to struggle with this kind of thing--once I'm on releve on one leg, my turn out goes out the window. But as I held this arabesque on my shorter, weaker leg, Mrs. Alex came by and said, "Good, Emilee! Great turn out on that standing leg, nice straight knees, good!"
I think I made a face, because I couldn't really believe she was actually saying these things to me. I looked down to see what it looked like, then tried to see it in the mirror. It felt right, but I didn't expect it to look that right. I wasn't really thinking specifically about achieving these things, as I usually do. I was shocked, and very pleased.
I got frustrated as we moved to the center and en dedan turns were there. I wanted to try them, but it just didn't work. I didn't know if I psyched myself out, or what. When we were going through, working on recital, there were a few moments when I was away from the others, so I tried them. Sure enough, I couldn't get up. So I held the barre and tried the preparation. Okay, I could do that. So I tried the preparation away from the barre. I can do that. I tried the turn, nope.
I'm not sure if it's because these shoes are already dead, or if it's something else, but the struggle is real. I put it on the back burner, knowing at least I can do the preparation and work on it from there, and that I'm getting around in my pirouettes now. Most of the time at least. They could still use work, but that's what class is for.
We did a few chaines, too, which weren't as good as I was hoping, but somewhat better than before.
I'll take it.
Cast lists should be out soon. I wish I could see it for myself without anyone telling me and no one watching me. This won't happen. So whatever. It's possible they could even come out today when I don't have class, so we'll see.
Stay tuned!
Typically, we do combinations that are quick or complex. Instead, Mrs. Alex had us do simple combinations with a lot of repetition. She had us focus on proper technique, rather than just trying to get through the combination and move on. I really enjoyed this approach, and I think we all benefited from it. It was great to take the time to really think about what we were doing and how we are to properly execute each movement.
I don't remember exactly what the entire combination was, but there was one where we ended in a low arabesque on releve. I tend to struggle with this kind of thing--once I'm on releve on one leg, my turn out goes out the window. But as I held this arabesque on my shorter, weaker leg, Mrs. Alex came by and said, "Good, Emilee! Great turn out on that standing leg, nice straight knees, good!"
I think I made a face, because I couldn't really believe she was actually saying these things to me. I looked down to see what it looked like, then tried to see it in the mirror. It felt right, but I didn't expect it to look that right. I wasn't really thinking specifically about achieving these things, as I usually do. I was shocked, and very pleased.
I got frustrated as we moved to the center and en dedan turns were there. I wanted to try them, but it just didn't work. I didn't know if I psyched myself out, or what. When we were going through, working on recital, there were a few moments when I was away from the others, so I tried them. Sure enough, I couldn't get up. So I held the barre and tried the preparation. Okay, I could do that. So I tried the preparation away from the barre. I can do that. I tried the turn, nope.
I'm not sure if it's because these shoes are already dead, or if it's something else, but the struggle is real. I put it on the back burner, knowing at least I can do the preparation and work on it from there, and that I'm getting around in my pirouettes now. Most of the time at least. They could still use work, but that's what class is for.
We did a few chaines, too, which weren't as good as I was hoping, but somewhat better than before.
I'll take it.
Cast lists should be out soon. I wish I could see it for myself without anyone telling me and no one watching me. This won't happen. So whatever. It's possible they could even come out today when I don't have class, so we'll see.
Stay tuned!
Monday, January 18, 2016
Swan Lake Auditions
Swan Lake auditions are now behind us.
(we survived, thank God.)
Friday night, Annika and I stayed at the Munro studio after the class I assist to work on a project she has for school, as well as a few things for auditions. She helped me with my chaines and jetes and the darn tombe, coupe, jete which I despise. Most of what I have to work on will take thought and time. She helped me get the feel, which is the biggest hurdle.
Saturday began back at the Munro studio to work the front desk during classes before my audition since everyone else was downtown for the first audition group. I think it ended up being good for me, so I wasn't just sitting in my house drowning in nerves, waiting for it to be late enough for me to justify being early.
(The struggle is real)
We got there, registered, got our audition numbers, and the madness began.
We did a quick barre in our number order, then put on pointe shoes immediately for the rest of the two hours we had for the audition. Thankfully, I wasn't in the first group, but I don't know if that was really a good thing. Our group was pretty level in ability, which meant that there wasn't really any advanced girls, which seemed to be what it was favoring. (I mean, obviously, it's Swan Lake.) I think of all the groups, we probably looked to be the least together and able, but that's going up against some hard hitters, so I don't think it really worked too much against us as a whole.
There were a few things that were out of my depths, and even things they would have understood had I not tried. And I didn't think I was going to on two specific things. One was really overwhelming for me in the moment and I got permission to sit it out, which was tough for me to even ask. But I was near tears and knew I was capable of the different steps, my brain just wasn't wrapping around putting them together for some reason. But, thankfully, Mari is a doll and took a second to help me understand what was happening and I did it on demi-pointe to at least put forth effort. The other part was at the end and my toes were so dead I was afraid to try what they were asking would make me roll my ankle. (Keeping in mind the last time I rolled my ankle was when I pushed it at the end of an audition.) So instead of sitting it out all together, I did it on demi-pointe as well and didn't beat myself over it.
We started with the different variations. They were pretty fun and actually not excruciatingly difficult. I mean, I couldn't up and perform them right then and there, but I know I could learn them and be capable of doing them, which left me feeling really good. We had some bits that had turns I couldn't do, which was really frustrating for me personally. I still tried, and did demi-pointe if I couldn't manage, but it was definitely frustrating to be incapable when I know I should be able to do it. They were in two different variations, and the very last one, I said, "Screw it, I can't do it, just do everything else well" and made myself include the sous-sous after the turn in that. Low and behold, the very last time, I got the turn. It was when we repeated it a second time, so I had just done the sous-sous and went in to do the turn again and managed to do it. So I left that segment feeling pretty okay.
I started hearing complaints that they were saving the swan parts for last, in a "how dare they, what are they thinking?" kind of way, but really it made sense. Swans takes a ton of endurance, and if you can't do it at the end of audition, there's no way you'll make it through performing. We did a core bit where you had your leg in arabesque (really Giselle-y) then switched to three brushes forward, then switched legs, and back to the brushes. If that makes sense. It had a lot of specific head direction, and was required to have your leg at least 90 degrees (consistently) as well as keeping in time with the people in front of you. I actually found this quite fun, and my knee held up for it pretty well. I know I have vast room for improvement, but the point of audition is to show you're capable where you are, not that you're perfect.
We then broke into groups of four based on height and did the first part of cygnets.
Thankfully, I'm friends with girls my height, so it was fun to get to do this bit with them. I knew I wasn't able to do it all, especially with all the pointe work it required and the speed it required it, but I didn't want to hold them back because of my inabilities. I managed to be able to do what I was able to do well, and the things I wasn't as good at, I was able to maintain the same height as the other girls as to not throw them off. In the end it was fun! And didn't leave me hating myself after, so that was nice.
Overall, we survived. And I think it's safe to say this is the best I've felt after an audition. I'm a bit nervous, but I know I did my best and showed them what I'm capable of. I'm not really worried.
Regardless, I'm very excited to be a part. I'm grateful to have wonderful friends by my side throughout this entire process, and excited for this season ahead. I know it's going to be long, exhausting, and slightly overwhelming trying to balance this, recital, and work but I also know I will be sad when it is all overwith. This is what makes me feel alive.
For the first time in a long time, I love my life. I love everything about it. I wake up and don't dread anything. There's stress and complications and things that aren't perfect, but it makes sense. It has a reason. I'm not afraid of being kicked, so to speak, for no reason or nervous at what the world may throw at me.
I have beautiful people in my life that make the things that aren't perfect more bearable. I'll have insurance again soon and hopefully can get back to the doctor to maybe run more tests to see what certain foods are hating me. I'm not afraid of that either, which is nice. I like where I am, and I'm so grateful to get to feel this way.
(we survived, thank God.)
Friday night, Annika and I stayed at the Munro studio after the class I assist to work on a project she has for school, as well as a few things for auditions. She helped me with my chaines and jetes and the darn tombe, coupe, jete which I despise. Most of what I have to work on will take thought and time. She helped me get the feel, which is the biggest hurdle.
Saturday began back at the Munro studio to work the front desk during classes before my audition since everyone else was downtown for the first audition group. I think it ended up being good for me, so I wasn't just sitting in my house drowning in nerves, waiting for it to be late enough for me to justify being early.
(The struggle is real)
We got there, registered, got our audition numbers, and the madness began.
We did a quick barre in our number order, then put on pointe shoes immediately for the rest of the two hours we had for the audition. Thankfully, I wasn't in the first group, but I don't know if that was really a good thing. Our group was pretty level in ability, which meant that there wasn't really any advanced girls, which seemed to be what it was favoring. (I mean, obviously, it's Swan Lake.) I think of all the groups, we probably looked to be the least together and able, but that's going up against some hard hitters, so I don't think it really worked too much against us as a whole.
There were a few things that were out of my depths, and even things they would have understood had I not tried. And I didn't think I was going to on two specific things. One was really overwhelming for me in the moment and I got permission to sit it out, which was tough for me to even ask. But I was near tears and knew I was capable of the different steps, my brain just wasn't wrapping around putting them together for some reason. But, thankfully, Mari is a doll and took a second to help me understand what was happening and I did it on demi-pointe to at least put forth effort. The other part was at the end and my toes were so dead I was afraid to try what they were asking would make me roll my ankle. (Keeping in mind the last time I rolled my ankle was when I pushed it at the end of an audition.) So instead of sitting it out all together, I did it on demi-pointe as well and didn't beat myself over it.
We started with the different variations. They were pretty fun and actually not excruciatingly difficult. I mean, I couldn't up and perform them right then and there, but I know I could learn them and be capable of doing them, which left me feeling really good. We had some bits that had turns I couldn't do, which was really frustrating for me personally. I still tried, and did demi-pointe if I couldn't manage, but it was definitely frustrating to be incapable when I know I should be able to do it. They were in two different variations, and the very last one, I said, "Screw it, I can't do it, just do everything else well" and made myself include the sous-sous after the turn in that. Low and behold, the very last time, I got the turn. It was when we repeated it a second time, so I had just done the sous-sous and went in to do the turn again and managed to do it. So I left that segment feeling pretty okay.
I started hearing complaints that they were saving the swan parts for last, in a "how dare they, what are they thinking?" kind of way, but really it made sense. Swans takes a ton of endurance, and if you can't do it at the end of audition, there's no way you'll make it through performing. We did a core bit where you had your leg in arabesque (really Giselle-y) then switched to three brushes forward, then switched legs, and back to the brushes. If that makes sense. It had a lot of specific head direction, and was required to have your leg at least 90 degrees (consistently) as well as keeping in time with the people in front of you. I actually found this quite fun, and my knee held up for it pretty well. I know I have vast room for improvement, but the point of audition is to show you're capable where you are, not that you're perfect.
We then broke into groups of four based on height and did the first part of cygnets.
Thankfully, I'm friends with girls my height, so it was fun to get to do this bit with them. I knew I wasn't able to do it all, especially with all the pointe work it required and the speed it required it, but I didn't want to hold them back because of my inabilities. I managed to be able to do what I was able to do well, and the things I wasn't as good at, I was able to maintain the same height as the other girls as to not throw them off. In the end it was fun! And didn't leave me hating myself after, so that was nice.
Overall, we survived. And I think it's safe to say this is the best I've felt after an audition. I'm a bit nervous, but I know I did my best and showed them what I'm capable of. I'm not really worried.
Regardless, I'm very excited to be a part. I'm grateful to have wonderful friends by my side throughout this entire process, and excited for this season ahead. I know it's going to be long, exhausting, and slightly overwhelming trying to balance this, recital, and work but I also know I will be sad when it is all overwith. This is what makes me feel alive.
For the first time in a long time, I love my life. I love everything about it. I wake up and don't dread anything. There's stress and complications and things that aren't perfect, but it makes sense. It has a reason. I'm not afraid of being kicked, so to speak, for no reason or nervous at what the world may throw at me.
I have beautiful people in my life that make the things that aren't perfect more bearable. I'll have insurance again soon and hopefully can get back to the doctor to maybe run more tests to see what certain foods are hating me. I'm not afraid of that either, which is nice. I like where I am, and I'm so grateful to get to feel this way.
(post Swan Lake audition)
I missed my friends so much that I stayed for festival rehearsal even though I didn't have to be there. I love them, and I love getting to be in this environment and among these people.
(Mrs. Alex watching the run through. She's so incredibly gorgeous it kills me. How she stands there, so poised, then nonchalantly busts out these complex moves with such grace. Gah, I love her. She's a wonderful human being. I love her heart and how she wants to see us succeed.)
Post Audition polaroid.
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Small Studio
I may have mentioned before, but on Tuesdays--now that I stay through both hours of the VI's class--I noticed that the small studio was open while Julie had the advanced Jazz class in the big studio. I asked Ms. Munro if I could use it to work on things when no one was in it. She was all for it.
So yesterday, Adrienne and I utilized this opportunity last night to work on some things we had seen and also some things we had never truly been shown.
(I don't really want too many people to do this, because then it could become some kind of class, and therefore require payment for using the studio space. But having someone there to work with is beneficial.)
It was beneficial, too, because Ms. Munro kept popping in and out of the studio to get to the back storage closet, so we were able to ask her questions about the different steps we were working on, and she wanted to see our progress.
We worked on a tombe, coupe, jete step that neither of us had been taught. (Annika and Jessica had worked with me on showing it to me at Feast of Sharing, but I didn't really know it enough to do it in class when it was one of the things we worked on yesterday.) Ms. Munro explained what we should think about (it's one of her favorite steps) and a few pointers on it and let us go to town.
While working on this, I realized how terrible my jete's really are. But now that I know, I can make an effort to work towards getting them better. I think part of the issue is being afraid to plie on my longer leg, since I got so used to it piercing in pain. It has been improving, now that I stay away from grande plies and jumps (which sucks, but if it helps I'll do it.) (And also, I do them in pieces, so that's good) but it's still ingrained in me to be afraid. I have to break through that, and take the pain as it comes but not expect it.
Adrienne helped me tremendously on my chaine turns. I never properly learned them, and have trouble with spotting. We got substantial progress on these (Ms. M popped in and helped a bit as well) so now I don't look like a fool as much. Honestly, confidence is half the work. If you can go forward without second guessing, you're more likely to be successful. Now that I know what it's supposed to feel like, I feel like I can more confidently approach them. (I need to truly get the feel en pointe, though, cause we worked in flat shoes.)
Adrienne worked on really getting the hang of fouette turns. She really didn't have a struggle--the girl's a natural. She tried them and succeeded first try, and I was able to film it and show her how they looked. Now she just needs to get nit-picky like the rest. I'm really proud of her. She's really grown so much since I first met her. It's as though everything is clicking and she's really nailing these things. I'm especially glad we got the opportunity to work together yesterday. It helps to have someone there who will compliment you when you need it, and critique you when you need it.
And really, we all need to take a moment to remember where we started and how far we've come in such a short amount of time.
I may get critical of myself and see how far I have to go, but Adrienne pointed out to me how far I've come just since being at Munro's. We always have farther to go, more to learn, but we can't forget to remember the progress hard work has brought us through.
Keep working hard, and you'll get there.
(Oh. and we were working on the 6's recital yesterday. We had to change a bit of the placement, so I ended up in the front. I half-expected Julie to switch me with Jessica or Adrienne, who were next to me, but she didn't. In turn, I also ended up in a group of four with Annika, Alex, and Sean. WHAT IS LIFE. so, I really need to work on my jete's, because I have to do them after the two girls and I don't want to look like a derp. I would be lying if I said I wasn't excited to get this opportunity. I'm really hoping I can rise to the expectations, and beyond grateful that she's starting recital now so I can learn these things while I'm still here, before work takes over my life for a hot second.)
So yesterday, Adrienne and I utilized this opportunity last night to work on some things we had seen and also some things we had never truly been shown.
(I don't really want too many people to do this, because then it could become some kind of class, and therefore require payment for using the studio space. But having someone there to work with is beneficial.)
It was beneficial, too, because Ms. Munro kept popping in and out of the studio to get to the back storage closet, so we were able to ask her questions about the different steps we were working on, and she wanted to see our progress.
We worked on a tombe, coupe, jete step that neither of us had been taught. (Annika and Jessica had worked with me on showing it to me at Feast of Sharing, but I didn't really know it enough to do it in class when it was one of the things we worked on yesterday.) Ms. Munro explained what we should think about (it's one of her favorite steps) and a few pointers on it and let us go to town.
While working on this, I realized how terrible my jete's really are. But now that I know, I can make an effort to work towards getting them better. I think part of the issue is being afraid to plie on my longer leg, since I got so used to it piercing in pain. It has been improving, now that I stay away from grande plies and jumps (which sucks, but if it helps I'll do it.) (And also, I do them in pieces, so that's good) but it's still ingrained in me to be afraid. I have to break through that, and take the pain as it comes but not expect it.
Adrienne helped me tremendously on my chaine turns. I never properly learned them, and have trouble with spotting. We got substantial progress on these (Ms. M popped in and helped a bit as well) so now I don't look like a fool as much. Honestly, confidence is half the work. If you can go forward without second guessing, you're more likely to be successful. Now that I know what it's supposed to feel like, I feel like I can more confidently approach them. (I need to truly get the feel en pointe, though, cause we worked in flat shoes.)
Adrienne worked on really getting the hang of fouette turns. She really didn't have a struggle--the girl's a natural. She tried them and succeeded first try, and I was able to film it and show her how they looked. Now she just needs to get nit-picky like the rest. I'm really proud of her. She's really grown so much since I first met her. It's as though everything is clicking and she's really nailing these things. I'm especially glad we got the opportunity to work together yesterday. It helps to have someone there who will compliment you when you need it, and critique you when you need it.
And really, we all need to take a moment to remember where we started and how far we've come in such a short amount of time.
I may get critical of myself and see how far I have to go, but Adrienne pointed out to me how far I've come just since being at Munro's. We always have farther to go, more to learn, but we can't forget to remember the progress hard work has brought us through.
Keep working hard, and you'll get there.
(Oh. and we were working on the 6's recital yesterday. We had to change a bit of the placement, so I ended up in the front. I half-expected Julie to switch me with Jessica or Adrienne, who were next to me, but she didn't. In turn, I also ended up in a group of four with Annika, Alex, and Sean. WHAT IS LIFE. so, I really need to work on my jete's, because I have to do them after the two girls and I don't want to look like a derp. I would be lying if I said I wasn't excited to get this opportunity. I'm really hoping I can rise to the expectations, and beyond grateful that she's starting recital now so I can learn these things while I'm still here, before work takes over my life for a hot second.)
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Classes
Whatever my stomach is doing, it's sure having a good time.
I was only able to make it through the first part of class yesterday. I wanted to quit before the first part was over, but wouldn't let myself. I knew if I could just make it through, I could sit out the second part, and I would be okay. I probably could have pushed it and done the second part, but I didn't want to do anything halfway. I'd rather watch and really gain something than do a mediocre attempt at something I really need to work full out on.
Mrs. Alex understood, and told me if I wanted I could go home even. I told her I'd like to watch and get whatever in I could that way. I mean, I wanted to go home, but that doesn't help me at all. And I was there already.
We ended up working on recital the last bit of class, so I was really glad I stayed. Especially with how many classes I'll miss with tax season coming up. I'm really nervous about how all of that will work out, but I'm trying not to dwell on it too much. I've told most of my teachers, and they say I'm the least of their worries. So that's nice at least. They're confident I'll be able to pick it up and be just fine. I have friends in the class that have said they'd help me learn what I missed as well, so that's wonderful.
It was a bit hard focusing during that last bit of class. I was at the back and the farthest from Mrs. Alex, and everyone was excited about the music and talking or getting really distracted. I was trying to learn the part she was showing us, while having to do it opposite of what I'm seeing, all through the noise and distraction and people getting in the way of me seeing her. I didn't lose my mind, but near about. I love this class, but sometimes it gets difficult with how distracting some of the older ones can be. Like, cool, we get it. You're good. You don't have to have all that we do, but be considerate that this is our class, not yours.
Recital should be fun. There's so many people. Which makes it complicated. But that's not really their choice, and I think it'll be nice how it's going so far.
Talks of Swan Lake are rampant through the studio. I'm trying to make a point to really use my upper body to show get me in their head before auditions. It seems to be at least doing something, because Mrs. Alex complimented me at one point by name. I got other corrections as well, which was nice. I wasn't expecting the one when she said my name, and hardly realized it as it was. It was a good confirmation that I was doing what I needed to be doing so I can store that away in my database that what that felt like looks like what they want. I'm nervous. I just want to get it over with, but at the same time, I don't want to do it. I will, but thinking of it has me all sorts of jittery. I just really hope I can keep a clear head all throughout. That I don't get anxious or panicky when I see new things.
Here's to hoping.
I was only able to make it through the first part of class yesterday. I wanted to quit before the first part was over, but wouldn't let myself. I knew if I could just make it through, I could sit out the second part, and I would be okay. I probably could have pushed it and done the second part, but I didn't want to do anything halfway. I'd rather watch and really gain something than do a mediocre attempt at something I really need to work full out on.
Mrs. Alex understood, and told me if I wanted I could go home even. I told her I'd like to watch and get whatever in I could that way. I mean, I wanted to go home, but that doesn't help me at all. And I was there already.
We ended up working on recital the last bit of class, so I was really glad I stayed. Especially with how many classes I'll miss with tax season coming up. I'm really nervous about how all of that will work out, but I'm trying not to dwell on it too much. I've told most of my teachers, and they say I'm the least of their worries. So that's nice at least. They're confident I'll be able to pick it up and be just fine. I have friends in the class that have said they'd help me learn what I missed as well, so that's wonderful.
It was a bit hard focusing during that last bit of class. I was at the back and the farthest from Mrs. Alex, and everyone was excited about the music and talking or getting really distracted. I was trying to learn the part she was showing us, while having to do it opposite of what I'm seeing, all through the noise and distraction and people getting in the way of me seeing her. I didn't lose my mind, but near about. I love this class, but sometimes it gets difficult with how distracting some of the older ones can be. Like, cool, we get it. You're good. You don't have to have all that we do, but be considerate that this is our class, not yours.
Recital should be fun. There's so many people. Which makes it complicated. But that's not really their choice, and I think it'll be nice how it's going so far.
Talks of Swan Lake are rampant through the studio. I'm trying to make a point to really use my upper body to show get me in their head before auditions. It seems to be at least doing something, because Mrs. Alex complimented me at one point by name. I got other corrections as well, which was nice. I wasn't expecting the one when she said my name, and hardly realized it as it was. It was a good confirmation that I was doing what I needed to be doing so I can store that away in my database that what that felt like looks like what they want. I'm nervous. I just want to get it over with, but at the same time, I don't want to do it. I will, but thinking of it has me all sorts of jittery. I just really hope I can keep a clear head all throughout. That I don't get anxious or panicky when I see new things.
Here's to hoping.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
New semester
Classes have started back up for the new semester.
Our first class, the V's class, was taught by Ms. Munro since our normal teacher wasn't there.
I really liked this. I love a good Ms. M class.
She didn't go easy on us, which was good. She corrected my arm placement, which I've now been trying to be conscious about. It also made me feel good to know I'm seen. That something subtle and slight is noticed and fixed. Now it's my job to make sure she doesn't have to correct it again.
We did pointe, which had a few elements that I normally would get nervous over or avoid. I was unable to do some of them, but not without trying first. Partially was because my shoes are nearing death, so I didn't want to risk the rolled ankle before auditions. I didn't walk away from it afraid of these steps, though, so that is a big step for me.
Also, when it came to doing pirouettes, I was actually able to get around. Ms. M wanted doubles, but I was very satisfied in my solid single for now. It can do with improvement, and I definitely need to spot my head more, and get a better plie, but it's a vast improvement from what I am typically capable of. I will take it, and work harder to make it better.
I seemed to mess up many things that shouldn't have been difficult, but I just brushed it off. No sense getting worked up over something I know that I can do. It's whatever.
Ms. Heidi's class felt really good. We started working with some ideas she's playing with for recital, and I was excited to see what she's got going. I was nervous, but I think it has a lot of potential. I wish it could just be the girls that were in class on Monday--the ones who are always there. The piece would look so clean that way. But I know that's out of our control.
It felt good to let go and try new things. That's my favorite; when I can let go and just dance. Not think about specifics or how technical it is or if I'm enough. Just dancing because I like to do it. And not being judged on how bad or good I am. I don't have anyone to impress or anything to prove.
Yesterday's VI's class went fairly well, too. My stomach is doing it's typical hating me ritual, which really puts a damper on things. I tried to push through anyway, and thankfully didn't have to sit anything more out than I usually would because of my knees. And even so, I'm able to watch those things and mark them and try to sort them out in my head so if I ever do have to do them, I can at least have some grasp of it to be able to attempt.
We started working on recital, which is super exciting. It's a bit of a stretch for me, as I typically screw up a lot in the beginning of things. But once I have it down, I nail it. So I did my best, wrote down what we learned, and plan to go over it until I have it on the right count and my lines look good.
(I am so excited to be in this piece.)
Instead of working in the small studio, I watched the Advanced Jazz class. It was really cool to get to see them work on something that isn't so technical. The girls in that class have a lot of talent, some I never really noticed before. But gosh, is it evident now. It made me want to just take a million pictures and capture what I see.
It was cool as well to watch Julie as she came up with all of this. Seeing her mind process and these sections of the dance come to life. Watching a master at work.
I sat there, watching and thinking, "I wish I could do that." And it was then that I realized, "This is exactly what I do with words." Whether its words people ever see or not, it's the same process. My grammar may not always be perfect and sometimes I really like run-on sentences, but the concept is the same.
Words are my dance.
Our first class, the V's class, was taught by Ms. Munro since our normal teacher wasn't there.
I really liked this. I love a good Ms. M class.
She didn't go easy on us, which was good. She corrected my arm placement, which I've now been trying to be conscious about. It also made me feel good to know I'm seen. That something subtle and slight is noticed and fixed. Now it's my job to make sure she doesn't have to correct it again.
We did pointe, which had a few elements that I normally would get nervous over or avoid. I was unable to do some of them, but not without trying first. Partially was because my shoes are nearing death, so I didn't want to risk the rolled ankle before auditions. I didn't walk away from it afraid of these steps, though, so that is a big step for me.
Also, when it came to doing pirouettes, I was actually able to get around. Ms. M wanted doubles, but I was very satisfied in my solid single for now. It can do with improvement, and I definitely need to spot my head more, and get a better plie, but it's a vast improvement from what I am typically capable of. I will take it, and work harder to make it better.
I seemed to mess up many things that shouldn't have been difficult, but I just brushed it off. No sense getting worked up over something I know that I can do. It's whatever.
Ms. Heidi's class felt really good. We started working with some ideas she's playing with for recital, and I was excited to see what she's got going. I was nervous, but I think it has a lot of potential. I wish it could just be the girls that were in class on Monday--the ones who are always there. The piece would look so clean that way. But I know that's out of our control.
It felt good to let go and try new things. That's my favorite; when I can let go and just dance. Not think about specifics or how technical it is or if I'm enough. Just dancing because I like to do it. And not being judged on how bad or good I am. I don't have anyone to impress or anything to prove.
Yesterday's VI's class went fairly well, too. My stomach is doing it's typical hating me ritual, which really puts a damper on things. I tried to push through anyway, and thankfully didn't have to sit anything more out than I usually would because of my knees. And even so, I'm able to watch those things and mark them and try to sort them out in my head so if I ever do have to do them, I can at least have some grasp of it to be able to attempt.
We started working on recital, which is super exciting. It's a bit of a stretch for me, as I typically screw up a lot in the beginning of things. But once I have it down, I nail it. So I did my best, wrote down what we learned, and plan to go over it until I have it on the right count and my lines look good.
(I am so excited to be in this piece.)
Instead of working in the small studio, I watched the Advanced Jazz class. It was really cool to get to see them work on something that isn't so technical. The girls in that class have a lot of talent, some I never really noticed before. But gosh, is it evident now. It made me want to just take a million pictures and capture what I see.
It was cool as well to watch Julie as she came up with all of this. Seeing her mind process and these sections of the dance come to life. Watching a master at work.
I sat there, watching and thinking, "I wish I could do that." And it was then that I realized, "This is exactly what I do with words." Whether its words people ever see or not, it's the same process. My grammar may not always be perfect and sometimes I really like run-on sentences, but the concept is the same.
Words are my dance.
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Really living.
I've been thinking about Swan Lake.
Doing little conditioning things that are actually feasible for me and aren't so overwhelming that I avoid them. Making certain choices that will help me in the long run. Releve-ing at work while I prep for tax season.
My goal is to be a Swan.
Not some watered down version of a Swan, but a real one.
I was a little anxious thinking about it, because I didn't know if this was even a logical goal. What if it's just the older girls, ya know? I know I'm not at their level yet. I'm on my way, but these things take time.
I was thinking about it in church this morning. About dance and why I do it and what it does for me.
I thought about how much easier life would be without the dance schedule. I immediately thought of how sad I would be not having said schedule. Dance makes me happy, it makes me feel alive.
Then I thought of how I've seemed to have more bad days than good lately. I thought of how reasonably it has been my body holding me back in one way or another. I thought of all the times I've panicked. I thought of the defeat I've felt.
I thought of Nutcracker, and how there were times I felt like I was just falling short. That I just barely wasn't good enough for what my heart wanted. That the mark was just out of reach.
Then I thought of that last Sunday show; how everything seemed to align for me perfectly. I thought of how alive I felt. I didn't think of how bad my feet hurt that day, or the fact that I was so sad the show was over, or my shoe falling off. I thought of how Rat Queen went the best it ever has. How I hit all the corrections Ms. Munro gave me and was able to grab the cannon ball in a stealth way to get it out of everyone's way. I thought of Flowers and how I hit all the marks on that as well. I thought of Finale, and hitting the timing perfectly with the conductor. I thought of how I felt standing there, looking into the audience, the most alive I've ever felt.
And I wondered what the difference was. What made that day special? Was it the cape I got to wear? Or was it what having the cape made me feel?
That there was no pressure. That cape reminded me of how fun Nutcracker can be. That it's not just about doing a series of moves and hoping not to fall, but it's more than that. It's about coming alive in ways that makes the audience feel something. Sure it's awesome if you can do 32 fouette's en pointe, but ya know what? That's nothing if there's no heart behind it. The difference is clear. You can be the most technical dancer with absolutely perfectly gorgeous lines, but if you're hearts not in it, it falls flat.
(This is how it is for life in general, as well. Are you just passing the days, or are you truly living?)
As I was standing there, on the front row, God reminded me of how far I've come. He reminded me of what I felt when the idea of dancing ballet was just a longing--an unreachable goal. He reminded me of how much I've accomplished in such a short amount of time. Then He asked me, "By whose standards are you falling short?"
Oof.
It was then I realized that it was only by my standards that I wasn't hitting the mark.
I know I'm never gonna be prima ballerina or anything remotely close. Even if my body could handle it, chances are life will cause me to back away from ballet as I know it now--it already has. The mark should always simply be to do the best I can and make the most of every day I get to dance. By all means, I shouldn't even be able to. I've dodged many-a-bullet with how accident prone I seem to be, yet I can still dance.
God also reminded me of what fuels my passion--what the heart is behind my dancing. It's not about gaining anything, it's not about hitting a certain mark, it's all about shining His light in my life. It's about the freedom I feel which allows me to move and live and breathe. It's not about me.
So whatever happens with auditions, whether I suck or succeed, I will be content in being able to participate at all. I will be happy because I am doing the very thing I love that seemed impossible not too long ago. I will remember what I felt before this was my reality.
I'll channel those moments I find myself realizing that these are my pointe shoes and I dance in them. That this isn't a dream or a fabricated, colorful mis-telling I'm trying to pass off as true. This is reality. This is me. This is what I get to do.
How freaking cool is that?
Doing little conditioning things that are actually feasible for me and aren't so overwhelming that I avoid them. Making certain choices that will help me in the long run. Releve-ing at work while I prep for tax season.
My goal is to be a Swan.
Not some watered down version of a Swan, but a real one.
I was a little anxious thinking about it, because I didn't know if this was even a logical goal. What if it's just the older girls, ya know? I know I'm not at their level yet. I'm on my way, but these things take time.
I was thinking about it in church this morning. About dance and why I do it and what it does for me.
I thought about how much easier life would be without the dance schedule. I immediately thought of how sad I would be not having said schedule. Dance makes me happy, it makes me feel alive.
Then I thought of how I've seemed to have more bad days than good lately. I thought of how reasonably it has been my body holding me back in one way or another. I thought of all the times I've panicked. I thought of the defeat I've felt.
I thought of Nutcracker, and how there were times I felt like I was just falling short. That I just barely wasn't good enough for what my heart wanted. That the mark was just out of reach.
Then I thought of that last Sunday show; how everything seemed to align for me perfectly. I thought of how alive I felt. I didn't think of how bad my feet hurt that day, or the fact that I was so sad the show was over, or my shoe falling off. I thought of how Rat Queen went the best it ever has. How I hit all the corrections Ms. Munro gave me and was able to grab the cannon ball in a stealth way to get it out of everyone's way. I thought of Flowers and how I hit all the marks on that as well. I thought of Finale, and hitting the timing perfectly with the conductor. I thought of how I felt standing there, looking into the audience, the most alive I've ever felt.
And I wondered what the difference was. What made that day special? Was it the cape I got to wear? Or was it what having the cape made me feel?
That there was no pressure. That cape reminded me of how fun Nutcracker can be. That it's not just about doing a series of moves and hoping not to fall, but it's more than that. It's about coming alive in ways that makes the audience feel something. Sure it's awesome if you can do 32 fouette's en pointe, but ya know what? That's nothing if there's no heart behind it. The difference is clear. You can be the most technical dancer with absolutely perfectly gorgeous lines, but if you're hearts not in it, it falls flat.
(This is how it is for life in general, as well. Are you just passing the days, or are you truly living?)
As I was standing there, on the front row, God reminded me of how far I've come. He reminded me of what I felt when the idea of dancing ballet was just a longing--an unreachable goal. He reminded me of how much I've accomplished in such a short amount of time. Then He asked me, "By whose standards are you falling short?"
Oof.
It was then I realized that it was only by my standards that I wasn't hitting the mark.
I know I'm never gonna be prima ballerina or anything remotely close. Even if my body could handle it, chances are life will cause me to back away from ballet as I know it now--it already has. The mark should always simply be to do the best I can and make the most of every day I get to dance. By all means, I shouldn't even be able to. I've dodged many-a-bullet with how accident prone I seem to be, yet I can still dance.
God also reminded me of what fuels my passion--what the heart is behind my dancing. It's not about gaining anything, it's not about hitting a certain mark, it's all about shining His light in my life. It's about the freedom I feel which allows me to move and live and breathe. It's not about me.
So whatever happens with auditions, whether I suck or succeed, I will be content in being able to participate at all. I will be happy because I am doing the very thing I love that seemed impossible not too long ago. I will remember what I felt before this was my reality.
I'll channel those moments I find myself realizing that these are my pointe shoes and I dance in them. That this isn't a dream or a fabricated, colorful mis-telling I'm trying to pass off as true. This is reality. This is me. This is what I get to do.
How freaking cool is that?
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