Daily Auditions

During warmup at rehearsal on Saturday, Ms. Munro made a comment.

She said that during auditions, we really present and give our all and look our best, yet when we have class and rehearsals, we do less than that. She said we should do our audition-best all the time. Pushing our limits and working hard every class is how we will improve.

These words were mostly met with grumbled excuses of how 10am is so early for a Saturday and glazed eyes spacing out on who knows what. 

But I took that.

I thought of the girls that seem to get every role.

Of course, they're talented, but so are these ones that get overlooked. What's the difference?

I watched during rehearsal, and saw how those were the girls smiling through rehearsal--treating it like a performance. I know this isn't always easy, especially in the learning process. But it is possible to give a little more to try and make it as much of a show as you can. 

To treat it like an audition.

So I decided I will do just that.

From now on, ever class, every rehearsal is an audition.

I'm gonna try and keep my brain clear, so I don't freak out. I'm going to tell myself I can do these things. I'm going to work even harder outside of the class room. I'm going to do everything I can to show them I want this; to better myself.

Yesterday's class is the one day I can get away with slacking off, but I didn't. I determined to implement this immediately.There were moments I faltered, but I tried to use every opportunity to add in extra and really give my all. Of course, there are limitations--especially for me. But I worked around the limitations, pushing them as far as I could, to get the most out of class possible.

I found myself sweating complete buckets, but also doing things I typically can't do and trying things that would scare me. I made it through combinations I usually struggle with and even saw improvements on some of my steps, once even getting a "Good!" from the teacher who doesn't really compliment. 

I was even able to do an en dedan turn on my bad side, though that shoe felt better for some reason, making risk a little less scary. Curious to explore to find out why.

A humorous part of class was when we did a combination across the floor. I was doing pretty alright until it got to chaines. I tried on the first side, and honestly tried on the second side, until--ya know--I forgot my left leg is shorter and had my hips squared which meant the floor wasn't where I expected it to be and it felt like when you miss a step walking down stairs. Pretty hilarious, especially since I didn't get hurt. Hehe

I had a friend text me after class saying that I looked really good in class yesterday. Coming from her, I know she means it, which means so much to me, and fuels my fire even more.

(Hannah's feet on Saturday)

Beginnings

It is clear that learning a part as complex as the Swan corps is way more difficult as a cover than as an actual swan. I sometimes find myself wondering if the girls know how lucky they truly are to have their place set and sure, not having to worry about what the other groups are doing.
I was Abarrane for part of the rehearsal Saturday since she had ACT testing in the morning. It wasn't too difficult, since she was the opposite of Adrienne, except for the bits I couldn't remember. Oops.
But that's okay. We got it fixed and worked out and all is well.
When Abarrane got there, I tried to watch for the people I know will be out coming up, and it got complicated. They are each something different. Then I come to the realization that even being this proactive won't guarantee I'll get the spot if someone drops. It could be a matter of height. These other covers are dedicated to learning it as well.

Instead of being overcome by bitterness, fear, and jealousy, I approached the girls with an idea: Let's for some kind of group as the covers to make sure we enjoy this instead of just sitting on the sidelines sad. "Let's be so cool the other girls wished they were us." Haha.
Catherine and Maddie came up with a clever name--The Ugly Ducklings.
In the story, the ugly duckling tries so hard to be like the swans he sees, but just can't be. (Until he grows up and realizes he was a wan all along, just needed a little growth.)
We want to make shirts. It's gonna be great.
The girls are excited about it, as am I. We even have a fun little hand sign thing.
It still stings a bit to not be a swan. Seeing and hearing the other girls get so excited for costume fittings and photo day and all, knowing I just have to watch from the sidelines again. But it is what it is. There's nothing we can do about it.

Instead, I had Ms. Heidi look at my shoes, and asked her what she thought. I've been told I don't pull out of my shoe, but I don't know what else to do to be better about that. She was able to explain what I need to think about, and give me some things to try at home to help me get better. It'll take time, but if I start now it'll be very beneficial.

In her Jazz/Lyrical class, we had a new girl, Valerie. She paired her with me since my partner wasn't there to work on recital. I taught her our bit and we did it side by side instead of mirrored. I had no idea that the only dance training she had was dance class in high school. She took the adult ballet and said it was really fast, but she wanted to dance so she's gonna stick with it. She really liked the Lyrical class, which was good. She picked things up really well and was able to just go with it, even though she didn't know what half the stuff was. I was really impressed. She told me how she wished she would have started dancing younger, but was excited to start now. She's from Austin, and down here for school. She seems like a great person, and it was fun to actually have someone in the class understand my cultural references from when I was a kid. (Lookin' at you, Zenon, Girl of the 21st Century.)
Valerie is going to do recital, so Heidi was trying to think of how to work with the new numbers. She might have Valerie take my spot, and teach me a new thing entirely, thinking it may be easier to learn since I won't be here a lot from work coming up. Which is exciting, but also a bit nerve wracking.

It was refreshing having Valerie in class. It reminded me of what I felt when I first started--that bit that can get lost in all the striving and stress. I still have a ways to go, and loads to learn, but I've come so far from that first anxiety-ridden day. And it's not all about hitting one certain goal, it's about the process. It's about every day, working hard--not just one show or role. It's about being better today than I was yesterday. If I can do that, I am successful.

(Repeat to myself when I'm starting to feel the sting again.)

Progress and regress.

In our V's class yesterday, we did barre a little differently.
Typically, we do combinations that are quick or complex. Instead, Mrs. Alex had us do simple combinations with a lot of repetition. She had us focus on proper technique, rather than just trying to get through the combination and move on. I really enjoyed this approach, and I think we all benefited from it. It was great to take the time to really think about what we were doing and how we are to properly execute each movement.

I don't remember exactly what the entire combination was, but there was one where we ended in a low arabesque on releve. I tend to struggle with this kind of thing--once I'm on releve on one leg, my turn out goes out the window. But as I held this arabesque on my shorter, weaker leg, Mrs. Alex came by and said, "Good, Emilee! Great turn out on that standing leg, nice straight knees, good!"

I think I made a face, because I couldn't really believe she was actually saying these things to me. I looked down to see what it looked like, then tried to see it in the mirror. It felt right, but I didn't expect it to look that right. I wasn't really thinking specifically about achieving these things, as I usually do. I was shocked, and very pleased.

I got frustrated as we moved to the center and en dedan turns were there. I wanted to try them, but it just didn't work. I didn't know if I psyched myself out, or what. When we were going through, working on recital, there were a few moments when I was away from the others, so I tried them. Sure enough, I couldn't get up. So I held the barre and tried the preparation. Okay, I could do that. So I tried the preparation away from the barre. I can do that. I tried the turn, nope.
I'm not sure if it's because these shoes are already dead, or if it's something else, but the struggle is real. I put it on the back burner, knowing at least I can do the preparation and work on it from there, and that I'm getting around in my pirouettes now. Most of the time at least. They could still use work, but that's what class is for.
We did a few chaines, too, which weren't as good as I was hoping, but somewhat better than before.
I'll take it.

Cast lists should be out soon. I wish I could see it for myself without anyone telling me and no one watching me. This won't happen. So whatever. It's possible they could even come out today when I don't have class, so we'll see.

Stay tuned!

Classes

Whatever my stomach is doing, it's sure having a good time.
I was only able to make it through the first part of class yesterday. I wanted to quit before the first part was over, but wouldn't let myself. I knew if I could just make it through, I could sit out the second part, and I would be okay. I probably could have pushed it and done the second part, but I didn't want to do anything halfway. I'd rather watch and really gain something than do a mediocre attempt at something I really need to work full out on.
Mrs. Alex understood, and told me if I wanted I could go home even. I told her I'd like to watch and get whatever in I could that way. I mean, I wanted to go home, but that doesn't help me at all. And I was there already.
We ended up working on recital the last bit of class, so I was really glad I stayed. Especially with how many classes I'll miss with tax season coming up. I'm really nervous about how all of that will work out, but I'm trying not to dwell on it too much. I've told most of my teachers, and they say I'm the least of their worries. So that's nice at least. They're confident I'll be able to pick it up and be just fine. I have friends in the class that have said they'd help me learn what I missed as well, so that's wonderful.

It was a bit hard focusing during that last bit of class. I was at the back and the farthest from Mrs. Alex, and everyone was excited about the music and talking or getting really distracted. I was trying to learn the part she was showing us, while having to do it opposite of what I'm seeing, all through the noise and distraction and people getting in the way of me seeing her. I didn't lose my mind, but near about. I love this class, but sometimes it gets difficult with how distracting some of the older ones can be. Like, cool, we get it. You're good. You don't have to have all that we do, but be considerate that this is our class, not yours.

Recital should be fun. There's so many people. Which makes it complicated. But that's not really their choice, and I think it'll be nice how it's going so far.

Talks of Swan Lake are rampant through the studio. I'm trying to make a point to really use my upper body to show get me in their head before auditions. It seems to be at least doing something, because Mrs. Alex complimented me at one point by name. I got other corrections as well, which was nice. I wasn't expecting the one when she said my name, and hardly realized it as it was. It was a good confirmation that I was doing what I needed to be doing so I can store that away in my database that what that felt like looks like what they want. I'm nervous. I just want to get it over with, but at the same time, I don't want to do it. I will, but thinking of it has me all sorts of jittery. I just really hope I can keep a clear head all throughout. That I don't get anxious or panicky when I see new things.

Here's to hoping.

New semester

Classes have started back up for the new semester.
Our first class, the V's class, was taught by Ms. Munro since our normal teacher wasn't there.
I really liked this. I love a good Ms. M class.
She didn't go easy on us, which was good. She corrected my arm placement, which I've now been trying to be conscious about. It also made me feel good to know I'm seen. That something subtle and slight is noticed and fixed. Now it's my job to make sure she doesn't have to correct it again.

We did pointe, which had a few elements that I normally would get nervous over or avoid. I was unable to do some of them, but not without trying first. Partially was because my shoes are nearing death, so I didn't want to risk the rolled ankle before auditions. I didn't walk away from it afraid of these steps, though, so that is a big step for me.
Also, when it came to doing pirouettes, I was actually able to get around. Ms. M wanted doubles, but I was very satisfied in my solid single for now. It can do with improvement, and I definitely need to spot my head more, and get a better plie, but it's a vast improvement from what I am typically capable of. I will take it, and work harder to make it better.

I seemed to mess up many things that shouldn't have been difficult, but I just brushed it off. No sense getting worked up over something I know that I can do. It's whatever.

Ms. Heidi's class felt really good. We started working with some ideas she's playing with for recital, and I was excited to see what she's got going. I was nervous, but I think it has a lot of potential. I wish it could just be the girls that were in class on Monday--the ones who are always there. The piece would look so clean that way. But I know that's out of our control.
It felt good to let go and try new things. That's my favorite; when I can let go and just dance. Not think about specifics or how technical it is or if I'm enough. Just dancing because I like to do it. And not being judged on how bad or good I am. I don't have anyone to impress or anything to prove.

Yesterday's VI's class went fairly well, too. My stomach is doing it's typical hating me ritual, which really puts a damper on things. I tried to push through anyway, and thankfully didn't have to sit anything more out than I usually would because of my knees. And even so, I'm able to watch those things and mark them and try to sort them out in my head so if I ever do have to do them, I can at least have some grasp of it to be able to attempt.

We started working on recital, which is super exciting. It's a bit of a stretch for me, as I typically screw up a lot in the beginning of things. But once I have it down, I nail it. So I did my best, wrote down what we learned, and plan to go over it until I have it on the right count and my lines look good.

(I am so excited to be in this piece.)

Instead of working in the small studio, I watched the Advanced Jazz class. It was really cool to get to see them work on something that isn't so technical. The girls in that class have a lot of talent, some I never really noticed before. But gosh, is it evident now. It made me want to just take a million pictures and capture what I see.
It was cool as well to watch Julie as she came up with all of this. Seeing her mind process and these sections of the dance come to life. Watching a master at work.
I sat there, watching and thinking, "I wish I could do that." And it was then that I realized, "This is exactly what I do with words." Whether its words people ever see or not, it's the same process. My grammar may not always be perfect and sometimes I really like run-on sentences, but the concept is the same.

Words are my dance.

This past week

Mrs. Alex wasn’t in class on Wednesday, so we had a sub. I ended up sneaking out towards the end, embarrassed by the fact I couldn’t do what she was asking. She was teaching more on the advanced side and I could do it—or at least try it—on flat, but on pointe it was impossible. It is a bit frustrating to have the class taught to a level farther than what we are capable of (and more so when most of the class is the lower level) but I understand with subs its hit and miss. (And not all the time.) She didn’t know me. She didn’t know I’m an adult and incapable of “just try” ing like the younger girls in my level. They rocked it and learned and tried, but I can’t do that. My body doesn’t always let me. Or it’s an addition onto something I have yet to master, even if the other girls have. Which I just have to accept, and know when to pick my battles. It was okay, I know where I stand and know what I need to do and have a plan on how to achieve it.

I had to miss Saturday’s rehearsal due to a wedding I was booked to shoot. It was laid out oddly, so I was actually able to swing by the downtown studio for a bit of the Rat Queen rehearsal. I was really grateful to get to see it one more time. It also worked out as Ms. Munro needed a couple pictures for the Beeville shows and I had my camera on me and was able to get them.

Sunday’s rehearsal went relatively smooth. We figured out a solution to the missing Petit Fleur issue (we being not us, just to clarify. Mrs. Alex and Ms. M are rockstars. Especially with how chaotic this year’s casting has become) and were able to help Ileana learn the extra role and Hannah and/or Nina did well switching spots (so well I couldn’t tell who actually switched.) Now we should be able to clean it up.

They didn’t have the air on, and there’s this fun thing my body likes to do where if I get too hot, I get sick. (My sister is opposite. If she gets too cold, she gets sick) I tend to have to be able to feel air blowing, but I try not to think about it because sometimes if I don’t think about it I can trick my body into not reacting. But it went a little too long Sunday, and I felt it hit while we were at the barre. I tried to ignore it, but by the time we started running rehearsals, my face felt really hot and Mariela said I looked red. This is a good sign, because if I’m pale it means fever, so I knew it was probably just the being-too-hot thing. I had to step outside for a bit to feel the air flow, and still felt pretty crummy. I knew chances were once we started dancing I’d forget about it, so I tried to hold out. Elizabeth showed me where in the studio you could feel the air blowing most so I stood there during corrections. Everyone was a bit hot, and Elizabeth found one of the Spanish fans to fan herself with after running Sugar Plum. She came over and stood next to me so I could get some of the air too, which I really appreciated. She is so good to me.

(Sometimes I sit back and am blown away by the quality of people I have in my life now. I got so used to having people who leave me or just want to use me that to have kind people who stick around, it’s still kind of shocking at times. I’m super grateful.)

We had another flower roll her ankle. I haven’t heard yet what the final verdict is, but hopefully it’s something she has time to come back from and can still dance in the show.  I got home that night and was putting stuff away in my house when I misjudged and hit my toe on a suitcase. Ten years ago, I hit this same toe on a suitcase wheel in Paris and broke it. I hobbled around Paris and London when we continued on there. It was super cute. It’s the toe next to the pinkie toe, which always blows my mind. Why this one? Why not the toe farthest on the end? How did that one escape injury again? (Maybe because it’s hunched over from when it too was broken when I was 13 and hiked on it not realizing. *shrug*)

I’m not going to lie; I sat on my bed and cried. I was terrified it was broken. That I, too, had become the next victim of the falling flowers and would have to be replaced by God-knows-who since we’re officially out of spares. It didn’t swell, and the bruise is only on top, so I convinced myself to calm down and got an ice pack for it. In the morning, you could see it was bruised, but only a little bit. I can bend it, but I could bend my pinkie toe as well when it was broken. I could point my foot, so I decided I’d go to class and at least try barre and see what happened. I told my teacher, Ms. Catherine, and she said, “You just can’t catch a break, can you?” I wanted to thank her.  So often these things will happen and my head tells me that I’m just being dramatic and should push through things and suck it up, when really I should take my time with them, even if it seems to be all the freaking time.

I could releve, but only if my weight stayed completely over the big toe. I could plie, but gingerly where I kept pressure off of it. I could point my toe, but only if it was slow enough to be careful so I ended up doing half the stuff rather flexed on that foot, and nixed the releve on the other. It was frustrating.

I skipped the second half of class, afraid of jumping on it, and skipped Jazz V. It made me sad, but I’d rather be safe—especially with Nutcracker at risk.

With perfect timing, I received my shirt I ordered from Marissa Milele which says, “Never Give Up!” When I emailed her to order it she told me to send her a picture, so I had one of my friends get a picture of it and send it to her.

She’s so great. So kind and encouraging. And I love this shirt. I think it’s a mantra I can really get behind.

I’m still going to class tonight, mainly because I told Adrienne I would help her work on fouette’s after ballet. Plus, I can watch and learn that way. Get it in my brain and all. 

Hopefully my toe will be okay by the weekend on next week. It really doesn't look that bad. 

All else fails, if I can hike on a broke toe, I can dance on one right?

(Kidding.)

(Maybe.)

(also, just re-read this and it reads really funny. Like it's just notes of what all I really wanted to say. I've been in a funk, I guess, and keep embarrassing myself. So anyone who encounters me right now, my apologies. I'm a mess and not saying the right things and blah)

4 years ago

Yesterday was my first class after my “week off of life.”

I know a week doesn’t seem like much, but it can really do you some good if you utilize it well.

When I first started dancing, I hated when something would happen that would cause me to have to take extensive time off from dance. In fact, it was actually 4 years ago tonight that I got in the car wreck that could have left me in far worse condition than it did. I had just begun dancing again a few weeks before. I was heading home from church, (which was on Thursday nights) waiting to turn into my alley when I was hit from the passenger side and my car was slammed two lanes over. 

I still don’t know where the car came from. It was all very confusing for me as it was literally the exact moment I took my foot off the brake and was intending to turn after two cars passed. I assume those two cars passed, because they were cars and no one else was hit except for me and the truck that jumped my hood and came back off my car. Somehow I got the blame for this whole ordeal, and it was all pretty traumatic, but I typically play it off. After all, I’m okay. It shut down the entire street and my friends I was just with turned around to come make sure I was okay. My left leg hurt and I could feel a mass, but of course I was in skinny jeans so I couldn’t see. I turned down an ambulance ride, knowing it’d be ridiculously expensive, and sat on the curb. Some lady I don’t know came from I don’t know where to check on me. She stayed with me until my friends got there which I appreciate more than words could ever say. I was terrified, and she brought me peace. (Thanks, lady I don’t know.) I literally walked back to my house, as this all happened so close to home. My friends that came back around to make sure I was okay had a new friend with her who was conveniently knowledgeable in medical things. She looked at my leg and suggested an x-ray. Shana told me to get some things and that I would stay the night with her. I told her I would be fine, but did what she said anyway. She took me to the ER in Portland, since it’s a smaller town (The town she lived in, across the bridge) and we would more than likely get in and out a lot quicker. I got signed in exactly at midnight, and my hospital bracelet says 11/11/11. (I still have it.)

They did xrays and said I was okay and gave me some anti inflammatory medication and the usual. I went back to Shana’s, skipped work the next day, and stayed there until my mom came for me the next day. (I didn’t realize how much I needed the love and care and concern Shana gave me until I was in it. For that I am eternally grateful.)

My leg bruised up pretty badly, and I have some marks from where the seatbelt was. Miraculously, the airbags didn’t break my nose. My face was actually completely fine. (If you want the full details of everything God told me and showed me and how He spared me, just ask.) (It’s pretty cool.)

I don’t know if it’s because I was wearing pants with elastic at the knee, or what, but I ended up developing nerve damage in that spot that I felt after the wreck. It’s on the inside of my left knee, and is typically fine. Unless it’s touched. Then my knee will hurt for a solid day. (Not too bad, considering everything that could have happened. Like, ya know, slamming my head into the left window like I should have, or the airbags jacking up my face, or messing up my ankle on the brake.) (When my Dad saw my car at the towing lot, he was speechless. Literally. He was chewing me out a bit as he walked up to the car, and then was at a loss for words when he saw it. He said that the only part of my car that wasn’t completely bashed in was the driver’s seat. But I’m okay. I walked away.

My camera on my phone at the time really sucked, so you can't really see all the detailing. This was the day after when my mom had picked me up

The hospital bracelet (again, stupid camera)

This was a few days later, after I was back home. I stayed at my parents house until Saturday night I believe. So this was Sunday-ish. (I was back at work Monday.)
The numb spot is actually more-so that bit of normal skin among all the bruising up top.

My lovely boss' wife made me cookies. I love her. (Cora, you're a gem)

(I don’t have the pictures of my car accessible yet. Apparently my phone only backed up pictures I took then, and not ones I also saved. Shana got the pictures of the car, thank God.)

Time is a funny thing. It’s crazy to think that was four years ago. How much has happened in four years; the places I’ve gone, the people I’ve met, the people I’ve lost, the changes that have occurred, the things I’ve learned. It seems like a blink, but filled with one thousand years.

Needless to say, I had to take off two weeks of dancing after the wreck. I was so upset. I had just begun again and couldn’t afford to take off two weeks. I had already paid for a November I wouldn’t get to be there for. But life happens. You have to take the highs with the lows.

Since then, I’ve rolled my ankle, screwed up my knee and needed PT, had my gallbladder removed, strained my foot, gotten really terrible sunburns, (yes, plural) and probably more things I can’t remember. It seemed I was out for a week every few months there for a while, and though it was frustrating, but I started noticing a trend; I’d come back better.

Now I’m sure there’s some science behind this, but whatever the explanation I’m really grateful for it. Going back to class yesterday, I was a bit nervous. I was hoping that it would be a good class, but I wasn’t sure if a week was enough to really help me. Would I just come back stiff and regretting having taken the time off? Would it really help me at all? Are my feet gonna be so angry I’ll want to throw my pointe shoes out the window?

 I decided to go into class hopeful and see what happened. After all, I had two successful Nutcracker rehearsals before. That should count for something, right?

I loved seeing my Rowland’s and My Cortez’s.  They were two families I actually felt myself missing while I was at home. I swear there’s magic in them.

Ms. Catherine was sick, so Ms. Munro taught our class. There weren’t all that many students there, either, so I found myself excited. There’s just something about a good ol’ Ms. M class that can do you good.

My hips did feel sore, but thankfully Ms. Munro gave us combinations to help with that. We did balances in second, and back coupe, and other things I normally struggle with that I actually surprised myself with being able to hold. Ms. Munro saw two of them and complimented me. The first time, it was even a tone of surprise, like she was impressed. It felt really good. She worked us pretty well and I was a bit nervous I’d be too shaky to really do anything en pointe.

To my surprise, I was able to do everything except for the turn I know I can’t do yet. Thankfully, it was in a combination that I couldn’t do anyway because of my knees, so I just worked on stuff myself at the barre. I found myself holding balances longer, actually getting onto my box most of the time, doing releves I typically have issues with; I even did a really nice pirouette on my bad leg! My good leg wasn’t doing pirouettes for beans, but that’s okay. I marked them instead and got good clean preparations instead. I also felt myself able to roll through my shoe really well. This gives me a bit of confidence mentally. I watched Catherine and Adrienne on the turns I can’t do, trying to get a good understanding with them. I don’t want to try them before I’m ready so I don’t frustrate myself over nothing. Watching helps. I don’t know if it’s the lack of strength I’m still trying to gain up, or if it’s my short toes, or my jacked up knees, or what. They aren’t happening yet, but I hope to have them happen soon. And the fact I got that good clean pirouette on the one side made me feel really good.

I left feeling great, and really encouraged. That was really nice and hadn’t really happened in a while. I also think the people who were in class helped that as well. I didn’t feel judged or inadequate. I felt safe. I hope this is a growing trend that will continue to be this way and continue to get better. 

Success.

Lovely Things

Just a post of some things that have happened this week that I want to remember.

• Sitting on the floor trying to untangle my yarn to continue to crochet. One of the younger dancers strikes an interest. I show her the stitch and she picks it up immediately
• Another younger dancer tells me she's good at untying knots and asks if I would like her help. Turns out she was extremely good at untying knots and got me over the hurdle I was at for a while. The two worked on different sections to master most of the knot.
• Ayla balling up the other end of the yarn to help avoid knots and get more of the giant knot undone.
• One of the mom's saying to me, "You're a person who always does what they say they're going to do." I wish I could remember what we were talking about, but this made me feel like I was the type of person worth being. This is a good feeling
• Joss being absolutely silly and reminding me of myself at her age.
• Mrs. Julie saying I am more than welcome to do the VI's ballet recital piece if I would like to. (The costume is epic. I am so excited.) (Also, I'll be doing it on flat so I'm more comfortable. She is all for it.)
• Seeing Ms. Nancy for the first time in 3 weeks
• Hugging her. (she cried.)
• Reese remember who Cheyanne and I are, that we played cars, and asking to play with us again.
• Reese and Cheyanne walking on my back. (There is a polaroid. I'll post if I can.)
• Reese jumping up and down when she says our names. (Oh my gosh melt.)
• Reese cuddling up as I read her a book, leaving before it was finished, but finishing it anyway as I had a good sized group of advanced dancers around me listening.
• A butterfly named Arthur.
• Ileana telling me with wide eyes, "You did so good on Monday!! I was so proud like, "aww, go Emilee!" This means a lot since Monday's lyrical class is new to me, and also the type of class I deep down want to be able to do. 
• Catherine's genuine smile and laugh when something is funny or she's really excited.
• Mariela being the genuine joy and support that she is. To say I value having her in my life is a vast understatement. 
• Jazz hands.
• Walking into the office and having to walk through Mia's class. I wait until they finish the phrase and try to be invisible, as per usual, when I hear, "*gasp* it's Ms. Emilee!" and turn to see Ayla with a giant smile on her face. I snuck a wave and snuck into the office, my heart officially a puddle.
• Everything about the entire Rowland family.
• Seeing Judy channel all the SYTYCD dancers in Tap class, then take a correction from the teacher and completely nail it.
• Mariela telling me, "When you lifted it, oh my gosh, it was beautiful." (After being corrected. Oops I was doing tendus instead of degages.)
• Elizabeth and Abby always being there with advice and encouragement be it about pointe shoes, sore muscles, or problems in my personal life. Especially when it includes videos of cats or corgis.
• My baby dancers (okay, they're not babies at all. But they're my babies, you understand) hugging me and high fiving and just generally loving the fact that I'm there.
• Having such understanding and supportive teachers to learn from and help me to grow. 
• Having such caring friends in class, looking out for me and helping me when I need it.
• Getting to use the smaller studio on my own after ballet
• Knowing, at the end of the day, even though the struggles seem insurmountable, I'm in a great place that wants nothing more than to see me succeed.

"I can stay."

I think my shoes are dead, but I don't have time to sew new ones. I might figure out time somehow. I guess I kind of have to, huh?
Yesterday was our V's class, which I really like, but it was a bit of a struggle. My pirouettes are still lacking and our teacher was getting onto us for them. She said we should be able to do doubles at this level. I struggle to even do doubles on flat, let along en pointe. I know most of my issue is my knee and back problems, and I'm working to try and improve, but it takes more time than I wish it would. Still, I'm seeing slight improvement, so that's something I guess. I really need to get into my new shoes so I'm not afraid of rolling my ankle. Yesterday it was more that I landed hard and felt the weak spot my ankles have had for as long as I can remember. I haven't felt it in a few years, so it was a bit of a shock. (It's okay though.)
My knee held out and I was able to do everything else. My main issue is the unevenness of my legs and the lacking strength in the left. Siiiiiiiiiiigh.
Class ended and I put on my shoes to leave when one of my "babies" wanted me to watch her do something in the Jazz class. I did, then Heidi asked if I was going to stay. I told her not yet and as soon as I said it I thought, "But you know, I'm probably okay enough to stay." So I watched what they were working on as they marked it. There were only five girls and it needed a sixth, so I asked Heidi, "Do you need another person? I can stay."
I've been wanting to stay for this class. I know it's not everyone's favorite, but I do love how it makes me feel. I'm not overwhelmed. I'm not in someone's shadow. I'm not the obvious beginner. I'm just me, and that's enough.
I am challenged, though, which I appreciate. Just enough of a challenge. Plus, it's all new to me, but it's a new I've been wanting to experience for a while. The dance we did yesterday was the kind that makes you feel something. It wasn't overly complex, though there were elements I struggled with. What I like about how Heidi handles this class is that if you can't do something, you do what you can. She doesn't pressure you into pushing for more if you know you can't. It's more about getting out of your comfort zone.

I think I'm gonna try and start staying, now that my stomach is doing alright. I hope to get more figured out with my back and knee so I can do even more. One thing is for sure--I was really grateful to get to take that class and just let myself feel and show it through movement.

I have many other thoughts from yesterday, but I'm going to keep them for myself.

My friend Amelia took this while I was putting on my shoes yesterday. It may seem simple, but it really means a lot to me. So many times I'm the one taking pictures of other people and no one really does that for me. Not that they have to, not at all, but it kinda weighs on the heart when you look through these great pictures and these candids and you're in none of them. But it's not really something you can just ask someone else to do and hand over your camera. There's something special that is caught in an unexpected moment. Amelia did that for me, and I treasure it.

Personal.

I've been having a pretty rough time in some things in my personal life, which hasn't had too much of an effect on dance, thankfully, but yesterday took the cake.

I can't tell you how grateful I am to be in the studio I am.
I had a panic attack during the day, and then the entire drive to the studio. (Hi, being real with y'all.) It was so bad that I knew I wouldn't be able to sit in the foyer with the kids without questions. I couldn't act happy to get through like I usually do. I couldn't fake this. I was too broken. Instead, I went and sat in the office. I walked in and Ms. Munro and Mrs. Alex were there. I told them I just wanted to hide out until class and they looked concerned. They asked what happened and I couldn't speak because the tears wouldn't go away from my throat and I had to just sit there for a second. I managed to get it out and cried a little and told Mrs. Alex if I just randomly broke down in her class this was why.

I considered not going to dance at all, but I knew I wanted to be there. This is the day I really needed to go. I wanted to pound my feet into the floor rhythmically, and tap was the perfect solution to that. I was able to be composed enough to play it off (well enough at least) in tap and having the moves to focus on was a great distraction. We worked on this one thing that's a Moxie Ford with an extra beat. I didn't it once, and then couldn't seem to get it again. If I thought about it, I couldn't do it. It was frustrating. I realized I was on the brink of another panic attack, I guess perpetually, so I had to calm myself down without anyone knowing. Thankfully, it's tap class, so stomping into the ground is encouraged. Throughout the class I started sort of grasping the concept of the extra step, but I still can't seem to connect it. I'll get it eventually. I really want to get better at tap. I like it. I wish I had more time outside of class to work on stuff to improve.

Mrs. Alex's class went well. Barre felt really good, even if it didn't at the time. Does that make sense? She pushed us out of our comfort zone, which was great. She showed me how to make my arms more fluid, which I really appreciate because I've wondered what's the correct way to do it versus which will make my arms look lazy and flat. I'm really gonna be working on implementing that.
My toes hurt in pointe, but part of it was that I had worked them so much the day before and they were still a bit raw. Another part was that I put that hole in my toe pad, so they were almost irrelevant. (Except for the space they take up in the shoe that I need.) I have new toe pads waiting for me in the mail, so I should be okay by next class. (If I have time to sew my shoes.)
I struggled across the floor. We did things in center that were new and semi-difficult, and I was able to attempt them, so that was nice. I didn't do it full out since I'm not 100% sure how okay my knee is right now, but I grasped the concept and I tried. Across the floor I started to feel overwhelmed again. Mrs. Alex was kind and didn't call me out on it or anything. I really appreciated Adrienne. Everyone else was either struggling just as much, or working on it themselves or whatever. There was one part that was simple, yet I couldn't grasp it. I didn't even mark it because I didn't understand it so I watched to try and figure it out. I was considering not even trying it. Adrienne figured out how to do it, then took the time to come back and explain it to me. She gave me the boost I needed to feel confident enough to try it. She has no idea how much I appreciate that. (And because I'm a sensitive mess right now, I'm crying just remembering her kindness.) (so that's cute.)
The last thing we did across the floor, I just couldn't get. It was simple enough, but a bit too fast for me. It involved pique turns, which I had worked on the day before, but knew I wasn't fast enough for what it required. I tried it to the right, but to the left I didn't. I took off my shoes. I almost panicked after the time I did try, because I'm all on edge and all, so I went into the corner and just tried to breathe. A few of the girls asked if I was okay, and I just nodded. I couldn't hid it. But I know I'll be okay eventually.

Mrs. Rowland told me that I looked really beautiful in class today. Which shocked me with how rough I was feeling. But I appreciate her words. And her constant support. I love that whole family.

I can't express how much I appreciate the kindness of my peers. They don't have to be nice to me. They can leave me to figure things out for myself if they wanted. A lot of dancers would. A lot of dance teachers wouldn't let you sit and cry in the office about things no one has control over. Mine are patient with me, and understanding. They don't look down on me because I'm overwhelmed, they support me.

I wish I had taken a picture on my phone of the polaroid from last night. It's golden.

I'm skipping dance tonight. One of the dance mom's asked me to take her daughter to So You Think You Can Dance in San Antonio since she had surgery recently and can't. I'm really excited. I didn't think I'd get to go again, but it worked out. I'll get home late and more than likely be dead tired, but it'll be worth it. Plus to get to hang out with Judy will be really fun.

So if you're the praying type, please be praying for me. I trust God completely and I know whatever is ahead for me is well worth what I'm going through now. I just need to be able to get through it.

Monday.

Yesterday, I was able to do an entire class without my knee brace.
I still didn't do grand plies, and some of the stuff in center was a little too much to risk, but my knee still doesn't hurt.

I noticed myself getting stronger, and being more able to do certain things, but also where I'm still lacking in strength. Specifically on my left/shorter leg. I really want to work towards strengthening this, knowing that I can only go so far until I'm able to build that up. I don't know when I'll have time to do this, since I'm at the studio 5 days a week as it is, and my weekends are consumed with catching up on stuff in my personal life/pictures/sleep/laundry/nutcracker rehearsals. I'm considering dropping my VI classes so I can work by myself at home. But I don't want to do that unless I would actually use the time for that. (It's still a new thought, so I have time to figure it out.)

It's nice to feel the progress, but I know I still have a very long way to go. Even so much as to catch up.
My muscles have felt really tight lately, even though I've been stretching (No more than what I'm used to?) and rolling out at night to try and help it. I don't know that I've been drinking as much water, so I'm going to try and be better about that.

For those keeping up on the health side of things, I saw my doctor yesterday for the follow up on my blood work. She came in and explained the details of each test and what it all means, opening with, "I wish I had your blood." Wait. What?
Everything came back absolutely perfect. Which was really weird. H. Pylori was negative. I'm not even anemic, which is contradictory to what I was told by my last doctor.
So if I'm not anemic, then why was I so light headed last week that I had to leave class, twice?
Apparently, I've had a perpetual bladder infection for the last 8+ years.
Sounds simple, right?
She told me of how intense bladder infections can be, and how she'll see people come into the hospital literally insane because of bladder infections. They run in my family, so they're not new to me, but how I know them is to be a simple thing caused by negligence or whatever. So she has me on antibiotics, and yesterday was the first day I haven't felt sick in I don't know how long. It was almost alarming to me.
I did feel kinda funny at night, but I don't think that was from anything. Today has been almost as good, but I'm also playing with my IBS medication.
She said the bladder being so close to the intestines that it having an infection could have caused all the other things I was feeling, including the light headedness I was experiencing.
(And apparently I don't eat enough. So I need to work on that.)
(But also, it'll be easier now if food continues to not hurt me.)

(woohoo)

Meanwhile, my chiropractor wasn't there yesterday, so I had this older lady I've never seen before. But she knows my Dad. And likes to tell stories. (she's really sweet? But like. I don't know her.)
So I didn't get to ask about my back/leg/unevenness/stuff. Hopefully he'll be there when I go back in two weeks. He's supposed to be. *crosses fingers*

Ms. Catherine was back yesterday teaching our class. She was out last week, so I subbed her two younger classes and Ms. Heidi taught the V's class. When I saw her yesterday, she thanked me for covering her classes, which I don't believe another teacher has done. It's just like, expected I guess. A teacher is gone, the sub comes in. But she thanked me, and genuinely appreciated it.
Some people don't prefer her class, but I have come to realize it is probably my favorite. Moreso because she doesn't give us anything that's over our heads, so I typically feel good in that class, but also challenged in areas. It's the balance I need as the level V that I am. I really appreciate it.
(It also lets me test if I can make it without a brace and for how long.)
She has my respect.

That one time we danced in the dark.

Class started out pretty normal.
I had tap, but my tap shoe somehow managed to melt off to where the tap separated from the shoe.
But I didn't lose the screw?

(It just got worse from here)

So I did tap in ballet shoes, which is a funny concept.
It was hard, but it was fine. Just really had to focus on the feel rather than the sound.
(arms were a joke.)

I think Julie likes having me in there because she knows I can help her when she needs it.
Yesterday, it was helping her write out what three different combos were for the girls who came in late or just struggled so they could practice at home.
(my hand writing is terrible, so this was hard, but they could read it. Bless.)
Class was fun, though. I'm kinda getting the hang of it.
I really enjoy it. My brain works in patterns and rhythms, so it's a great combination.

My knee has been doing pretty alright. We did the whole class Tuesday en pointe, so the part I was there for was mainly barre. But I did better than I thought I would. I was able to think about my knee and realize where I still need work and what is getting better.

Yesterday barre went pretty well. My knee hurt a few times, but I'm figuring it out. (It's hard, because letting my hips be uneven makes my back hurt. sigh. The struggle.) We put on our pointe shoes, and most of the things we did weren't all that invasive. The parts that were, I just skipped and did on demi instead, and did en pointe what I could. The hard part was that it was so fast, so I struggle regardless. I would have been challenge on flat let alone with pointe shoes on.

Although, we had this combination that involved a lot of balancing, and though I'm still not perfect with it with pointe shoes on, I was able to do more than usual. It was a struggle, but it felt good. I was proud.

We had about 30 minutes left in class, marking a combination, when the power went out.
I stood still, heard some of the girls freaking out, and then felt a hand on my arm. One of my friends is really afraid of the dark, so I just stayed with her and reassured her; talking to her to get her mind off of it. About a minute later, the lights came back on.
We continued, and the first group did the combination.
I was part of the second group. We started doing the combination, and--conveniently--right when we get to the part when I realized I couldn't remember what came next, the power went out again. I couldn't find my friend, but the lights came back on again, so we started over and just continued on with class.

We learned this variation that mainly had to do with character and direction. We were about to start it when the power went out for a third time! I looked for my friend, but couldn't find her again, and another one grabbed me and I held her. The power came back on again and I saw that my friend had been in front of me. She said she was okay, and we continued on and did the variation. At this point, we were starting to wonder what we should do about it. We had about seven minutes left in class, so we learned this other combination for across the floor. (Saute, back saute, tombe, pas de bourree, jete, grand jete) I really liked it and how it felt, and asked about the arms cause I kept switching them. I walked back to the corner where we were gonna start. My friend was tucking her ribbons, and I put my hand lightly on her back, and no sooner I did the power went off again. She laughed and grabbed my arm. It was like I knew it was about to switch off again.

This time it stayed off. We had five minutes left and we kinda waited to see what we were going to do. By this time, we had little lantern lights in our studio and the other one and could see at least something. Most of the girls flocked to the light, so I did the combination by myself because I loved it and how it made me feel.
Mrs. Alex had us do saute, jete, jete across the floor one by one twice on both sides. You could hear the girls giggling and from what you could see, they were giving it their all. Something about thinking you aren't seen and you're having a blast makes them really come alive.
A few of them had really just shown so much energy as a whole. Adrienne was one of them. She was really giving it her all and you could see it. She was beautiful to watch. And she and Allison had really pretty jete's, even in the dark.

At the end of class, everyone got out their phones and took pictures of us in the studio in the dark. It ended up being really fun.

Between one of the off-and-on moments, Mrs. Alex told us about a time during a performance when the power went out and she was in the middle of a complex turn sequence. She kept going and when she finished the power came back on. Can you imagine? Talk about nerve wracking.

(This was us leaving the studio, seeing that businesses to our left were out as well, while businesses to the right were fine.)

The studio

I love this so much.

"Why do I even do this?"

Yesterday was rough.
It seemed like I found myself saying "I can't" not because I didn't want to try, but because my body physically wouldn't allow me to do the things. The sentence ended with "yet" most of the time, but still it started to feel very harrowing.
These were things I needed to be working on, things I need to improve on, and I couldn't do them because it would shoot pain into my knee, or it's not strong enough yet.

I felt like a failure.
It was very overwhelming.
Worst of all, I felt exposed. My teacher knew and I couldn't just blend in and pretend I could do all these things.
I felt defeated.

But that's not what I really want to write about today.

Work has been rough, to say I'm over it is an understatement, but I'm trying to keep a positive attitude towards it since I'm there and I need it right now. I remind myself it isn't forever and that for now I have to make the most of it. That "this too shall pass" and all that other good stuff.
I was thinking about ballet, and how I'm in the studio five days a week now. I thought of how dancing makes me feel and the place I've ended up in and how wonderful it is.
I thought about the seemingly-spontaneous decision I made almost 4 years ago to pursue this childhood dream of mine of dancing en pointe. I thought of my first class and how terrified I was to even look into classes, let alone take them. I thought of those first months and panicking in the corner at not being able to do seemingly simple things.

I thought about my first performance.
How overwhelmed I was at some of the steps, and how I would spend hours at home going over it until I had it. How I would search the internet for tips and tricks and explanations. How my parents didn't want to come and it made me really sad.

I thought about my first recital. How I sat out recital my first year there, and was excited about it my second year there. I thought of the corrections my teacher gave me there that are second nature now. I thought of the photo day and all the people I'm friends with now. I thought of how my parents complained about seeing me dance that time too, especially about the parking and not having good seats cause they left too late like it was my fault.

I thought of my second holiday showcase. How I got to help with the babies and it was madness. I thought of how I decided then to dance for myself and no one else and if my parents or anyone else didn't want to come I wouldn't make them because it just makes me feel guilty for not being understanding of them not wanting to come or whatever. I thought of how I had to rush home after work to change to get to the studio in time. How I was always perpetually early to beat traffic so they started having me assist the baby ballet/tap classes.

I thought of Bailando and getting to take pictures and really committing to this.

I thought of my first pair of convertible tights.

I thought of asking my dance teacher if getting en pointe by the next year was feasible and her being uncertain.

I thought of the next year and how I was given the permission form two weeks before my 25th birthday (which was my bucket list goal--before 25.)

I thought of little arms around my neck as I took a group picture with my class I helped teach.

I thought of how my family didn't come to my last dance recital at my old studio.

I thought of my studio shutting down.

I thought of how harrowing it was to find a new studio. How scary it was. How no one spoke to me when I was there so I would bring a book and pretend to be invisible as to not draw attention to myself. I thought of how out of my depth I felt and that they must be judging me in class. That they probably thought I should be better than I am and that I was a joke. How I felt I have to work harder to prove myself since I "don't look like a dancer." I thought of how I felt when I saw dancers who were good and not stick thin, that I could do it, too.

I thought of watching Nutcracker by myself because no one would go with me and my friends kinda sucked then but tried to make me feel like I was the sucky one (anyway) and how certain dancers would stand out to me.

I thought of my first Nutcracker auditions, and how the one friend I knew encouraged me. How I had to audition with the younger kids cause I knew my pointe was next-to-nothing and there's no way I could keep up with the older group, even though I seemed to have the director fooled.

I thought of the disappointment in casting, but how I was going to make the most of it. How I wasn't going to let other people make me feel like I was lesser for my casting. How I wouldn't let my family's comments on how I'm "only in the show for a minute and a half" bother me and not pressure them into coming to see me, even though it'd be my first performance en pointe.

I thought of how I rolled my ankle at auditions and how I thought of giving up all together since I couldn't find good shoes. That it must be me. How I won a pointe shoe fitting contest through Capezio that changed everything.

I thought of my first Nutcracker season, and being sad it was over.

I thought of Oz and auditioning with 5s and wanting to quit again and how the entire show turned around for me. How I became friends with all these girls and how the dancers that stood out to me when I watched Nutcracker alone were now my friends and some of my biggest encouragers.

I thought of my first recital en pointe. How my parents came, got free parking, and afterwards told me, "you looked like a real ballerina up there!"

I thought of where I am now. How I'm at the studio 5 days a week without rehearsals. How Nutcracker casting is pending and I have no idea how I'll be able to pull it off. I thought of the mom in the studio yesterday that told me, "If your parents ever don't want you, I do." I thought of the support that I get and how people believe in me. How people like me. And how weird and wonderful it all is.


And in all of this, I thought of what my life would be like if I had never taken that first step. If I had never faced the fear of the unknown and taken that first class. If I had given up all those times before. If I wouldn't have pushed through.
I would leave work, and go home, and be by myself and probably miserable. I wouldn't have near as many friends. I'd feel out of place since most the friends in my life are in different stages. How I would have nothing to take away the sting of how terrible work makes me feel. Nothing to strive for. Nothing to achieve. Nothing to feel accomplished with. Nothing to dedicate myself to. It would be like walking around sick with no medication to help.

Dance is my medication for the pain life gives me.
Dance is the sanity in my crazy world.
Dance is the clarity in a place that doesn't make sense.
Dance is the comfort in my life of tragedy.
Dance is my friend when I'm alone.

What would my life be without dance?
Shallow. Limited. Insecure. Lonely. Sad.

Ballet has taught me, and helped me grow as a person. It has lead me to meeting wonderful people and having experiences I carry in my heart always. Ballet gives expression to the depths of me no one knows.

People in my life, those reading this, those who don't even know about it--they don't know the full me. The tragedy, the pain, the difficult things I've gone through. They see me in the after. They see me in my element, in the happiest state of being. Some of them know of hardships I have faced, and instead of treating me like a freak or some celebrity or something stupid, they walk beside me.

Ballet has given me things I could never replace or even known to have hoped for.

So on days like yesterday when everything feels overwhelming, and I find that thought in the back of my mind coming to surface of, "Why do I even do this? I'm never going to get past this. Who am I kidding?" I remember all the beautiful things the last (almost) four years has given me.

And I smile.
And say, "Try it one more time."

It'll all work out. It may not look the way I want it to, but it'll solve itself. I'll figure something out and I'll keep fighting.

Hi it's been a week.

I have managed to make it through this week of classes.
We were off on Monday for Labor Day, which was good considering something bit my feet (again) and they swelled up and I couldn't walk on them until Tuesday.
(Such a wreck.)
I had my doctor's appointment on Tuesday. I also showed her my bites and she was pretty shocked by them. She said if it happens again--especially before Nutcracker Auditions on Saturday--to just walk in and they'd be able to give me antibiotics and a steroid shot to help.
I like this lady already.

Tuesdays class went really well, I felt. My feet held up and my knee wasn't too bad and my stomach was typical.

Wednesday I had been asked to sub two classes. A 4/5 ballet and a 9-12 ballet.
The 4/5 ballet felt like madness, but mainly because there were so many girls. They were pretty rambunctious and my music decided it didn't want to work. I made it work though, and got through, and the kids seemed happy.
The 9-12 ballet was my favorite by a long shot.
I walk in and half the class was girls who were monkey's in Oz. I opened the door, they saw me, and their faces lit up and they ran over to me to hug me. Talk about making me feel like I'm Taylor Swift. My teacher's daughter was in that class as well. She's a quiet type, but so incredibly sweet and kind, and seeing her face get excited when I walked completely made my day. I love this little nugget!
I worked them pretty hard, and they kept up really well. I saw them implementing corrections and really trying hard. They're such a serious bunch, which is great. I made my typical sound effects and stuff, which made them laugh so that was great. (hehe)
One of the girls I didn't know, Mona, really shows potential. To say I was impressed is an understatement.
At the end of class, I had them working on pirouettes. Just simple, from fourth, across the floor. I did it with them and by the end of it, man, I was landing beautiful turns. And my knee didn't hurt. And life felt great.
They were rock stars and did so great in class. I love them.
Mrs. Alex told me she asked Elizabeth what she thought of class. "She makes funny faces and funny sounds, but I like her!" Score!
Next I helped assist Mia's class for one of the other girls who couldn't make it. She ended up only having 6 girls and it was a 3/4 class, but I was glad to do it because I had never seen a 3/4 class. They do it very differently from how we did it at Instep, but it works really well for them. I want to try and implement more of those styles when I teach that level, so I'm trying to remember the format she used. The girls stayed quiet and followed along, and it was just great. (Probably helped that there were only 6 kids.)

By the end of that, I'm dead. That morning had not been kind to me and the repercussions were still evident.
But I still had my own class to get through. And my last one before auditions, at that.
I warned Mrs. Alex about it beforehand, just in case. And I was kinda scared at this point. I felt faint and nauseated and weak. Just standing up left me dizzy and my vision fading. How did I expect to make it through ballet class?
Still, I did the 200 crunches she had us do. (Most I've ever done. And I was so sick. How. I don't know. I'm just. What.)
We did the barre work, and I felt my brain starting to space. Thankfully, I had Emerson in front of me for the left side. It was a good little buffer having her in front of me so if my brain lagged, but body did it anyway.
A few of the things got me twisted up, which Mrs. Alex saw once when she complimented me right as I messed up. It was pretty funny though, and I think it actually happened twice. She was watching me, though. Which was great. And it all felt great. I remember standing there thinking, "why can't I just be well? Why does this have to be a struggle? It doesn't have to be."
We put on our pointe shoes, and I joined with the premise that I needed to work on turns before Saturday.
By this point, I felt like I could fall over at any moment. And not even because my muscles were worked or whatever. It wasn't a matter of laziness, but of my body just giving out on me.
Still, the first combination we did across the floor brought improvement. I learned and grew and was able to do more than usual. The second combination included turns, and my right side (which has my good knee) is actually looking better. Enough to feel okay going into Saturday. My left side is still weak, but at least I know what is holding it back. I can take the steps to improve on it. (And hopefully we won't do that side at auditions. Fingers crossed.)
After that, I sat out. I told Mrs. Alex, and she made the comment that I was doing really well. I said, "imagine how good I'd be if I wasn't sick." without even realizing I was saying it. But I mean, really.

Mrs. Rowland made a comment about how she doesn't know how I do it--how I push through. The way I see it is that I don't have a choice. If I don't push through, I'll never get any farther than I am right now. What it comes down to is this is going to be a process to try and find a solution. It's been a long term problem and it won't be resolved over night. I don't have any more time to waste so I can either sit it out when I don't feel well and never do anything because I never feel well, or I can fight through it and just know on the worse days I may have to hold back a little.
I'm hoping I can start to feel better and soon. I'm hoping this won't be forever, even though it's all I ever remember feeling anymore. I'm hoping that maybe there's hope. But until then, I'll push through until I can't anymore. I'll do my best and leave no excuses.

I still forget that most people don't know I'm sick, and those that do are pretty new to the knowledge. It's nice to know that I'm doing my best and that my best is more than enough. Ballet has been rejuvenating for me in my life, showing me that I'm not all the things people have told me I am--weak, lazy, making excuses, dramatic, faking it, etc. That this really is something I should take care with and give myself the room for humanity that I need.

I have found myself in a beautiful place among such supportive people. Sure, no one is perfect, but this has been the greatest bit of humanity I have ever experienced. And for that I am grateful beyond words.

And now, enjoy an old picture of Cheyanne from before I knew her.
I creeped this shot after class one day because there was just something about her that just stood out and I couldn't not document it. Now she's one of my dearest friends :)

Bump in the road.

Yesterday was the 5s class that has the separate pointe class with it. (So essentially, its the longer 5s class. Fancy words and diction is failing me. meh.)
I was slightly hesitant about the class, being that my knee was still being dumb, but hopeful that I could still make it through and it would be good.

Turns out I couldn't plie at all on my right side.
Usually I can push through. Usually I can suck it up and just manage and make it work. Usually its not that big of a deal.
Yesterday was not a usually.
I tried anyway, but when it came to using the right leg, I felt my face grimace and tears well up in my eyes. The pain was shooting through my knee, under the knee cap, undeniable.
I didn't cry. I didn't panic. But Mrs. Alex could see all over my face that I wanted to. She told me, "You look so serious!" Or commented on how we looked focused and needed to have lighter expressions. Usually I can. Yesterday I couldn't.
I didn't cry because I wouldn't let myself. I didn't panic because I willed myself not to. I stopped and breathed deeply and every other trick I could think of. I shut off my brain and hoped I could still keep up with the combo because, ya know, my brain was off.
Mrs. Alex caught on. They know my knee has been messing up, and they're really understanding. She said, "Don't do anything more than you can." To which I managed, "I can't even plie." And you could see on her face that she knew my pain.
Turns out the second half of class was nearly impossible. Eloise and I talked of our perpetual ailments and how we managed and what doctors we saw and who she recommended. It's nice having someone who really gets it.

The class continued on, and I found I couldn't do much of anything in center. Parts of it, yes, but anything that required bending the right knee past an inch was out of the question.
And beyond frustrating.
I stood in the back.
I watched.
I marked.
I laughed with Eloise when neither of us could do anything.
We watched.
We marked.
I tried getting the motion of the movement as if I were able to do it.
Anything that could get more ballet into my brain.

After class I talked to Mrs. Alex about it. We discussed options of what I can do and told her I might either be late to class the next day or not able to come at all depending on the chiropractor.
Ms. Munro asked if I was interested in helping with the baby classes that are packed.
I got in my car.
I cried.
Big huge tears, crying out to God because I need dance. It's not just something I enjoy, it's a necessity in my life. If I got to choose fixing my knee or fixing my internal issues, I'd choose knee. Because dancing helps the internal stuff and I can dance through that more easily even if it can be debilitating at times.
It sucks. It all sucks. And it's not fair. But it is what it is.

I've been consulting Dr. Google today, trying to gain a better understanding of why my knee would be hurting. My assumption is that it's because the right leg is the longer leg. So I researched a bit and found out there's a muscle that runs through and connects all the important parts for the hip/leg. (lots of medical mumbo jumbo I don't quite grasp enough to detail or summarize.) I read that everyone tends to have their legs a little uneven, and that it's typically your dominate leg that is. (mine isn't. so. that's cool.) They say your muscles can get really tight and cause your hip to shove up into your ribs and make your legs uneven.
Oh.
Did my Chiropractor tell me this? I don't know. It was an overwhelming day, and a lot was said. It's possible he did, but it all seems new to me now.
The muscle that I read about is coincidentally the muscle that is the main storage for our response to stimulus. In other words, it holds our stress.
Oh.
On article called it the "trauma muscle."
Yeah that sounds about right.
I found another article that detailed a stretching/strengthening/massaging regimen to help loosen the muscle and get the hips even again. I bookmarked it.

I'm afraid my chiropractor will talk to me like I'm stupid. Or tell me I haven't done something right or enough or whatever. I've kept up with the stuff the Physical Therapist showed me best I can, but it doesn't seem to be doing much. My back is better, it's my knee that's not now. And it's given me trouble before, but nothing like this.
(and now, of course, my stomach started getting angry as I'm writing this. what the heck.)
I need answers, not criticism. I need understanding, not judgement. I need solutions.
I don't care what I have to do. Last night I even thought how I would amputate the leg and learn to dance with a prosthetic (over lots of time and work, obviously) if it meant I could dance that way but now how it is now. If they told me I had to stop dancing because of my knees, then cut off my knees and give me a leg that can't feel pain. I'll make it work.

I'm frustrated. I'm upset. I'm scared and nervous and anxious.
I just want to dance.