Fight for it.

Working on our recital piece, we ended up having to go over this one 36 count long section for about 30 minutes straight.
It's not necessarily a difficult section, a little confusing, but once you get it, it's hard to mistake. For some reason, we struggled with this as a whole; one part of the second 6 (not 8) count section proved especially problematic. We did it over and over and over again until we knew that we did the plie until count 4 when we went into pique arabesque instead of count 3, and that it was pique, not a releve up to it.

Jilissa told us how important it is for all of us to be on the same count. Since we're dancing in a group like a corps type movement, if one is off, it throws the whole thing. She said some of us got it every time, while others struggled.
"You all have to fight for it. You have to decide that this is what you want and fight for it."

That thing that feels impossible?
Fight for it.
Don't you dare give up before it has the chance to prove to you that there's possibility there.
You can do all things.
Where's your strength?
Fight.

Vulnerable.

Vulnerability.
I have noticed this to be a reoccurring theme; not only in dance, but seemingly everywhere I go.

I've hesitated writing about this, because it forces me to acknowledge that I, indeed, have to let myself be vulnerable and be okay with it.
I've had my fair share of abuse lashed out in my vulnerability, and some even when I'm hard as a rock, but now comes the point where I have to ask myself; am I going to let that define me?

You go through things, and you think you've overcome it all and healed as much as you can; but the truth is, you never really stop healing.
Once you've had a wound so deep inflicted on you--for whatever the reason--getting back to the person you were pre-event can prove to be rather difficult. You may feel that it takes months or years to finally get back to where you feel like you know who you are, and by then you're a completely different person anyway. I may feel that you never get there. But you know what, every moment--before, after, whatever--you are you. You are constantly growing, developing, falling and rising and falling and rising again. This thing doesn't define you, but it does become part of your story.
This may come across as embarrassing, shameful even, but it's not.
You are now given something most other people never receive.
A voice.
You can speak up and speak out.
You can be the gentle reassurance when someone else finds themselves in the same place.
The pain and grief will come and go in waves, but you can either let it weigh down on you, or you can rise above it and do something with it.

Anyways.
I've heard the quote about how anyone can do the moves, but without the expression, technique falls flat (total and complete paraphrase. In fact, I don't think I got a word of that correct; but the concept is what matters.) and I've struggled with the logic of this. How can I express if I don't even understand the steps? Isn't that what I'm in class for? To learn how to execute certain moves and then perfect on them as I learn to string them together with other moves? How can I even get across the floor when I don't understand the moves you're asking me to get there?

Woah, woah, woah, slow down there, killer.
You're thinking too much.
Stop, take a breath, and just go.
So what if you screw it up. Even if you were on stage, half the people in the audience don't know what you're doing anyway.
Ever watched videos of professionals? Newsflash: they screw up too.
Do you know why you have a hard time being able to tell?
Their artistry.
Do you know what makes their artistry so great?
Vulnerability.

It makes me wish I could get back into an acting class, or do another play. To remind myself how it feels and what is required to put your entire being into a character. You know the lines, you know the blocking, you are equipped as much as you can be and still things occasionally go wrong. But you are able to handle it, "The show must go on." You have to be able to put your whole self into the character, to essentially bring them to life. What is different in dance?

Even if you're in the corps, you're vital. Every part is important.
I heard a man on a radio broadcast yesterday give the example of an orchestra. He asked a conductor which was the hardest instrument to conduct. Do you know what he said? "Second fiddle." Do you know why? Because anyone can play first fiddle and put their complete self into the piece, but to be the second fiddle and put forth the same energy and excitement and passion? It's hard to find. People don't like not being known for their great work.
Let go of your pride.
Be like Bess Flowers. She has more movie work under her belt than most top named stars starting in the 1920s, but most movie goers wouldn't know her name, and only the avid would recognize her face. Why? She was an extra. They called her, "The Queen of Hollywood Extras." She was so good and so consistent and put all of herself into "just" the extra roles that the directors started to take note. She was even requested by many of the big named guys of the day.

She was vulnerable.
She went in every day like she had something great to offer the world, because she did.
She didn't do it to see her name in lights, but out of deep passion. She wanted to see the movies succeed, she wanted to do what she could to add strength and ease to bringing these stories to life.
And she never had to worry about having work.

Be vulnerable.
Put all of you into everything you do.
Even if you think no one will ever notice or appreciate you, I guarantee you, it's worth it.
And not only is it worth it, it'll encourage and inspire people that you may have never realized, and ones that those the big names inspire would never be able to.

So now, in class, as much as I am able, I want to put my whole self into what I do.
I want to develop and push myself, I want to give every ounce of everything I have.
I want to put everything into dance now, because I may not get another chance after today.
I know this all too well.
Fight for it.
Don't make excuses.
Don't give up.

Be vulnerable.
Show the world what you're made of.
What's the worst that could happen?

Life.

We had a sub for last night's ballet class.
She's my favorite, and I haven't had her in a while.

Some of the other girls laugh at her, because she's so eccentric. She gets into the roll every time she dances, even just in practice.

I, personally, think she is wonderful.
She keeps it light-hearted. She knows where we're coming from.
She also keeps the combinations simple for the sake of technique. She'd rather us not have to use all our energy on trying to remember and rather focus on the details of the movement. She goes around and pokes and prods each of us to help us become better.
She has a way of wording her corrections that helps me understand the movement better.

Don't get me wrong, I love Jilissa.
But a change of perspective is wonderful every once in a while and really helps you grasp what you're doing.

This post isn't very eloquent, but I couldn't not post about Ms. Polly.

Oh, did I mention she's in her 60s, broke her hip in July, and was teaching class a mere months later??
she's so hard core.

I swear I had a good title for this...

I remember thinking of a good title for this as I was trying to fall asleep last night.
Buuuut, I can't remember it anymore.

I almost didn't go to dance yesterday.
I was having a rough day, and really didn't want everything to go bad.
I figured if I didn't go to dance, then I couldn't fail, right?

Well, I went anyway.
After all, it is the one thing that makes me feel alive.
Figured I'd give it a shot.
If I failed, I failed.
I'd just cry my tears, get back up, and try again tomorrow.
(so dramatic.)

Jilissa told us we wouldn't be having advanced class that day.
She's involved in about a million other things, and had a rehearsal last night.
(preceded and followed by other long-houred rehearsals)
This was okay with me.
I wasn't sure if I would have the mental capacity to make it through a class that's technically still out of my league. (I would have sucked it up and done it anyway, and probably loved it, but I was okay with not having to.)

I've really been trying to work harder. I want to get better, stronger, and to do that I have to push myself.
If I'm not shaking at the end of class, I didn't push hard enough.
I'm trying to carry it through to home, too.
I want to do everything in my power to get better.
I was excited when we got to pointe class and she was having us do things I was really wanting to work on.
Okay, truth be told, I was terrified at first.
But I knew the girls next to me weren't feeling very confident either, so I gave them a fist bump and said, "we got this." They gave me a confident nod, and we pressed on.
Wouldn't you know it, we were able to get through the complicated, challenge our endurance, and surprise ourselves.

When we went across the floor, the first thing she wanted us to do in the combination was pirouettes from forth.
Not gonna lie, I was scared.
I haven't been able to successfully do these.
And by that, I mean, I haven't been able to even get around, let alone do them correctly.
I psyched myself up, and just went for it.
I didn't do it technically correct, but I did get around.
I didn't freak out, and was able to go through the motions, to help my brain process what my feet should be doing. The first step to improvement.
I was able to do the arabesque and pique develope devant, which is what I was doing when I ate it a couple weeks ago.

I was pretty excited when she said we were going to do pique turns next.
I've been wanting to work on these so much.
I tend to bend my knee, forget to plie enough, and dip my shoulder during the turn.
"Two pique turns, and two lame ducks. That's it."
...That's it? That's it?
Lame ducks. Another demise. Can my brain process that on pointe?
Oh well, here goes nothing.

At first, my knee was bending.
I was getting frustrated with myself, that is not acceptable.
Then, for some reason, everything clicked.
Knee straight, plie, spot, shoulders square.
I did it!
I even made it into the lame ducks successfully!
Jilissa saw it and said, "Good, Emilee!"
(Ps. That is like, the best thing a teacher can do to a dance. Next to using you as an example.The latter is rather rare.)
I made some comment mindlessly, since I'm awkward with compliments. I cringed at myself, but was so proud at the same time.
I'm getting it.

Now the left side.
I did it once, I can do it again, right? After all, left is my better side oddly enough.
So there I go, knee straigh, plie, spot, shoulders square.
Pique, pique, lame duck, lame duck, Pique...
"Good, Emilee!! That's it!!"
I had to break the pattern there as I almost ran into someone else, but in that I caught Jilissa's face.
It was an expression of accomplishment. One that said her words were intentional. That they were meant.
I smiled huge, and managed to contain my excitement. But when I got to the other side, Kali was there with a giant grin and a high five. She understood my excitement. :)

GUYS, THAT NEVER HAPPENS.
COMPLIMENTS ARE RARE.
I'M FREAKIN OUT OVER HERE!!

Needless to say, yesterday was a great day for dance, and I'm so glad that I went.
I felt good, I got compliments on pointe, and really seem to be getting somewhere.
Granted, I couldn't do all the bourrees since I killed my toes on the turns, but I was able to keep up in what I did. Another first.

Now I can't wait to get the old storage building thing cleaned up so I can have a place to practice.
Until then, I'll keep doing what I can.

Work for what you want.

Yesterday I seemed to be struck with a new dose of determination.
I don't know where it came from,
I'm not sure what brought it on,
But I would be okay if this became a new normal.

My legs felt like jelly in a way I can't remember feeling in a long time. I wish I could do this every day so I could get better that much quicker. But, I am grateful for what I do have. I know all too well that all of this can be on hold in the blink of an eye.
I did everything I could to not stop in the middle of a rep. I wanted to push myself and actually do the whole thing.
No room for quitting.
And wouldn't you know it, I did. I was able to push through and do all of each of the things I set out for.
By the time we got to pointe, my legs were wobbly beyond reason. But I refused to let it stop me.
If I use the excuse I have now, when will I get better? Will I ever? How much longer will improvement take?

So I pushed through. I did the releves, I did the bourees, I did every single one of them. And if I did have to stop for this reason or that, I didn't quit. I stopped long enough to put my shoe back on after it slipped and got right back to it. Even if it hurt.

I watched my technique in the mirror. I tried to make improvements as I went, tried to make sure I was doing the best I knew how and retrain myself in areas I faltered.
I know these moves. Now I need to clean them up.

Now, there were things that I'm behind on and just can't do. So, I didn't risk it. I was a little disappointed in myself at first, I wanted to try it at least... But, then, I realized that I was the only one of us new pointers still in my pointe shoes. Everyone else had taken theirs off or just didn't put them on for whatever reason.
I just did what I was able to do. Everyone else was doing pique turns with a pique move I can't remember the name to (where you pick up both legs--one at a time--as you turn) and I know I'm still trying to get my pique turns down. So, I just did pique turns. I worked on those. I could have gone to the barre and done the whole combination, but I didn't want to cheat of of the piques I've wanted to work on for so long.

It took me a little longer than everyone else, but I didn't want to stop halfway, ya know? I wanted to get better. Jilissa pointed out different things to work on as I went, which I was so grateful for. I really want to get these down. I want to get better. I want to be able to do this. And I know each thing I learn will in turn help the new things I have yet to master.

As I got across to the left side, McKenna said to me, "Remember when you were too afraid to go across the floor at all?" I was thinking she meant starting pointe, but she meant in the beginning.
I remember those breakdowns. I remember those stark moments of paralyzing fear. I remember her kindness in pulling me out of the corner to help me out and meeting me where I was in my knowledge.
I remember.

And now look at where I am.
Going across the floor confidently on pointe shoes, even if I knew I couldn't do the move fully. Even if I knew I was behind.
Being behind is irrelevant, as long as you keep going.
You have to have the confidence in yourself to know that as long as you keep trying you're gonna get there.
If I would have given up back then, I never would have made it here.
If I never would have began, I'd still be living in regret.

Instead, I'm moving in the direction of my dreams, getting a little closer each time I tie those ribbons.

My friend Sarah said something in the hallway before class. She told us how she was turning over a new leaf, that she was going to make a point to practice every day. Because she wanted to get better. She said she was a picture of a beautiful dancer with her leg up by her face that said something to the effect of, "Don't wish you could be her, work to be like her."
This should be the mantra for all of us.

Work for what you want
Don't give up, you'll get there.

Another injury

That's right, another injury.
Apparently during the holiday showcase, I stepped funny (I'm assuming do to the blisters) and sprained my foot.
I didn't see a doctor about it until this past Monday, hoping it would just pass and be fine.
I talked to a doctor at my parents church who said it seemed I shifted a bone out of place.
Yeah, imagine me, in the back row of church, in a dress, with her pulling on my foot to make sure it was back in place.
So I settled on that for a while, druggin' up on ibuprofen to keep the swelling down.
Two weeks later and it was still hurting, so I decided to see if I needed xrays to make sure nothing more was wrong with it.
Nope. Just a freakin' grade 2-grade 3 foot sprain. Have to take it easy for a few more weeks.
So, no pointe.
again.
Hopefully just two more weeks. The doctor said to wait until it feels better (which it is already improving) and warned to not start back too soon or I could risk permanent damage.
Quite the chatty fellow. He proceeded to tell me--through laughter--how silly it is to not wait out an injury, because it would just cause  more time I'd have to be away later and possibly end my career.
He also made an interesting comment on how it doesn't matter if you're a beginner, in high school, experienced, professional--whatever. The risk is still the same all throughout.
"One you start football, no matter the level, you're a football player. Once you start ballet, no matter if you're just doing it recreationally or not, you're a ballerina."

I'm a ballerina.
I'm a ballerina.

This struck me.
I guess I always hesitated to label myself as such, seeing that I've only just completed my second year of (real) ballet and have so much in front of me to go. Maybe it's because when you're my age and say you're a ballerina, people expect you to be hard core or--at least--tiny. But I still have much to learn and so much to improve on. I'm barely on pointe and even when I am, it seems a struggle to get to do anything without someone having to sit out.
I really don't want to lose any of the muscle I've built up.
I want to be able to improve on it and work hard.
But for now, I have to wait.

No matter, I'll do what I can do.
I'll work on flexibility and abs. That doesn't require my foot.
And what do you know,
I GOT MY RIGHT SIDE SPLIT!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, at 25 years old, I have finally reached a goal of being able to do a split.
I went down into the right side split and was able to lift my hands and stay there. Almost have it on my left side, too, and center is getting better and better.
It was just a surprising little reminder that progress is happening.

Defeat is only defeat when you give up on trying.

I refuse to be defeated.