Push the limits.

Yesterday's class started off rough but ended on a high note.

I'm nowhere near where I want to be in my training, and I know I have to work hard to get there. But yesterday it felt like all my flaws were screaming out as Ms. Lori and Ms. Munro were watching. I was embarrassed and unsure of what the problem was--is it something I need to work through, or is something wrong with me? Both are high probabilities--and had to take a mental moment to pull myself together so they wouldn't see my struggle.
There's no time for that.
You have to make the split second decision. Are you going to fight through? Or are you going to tap out and not know your full limits?
How will you improve if you don't push the limits?

So even though I was shaking and didn't know why, even though I felt I couldn't breathe, even though my head felt really weird, I kept going.
I pushed myself through shaking legs and frazzled emotions and kept going.
I have to be better. I have to try harder.
I can't wimp out.

It wasn't perfect. There were brief moments where I didn't push it--mostly out of fear that I'd hurt myself or something, and I had already proven I could do what was being asked, which was a big thing for me as I was mostly proving it to myself--but I at least tried it. I didn't wimp out. I didn't make excuses. I faced that mirror and I did what I could and I dusted off the words my head was telling me.
There's nothing I can do about it at this moment.
It won't always be this way.
please don't let me be lying to myself.

Despite it all, I finally felt a bit of improvement with pointe. I felt more comfortable in my shoes. I felt a smidge more confident. I felt like maybe this will be okay and I'll keep working hard and get to where I want to be. That all is not lost. Maybe I've finally broken through that barrier of fear that's been holding me back.
If you're afraid, that's when you'll get hurt. You have to trust yourself and go confidently towards what you want. If you fall or fail, you get back up and learn from it. Failure shouldn't define you, it should guide you.

Class carried on.
We worked on recital, and I felt myself soaring through bits I had previously been nervous about.
I felt myself improving.

We moved into the bigger studio when the other class was done and ran it as they were all still leaving.
Their teacher--a noted strict one who doesn't take funny business--stayed and watched us.
The pressure was on. Most of the girls didn't feel it because most are unknowing of his expectations. I wasn't afraid, just aware. I did my best. I focused as hard as I could. I counted and followed and lead and everything else.
We finished.
He applauded.
He complimented our teacher, said it's looking good.
He told us to imagine how good it would look if we pointed our feet.
Then.
He complimented us.
I get back to the side we start on before running it again and look at the other V and said, "Did you hear that? Brian just complimented us. And we had a silent freak out together because that never happens.
We ran it again, we added in the new bit and brainstormed how we would end it. Ms. Munro was there and she seemed really pleased with the dance. Ms. Lori is the sweetest most humble lady ever.
Toyed with the idea of adding more music to the dance since we cut out the into to the first bit, but it's a bit long already, but that's okay.
I'm so happy.
I love this dance.

I want to work harder, but then I wake up in the morning to sore ankles and realize I'm probably doing all I can at the moment and shouldn't push it too hard. Time will show this is worth it.

After class