We had a sub for last night's ballet class.
She's my favorite, and I haven't had her in a while.

Some of the other girls laugh at her, because she's so eccentric. She gets into the roll every time she dances, even just in practice.

I, personally, think she is wonderful.
She keeps it light-hearted. She knows where we're coming from.
She also keeps the combinations simple for the sake of technique. She'd rather us not have to use all our energy on trying to remember and rather focus on the details of the movement. She goes around and pokes and prods each of us to help us become better.
She has a way of wording her corrections that helps me understand the movement better.

Don't get me wrong, I love Jilissa.
But a change of perspective is wonderful every once in a while and really helps you grasp what you're doing.

This post isn't very eloquent, but I couldn't not post about Ms. Polly.

Oh, did I mention she's in her 60s, broke her hip in July, and was teaching class a mere months later??
she's so hard core.

I swear I had a good title for this...

I remember thinking of a good title for this as I was trying to fall asleep last night.
Buuuut, I can't remember it anymore.

I almost didn't go to dance yesterday.
I was having a rough day, and really didn't want everything to go bad.
I figured if I didn't go to dance, then I couldn't fail, right?

Well, I went anyway.
After all, it is the one thing that makes me feel alive.
Figured I'd give it a shot.
If I failed, I failed.
I'd just cry my tears, get back up, and try again tomorrow.
(so dramatic.)

Jilissa told us we wouldn't be having advanced class that day.
She's involved in about a million other things, and had a rehearsal last night.
(preceded and followed by other long-houred rehearsals)
This was okay with me.
I wasn't sure if I would have the mental capacity to make it through a class that's technically still out of my league. (I would have sucked it up and done it anyway, and probably loved it, but I was okay with not having to.)

I've really been trying to work harder. I want to get better, stronger, and to do that I have to push myself.
If I'm not shaking at the end of class, I didn't push hard enough.
I'm trying to carry it through to home, too.
I want to do everything in my power to get better.
I was excited when we got to pointe class and she was having us do things I was really wanting to work on.
Okay, truth be told, I was terrified at first.
But I knew the girls next to me weren't feeling very confident either, so I gave them a fist bump and said, "we got this." They gave me a confident nod, and we pressed on.
Wouldn't you know it, we were able to get through the complicated, challenge our endurance, and surprise ourselves.

When we went across the floor, the first thing she wanted us to do in the combination was pirouettes from forth.
Not gonna lie, I was scared.
I haven't been able to successfully do these.
And by that, I mean, I haven't been able to even get around, let alone do them correctly.
I psyched myself up, and just went for it.
I didn't do it technically correct, but I did get around.
I didn't freak out, and was able to go through the motions, to help my brain process what my feet should be doing. The first step to improvement.
I was able to do the arabesque and pique develope devant, which is what I was doing when I ate it a couple weeks ago.

I was pretty excited when she said we were going to do pique turns next.
I've been wanting to work on these so much.
I tend to bend my knee, forget to plie enough, and dip my shoulder during the turn.
"Two pique turns, and two lame ducks. That's it."
...That's it? That's it?
Lame ducks. Another demise. Can my brain process that on pointe?
Oh well, here goes nothing.

At first, my knee was bending.
I was getting frustrated with myself, that is not acceptable.
Then, for some reason, everything clicked.
Knee straight, plie, spot, shoulders square.
I did it!
I even made it into the lame ducks successfully!
Jilissa saw it and said, "Good, Emilee!"
(Ps. That is like, the best thing a teacher can do to a dance. Next to using you as an example.The latter is rather rare.)
I made some comment mindlessly, since I'm awkward with compliments. I cringed at myself, but was so proud at the same time.
I'm getting it.

Now the left side.
I did it once, I can do it again, right? After all, left is my better side oddly enough.
So there I go, knee straigh, plie, spot, shoulders square.
Pique, pique, lame duck, lame duck, Pique...
"Good, Emilee!! That's it!!"
I had to break the pattern there as I almost ran into someone else, but in that I caught Jilissa's face.
It was an expression of accomplishment. One that said her words were intentional. That they were meant.
I smiled huge, and managed to contain my excitement. But when I got to the other side, Kali was there with a giant grin and a high five. She understood my excitement. :)

GUYS, THAT NEVER HAPPENS.
COMPLIMENTS ARE RARE.
I'M FREAKIN OUT OVER HERE!!

Needless to say, yesterday was a great day for dance, and I'm so glad that I went.
I felt good, I got compliments on pointe, and really seem to be getting somewhere.
Granted, I couldn't do all the bourrees since I killed my toes on the turns, but I was able to keep up in what I did. Another first.

Now I can't wait to get the old storage building thing cleaned up so I can have a place to practice.
Until then, I'll keep doing what I can.

Work for what you want.

Yesterday I seemed to be struck with a new dose of determination.
I don't know where it came from,
I'm not sure what brought it on,
But I would be okay if this became a new normal.

My legs felt like jelly in a way I can't remember feeling in a long time. I wish I could do this every day so I could get better that much quicker. But, I am grateful for what I do have. I know all too well that all of this can be on hold in the blink of an eye.
I did everything I could to not stop in the middle of a rep. I wanted to push myself and actually do the whole thing.
No room for quitting.
And wouldn't you know it, I did. I was able to push through and do all of each of the things I set out for.
By the time we got to pointe, my legs were wobbly beyond reason. But I refused to let it stop me.
If I use the excuse I have now, when will I get better? Will I ever? How much longer will improvement take?

So I pushed through. I did the releves, I did the bourees, I did every single one of them. And if I did have to stop for this reason or that, I didn't quit. I stopped long enough to put my shoe back on after it slipped and got right back to it. Even if it hurt.

I watched my technique in the mirror. I tried to make improvements as I went, tried to make sure I was doing the best I knew how and retrain myself in areas I faltered.
I know these moves. Now I need to clean them up.

Now, there were things that I'm behind on and just can't do. So, I didn't risk it. I was a little disappointed in myself at first, I wanted to try it at least... But, then, I realized that I was the only one of us new pointers still in my pointe shoes. Everyone else had taken theirs off or just didn't put them on for whatever reason.
I just did what I was able to do. Everyone else was doing pique turns with a pique move I can't remember the name to (where you pick up both legs--one at a time--as you turn) and I know I'm still trying to get my pique turns down. So, I just did pique turns. I worked on those. I could have gone to the barre and done the whole combination, but I didn't want to cheat of of the piques I've wanted to work on for so long.

It took me a little longer than everyone else, but I didn't want to stop halfway, ya know? I wanted to get better. Jilissa pointed out different things to work on as I went, which I was so grateful for. I really want to get these down. I want to get better. I want to be able to do this. And I know each thing I learn will in turn help the new things I have yet to master.

As I got across to the left side, McKenna said to me, "Remember when you were too afraid to go across the floor at all?" I was thinking she meant starting pointe, but she meant in the beginning.
I remember those breakdowns. I remember those stark moments of paralyzing fear. I remember her kindness in pulling me out of the corner to help me out and meeting me where I was in my knowledge.
I remember.

And now look at where I am.
Going across the floor confidently on pointe shoes, even if I knew I couldn't do the move fully. Even if I knew I was behind.
Being behind is irrelevant, as long as you keep going.
You have to have the confidence in yourself to know that as long as you keep trying you're gonna get there.
If I would have given up back then, I never would have made it here.
If I never would have began, I'd still be living in regret.

Instead, I'm moving in the direction of my dreams, getting a little closer each time I tie those ribbons.

My friend Sarah said something in the hallway before class. She told us how she was turning over a new leaf, that she was going to make a point to practice every day. Because she wanted to get better. She said she was a picture of a beautiful dancer with her leg up by her face that said something to the effect of, "Don't wish you could be her, work to be like her."
This should be the mantra for all of us.

Work for what you want
Don't give up, you'll get there.

Another injury

That's right, another injury.
Apparently during the holiday showcase, I stepped funny (I'm assuming do to the blisters) and sprained my foot.
I didn't see a doctor about it until this past Monday, hoping it would just pass and be fine.
I talked to a doctor at my parents church who said it seemed I shifted a bone out of place.
Yeah, imagine me, in the back row of church, in a dress, with her pulling on my foot to make sure it was back in place.
So I settled on that for a while, druggin' up on ibuprofen to keep the swelling down.
Two weeks later and it was still hurting, so I decided to see if I needed xrays to make sure nothing more was wrong with it.
Nope. Just a freakin' grade 2-grade 3 foot sprain. Have to take it easy for a few more weeks.
So, no pointe.
again.
Hopefully just two more weeks. The doctor said to wait until it feels better (which it is already improving) and warned to not start back too soon or I could risk permanent damage.
Quite the chatty fellow. He proceeded to tell me--through laughter--how silly it is to not wait out an injury, because it would just cause  more time I'd have to be away later and possibly end my career.
He also made an interesting comment on how it doesn't matter if you're a beginner, in high school, experienced, professional--whatever. The risk is still the same all throughout.
"One you start football, no matter the level, you're a football player. Once you start ballet, no matter if you're just doing it recreationally or not, you're a ballerina."

I'm a ballerina.
I'm a ballerina.

This struck me.
I guess I always hesitated to label myself as such, seeing that I've only just completed my second year of (real) ballet and have so much in front of me to go. Maybe it's because when you're my age and say you're a ballerina, people expect you to be hard core or--at least--tiny. But I still have much to learn and so much to improve on. I'm barely on pointe and even when I am, it seems a struggle to get to do anything without someone having to sit out.
I really don't want to lose any of the muscle I've built up.
I want to be able to improve on it and work hard.
But for now, I have to wait.

No matter, I'll do what I can do.
I'll work on flexibility and abs. That doesn't require my foot.
And what do you know,
I GOT MY RIGHT SIDE SPLIT!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, at 25 years old, I have finally reached a goal of being able to do a split.
I went down into the right side split and was able to lift my hands and stay there. Almost have it on my left side, too, and center is getting better and better.
It was just a surprising little reminder that progress is happening.

Defeat is only defeat when you give up on trying.

I refuse to be defeated.

My first fall.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it happened.
I had my first fall from pointe.

It happened during floor work. I'm behind everyone else as it is, but I'm doing the best I can. Thank God my teacher is really understanding and doesn't make me feel pressured or rushed. Better to do it right.
We were going from the left side doing a pique to front attitude. I don't even know how it happened but I ended up on my butt.
My reaction?
I burst into laughter.
After the fact, I always laugh at myself in how I'm disappointed no one is laughing with me. But, they're my friends. And I just fell off my pointe shoe. Why would they laugh? Duh, Emilee. I guess laughing is my automatic response.
I got right back up after laughing and tried it again. I didn't even think about being afraid until I noticed Jilissa's concern and direct attention to my next move. This is when I became surprised in myself.
I'm always afraid. I'm always concerned. I always feel things deeply and take them to heart and take a while to shake them. But this time, I just got right back up and kept going.
I guess I'm finally growing up, eh?
When I noticed, I was grateful for Jilissa's careful concern. It made me feel like trying again was safe; and it was. I always thought my left was my stronger side, but I guess on pointe it's my right. She even complimented my roll down off pointe on the right side. The car wreck affected my left leg, but in turn I had more issues on my right. I guess with putting all the pressure and over-hyper extending it while over compensating for the injury to the left, it ended up affecting the right more. The right is the one I had to go to physical therapy for.
Well. I guess it worked.

I want to work harder. I want to improve. I want to become stronger and more stable and perfect the craft. And then I want to learn more and perfect that.
I want to dance as often as I can for as long as I can.
Life is to short to sit it out.

Where I'm supposed to be.

Sometimes I don't even realize I've gone so long without writing.

Recently I had been having issues with my darn pointe shoes. I mean, I know they're supposed to hurt, but should they bring me to tears during class? I mean. I don't cry. It takes a lot for that to happen. But these shoes managed it.
After a long battle, I have finally gotten to where they're supposed to be; just the right amount of pain. This is the stuff I can endure. This is the stuff that I can battle through and see the results of my labor.
I'm still behind everyone else, but that's okay.
I'm also 25, I had an organ removed two months ago, not to mention all the other health issues plaguing me.
I don't want to make excuses, but I gotta accept reality at times. It is what it is.

Let me tell ya, it feels good to finally be able to do pointe like I'm supposed to be. To be able to fight the fight. To be able to work hard and succeed.
I have a long way to go, but I'll get there.

Keep Fighting

Part of the journey is being confronted with a certain, extremely high, brick wall.
You have two choices when you reach it:

1. Run.
   You can turn around and never look back. Give up and say it's too hard. You made it that far, that's something to speak of, right?
2. Or, you can climb it.

Say you pick number 2. You begin your ascension, gripping the next brick you can reach and doing all you can to pull yourself up. But some of the bricks aren't stable. These bricks usually begin as thoughts. "You can't do this." "Who are you kidding?" "Look at yourself. You're nothing like you're supposed to be." "You can't do this. It's too hard. You're too old. Just give up. It's too late to start this, now." "Everyone else is excelling so much quicker than you are. Why even try?" "You're never going to make it." "ooo, that's uncomfortable, better not do that."

Newsflash: If it was comfortable, everyone would be doing it.

This road we're on, it isn't easy. We're gonna face these bricks that try and hit us in the face and make us give up. Don't let them.  If you do, you'll also find the bricks of regret. 

Keep pressing forward. 

You got this. You can do this. It may take longer, but it'll be worth it.

Fight for what your heart is telling you.

It's worth it.

It turns out, I didn't rip my pointe shoes off and throw them out the window. Sure, I fought tears the entire class and slipped a few not-so-good words, but I didn't walk out. I didn't give up. I may have been weak this class--for whatever reason--but I didn't give up.

I can identify this weakness, address it, and work harder next class.

I'm too determined to quit. 

In fact, I would think quitting would be more painful than enduring.

Keep Fighting.