Today was rough.
My left leg (which is usually my good leg) felt fake.
My right leg oddly did well.
My brain felt like it wasn't there at all
Seriously, like I couldn't recognize anything above my neck. It felt blank.
What the heck has gotten into me?
I got really frustrated in class, and felt so horrible for it, because I couldn't explain what had me so...just, off.
I ended up going up to Jilissa afterwards and apologizing. I don't know what my deal is.

Why can't I get these simple moves I should know?
Why do I so overwhelmingly feel like I'm so far behind on where I should be?
Why does it feel so impossible?

I found myself actually considering quitting.
Why not?
Life is insane and all over the place.
I can't be everything to everyone as it is.
Worst part is, I don't want to be. I'm so much happier when I'm not. But then I feel so guilty, I don't know what to do about it.

I just want to dance.
I want to commit.
I don't want everything else getting in the way.
I want to dance and take pictures.
And be happy.

Not that the rest of my life is bad, because it's not.
But I just want to do this...

Why does it feel like even though I've done everything "right" in life (the way I was told to, I don't do "bad" things. I did everything i'm supposed to) I seem to be the most out of place. It seems like everyone who did these wrong things that I was seemingly wise enough to avoid are the ones that have found themselves in the place we're supposed to be through them.

Where did I go wrong?
What the heck am I supposed to do?

I feel numb today. Seriously, like my left leg is fake and my mind isn't me.
I just hope this goes away soon.

Secrets.

I went to dance class yesterday besides being sunburned to a crisp.
People called me stubborn or ridiculous, but I knew I needed to be there.
No excuses.
Honestly, it helped me;having my knees so tight helped me to feel what I was doing wrong or right.
On top of that, I'm glad that I was there to hear the tips Jilissa had.
While we were in Advanced class trying to work on combinations, she would do her normal thing where she would say things we needed to be working on as we danced. There was one that just clicked for Annika, and after it clicked, Jilissa talked to us.
"I knew what it was Annika needed to fix, but I knew it wouldn't do any good if I said it. Sometimes the best way for y'all to learn is by letting you figure out where it is you're going wrong and ask me in a way you understand. Sometimes it's something really simple, and once it clicks, it makes all the difference. I have all the secrets, but if I tell you all the secrets, then they don't mean as much. It'd be like me throwing up all over you all this dance lingo and you wouldn't be able to handle it. But as you learn and practice and keep going, then I can give you the secrets as you're able to handle them."

Mind = Blown.

That's how the Lord works. He has all the secrets to a successful life that we could ever need. But if He gave them all to us at once, then they wouldn't mean as much. We wouldn't yearn for them, we wouldn't yearn for Him. It would be all to simple. Our pride would get in the way.
I'm not gonna lie, I laughed when she said the "throwing up" part. But that's because I knew what she was saying was significant, and I was trying to remember it for this blog post. Everyone sure did look at me funny for laughing... hehehehe :)

Fuel the fire

In class yesterday, I noticed that I am now officially the only one not on pointe.
Everyone else has been able to get their pointe shoes and are now beginning to work on learning everything over again on their toes.
At first, it really bothered me. Them? How are they on pointe, and not me? I know I can do more than her!
But, then I thought about it. They probably remember to plie. They probably keep their heels down. They probably remember to spot. Those things Jilissa said I have to do before she'll put me up on pointe. And not because she wants to be mean, or wants to keep me from the one thing I desire so badly. On the contrary. She does this to help me. She knows that it will be easier for me to transition to pointe if I can master these things in ballet shoes first. That it will be less stressful for me.
I know that I can trust Jilissa. I know that she knows better than I do. And even when it seems like everyone else is excelling before me, that everyone is better than me, that this isn't a race. It's not about whose better or whose worse or whatever. It's about us going at our own pace, doing what is best for us. It's hard, too, because some friends of mine have joined dance. And they are liable to be very fast learners. But I can't let that get me down.
I have to remember where I came from. I have to remember that I am different. I have to remember how much I want this. I have to work hard.
I have to let the challenges fuel the fire.

Recital

We've had recital rehearsal the past two days
And I've realized that I want to dance.
Yes, I know, I already dance
But I want to make this one of my main priorities.
I want to be able to make it one of my main priorities.
I love dancing, I love preforming, I love practicing, I love it all.

I don't know how this will happen, but my heart burns for it.

Dancer's High

"When you're here, you don't have to think about anything else but this. For that amount of time, all that matters is what is going on in here. Not anything else"
She's so right.
And that is one of my favorite thing
It's like that studio is the box of security.
That once you step foot in, nothing else matters.
No one can get to you, nothing can hurt you, nothing can upset you.
All that matters is the step you're perfecting and whatever comes next.

The world melts away.

Next level.

My dance teacher said something during a discussion that made my night.
She got us all together at the end and was expressing the importance of us all being there. We need to learn the recital piece, and even for those few of us that are always there, having people missing hurts us all. It holds us back when we have to go back and re-teach.
She was telling us how the 6 year olds are doing better than we are, and how we should be the best dance next to the advanced ballet one. That's when she said it.
"Every single one of you in here are intermediate ballet. No one in here is beginner anymore."
My heart beamed with pride.
I love ballet. I love it so much.
My heart is so full when I dance.
I know summer is going to be intense, and difficult, but I am so excited to get to do it all.

<3 <3 <3

Summer classes

Okay, so this isn't really anything I'm learning, but it is something I'm really excited about!
Jilissa told us today what to expect for the summer classes.
Usually we'll start a little earlier or go a little longer or something that changes it a little bit.

Today she told us we would start at 5:15 instead of 6.
That Beginner/Intermediate will be from 5:15-6:15
Then we'll have a pointe class from 6:15-6:45
Then we'll have advanced from 6:45-8

She then told us,
"I highly recommend you stay for the pointe class. Even if you're not on pointe yet, but you're working towards it. It's going to be a lot of releve's and strengthening exercises. It's going to be really good. And every single one of you in here can stay for the advanced class. I want every single one of you in the advanced class."
wait, all of us? We can all stay?
I can stay for advanced?!

She then went on to tell us that it's going to be a lot of hard work and really going for it this summer. Summer's tend to be a little more intense and really good for challenging and bettering you.
I'm really excited. My goal is to get on pointe by fall, but I know if that doesn't happen, then it'll be okay. I don't want to get on earlier than what I'm ready for. But she was making a lot of eye contact with me, so I know she knows I want this. And the fact that she's changing the classes to do these things that are going to help me so much, I'm PUMPED.

I'm really looking forward to summer :)