Feast of Sharing

Now that I've officially embarked on eating my weight in junk food--which is totally logical since we don't have class for a few weeks--I figured I'd take a second to give y'all an update.

Today we had a promotional event called Feast of Sharing. It's an annual event here locally put on by H.E.B., a grocery store chain pretty big in Texas, every Christmas Eve to provide a holiday dinner to anyone in the community. They make it a huge event with arts and crafts, kids zone, and performances by locals. It's not just in our area; HEB hosts this event all over the state. Members of the company go and do a few parts of Nutcracker. I've never gone before, but went this year. It was a lot of fun! We actually had a good amount of dancers able to make it, so the whole thing worked out pretty slick!

(once again, they aren't rotating...)

Jennifer and I did the flowers part of finale, and we had the perfect amount of each bit that was represented, and it used the perfect amount of finale music. 

While we were waiting, I asked Annika to show me a few things I didn't know but am fairly certain will come up in auditions. I obviously don't have it perfectly, but I have the idea of it, so I can work on it more so that I don't freeze up if and when it comes up. I want to practice as much as I can so that way I can do the best audition I've done, instead of just kind of putsing through it. I want to actually leave an audition and feel good about it. 

There was a day I was in the small studio with Andie on a Tuesday working on doubles. She watched and explained what I needed to work on to help me have proper alignment to get my turns more solid so I can move on to multiples more than just accidentally. There was one turn I did that was supposed to be a double, but it was so bombed I laughed before I even finished bombing it. 

But, then I realized that what was laughable to me now would have been a huge accomplishment to me not too long ago. And that's what I need to remember; progress is happening. If I keep working hard, progress will keep happening. I can't let myself get discouraged. I need to remind myself that it takes time, and that I need to keep working hard to see anything happen. 

Mom asked me how long I'm going to keep dancing. Innocent enough question, I guess. And honestly, if she's not in the ballet world, I really can't expect her to understand what kind of question that is. That this isn't just some whim, but a lifestyle. This is part of who I am. It's in the core of who I am. 

I love ballet. I love dance. I love movement. I love expression. I love doing something to make someone feel something. And seeing the faces of the people today as we danced reminded me of why I really love this; of what inside me begged me to dance. To face my fears and the doubts of those around me. 

So, that's all. Just some thoughts.

The final bow of Nutcracker 2015

Sunday marked our final show of The Nutcracker for our 2015 season.

Cue tears.

For some reason, after Saturday's show, I felt so good about going into Sunday. I didn't know why, but my confidence was soaring. I guess maybe I finally felt confident in what I was doing--possibly because I had done it before already?--or maybe it was because it was the last show. I don't know.

At warm up, the day started off well when I saw my favorite teacher, Ms. Lori. She moved to Austin and teaches up there, but came down to see us on Saturday and Sunday. She is so freaking wonderful; the type of person you can hope to be. She really teaches in a way where you learn something every class, and meets you where you are but doesn't leave you there. You're better after being with her.

Warm-up also started off really well, particularly due to the freaking awesome Rat Queen/Maid presents a la Andie.

We all wore them during warm-up, and Jessica and I proceeded to zoom around like we were superman.

It was so much fun, and really helped me to keep up my moral, and not give up from feeling sick.

(Why is that so common on show days?)

Julie did our warm-up, which included a really good stretch. Mariela and the fellow Insteppers and I know it as the Joffrey Stretch, but they call it something else. As we did it, (bring the leg up to passe, grab the heel and extend out, bring it out to second and get a good stretch) a few girls at the barre next to me all freaked out at the same time over how high my leg was. It was really funny. Their eyes got really big and they said things like, "Dang, Emilee!" I didn't really realize how high it was until they commented. It felt so good, and really shocked me, because it was really high.

Later, we did grand battements in center, and again my leg decided that was the day to go super high. I was able to maintain control and turn out while doing this as well. It felt really good.

Turns sucked, but I laughed about it. Jetes were really fun since we were wearing capes; it made us look like we were flying.

I got ready for the show and came downstairs with my camera, as usual. Jessica and I had our capes on to get pictures in costume (see above.) Ms. Munro saw us and asked me, "Are you wearing that on stage?"

I looked at her, because she didn't say it like, "You're not wearing that on stage, are you?" But rather like someone had a really good suggestion and we just hadn't told her yet or something. I looked at her and asked, "I mean, can I?" She commented on how cute it was and said she thought it would be great and, "Let's ask Alex!" Mrs. Alex came over and Ms. Munro asked her, to which she said, "I think it's cute, and it goes with the costume. I don't see why not!" 

I GOT TO WEAR THE CAPE.

Now I felt really empowered. Like a security blanket of sorts. No matter what happened on stage, I was wearing a cape and therefore immune to disaster. 

Jessica helped me pin it so it wouldn't fall off in partnering, just in case, but we had to pin it over the Rat head. This made things a bit tight, but it worked. The partnering bit went alright, I probably could have been a bit more solid, but Sean is a rockstar and makes me look so good. 

My shoe came off in the jetes again, but my ribbons were tied well (thanks Elizabeth) so the shoe just came off the heel and stayed on enough to get through. 

(Lillian got these gems of the incident.)

(Thanks Lillian :) )

I didn't forget anything, and was even able to grab the cannon ball, which I heard Ms. Munro praise from the wings. This made me feel really good and like I actually succeeded in the role, rather than just merely getting by. 

When we finished, Ms. Munro commented on how good the cape looked on stage. I said, "it made me feel like I could fly in my jetes!" To which she responded, "You did fly!" 

My eyes went something like this O.O

My mind is blown. I never expected her to say that. ahh!!

After the scene ended, we stayed in costume to get pictures with my sweet mouse, Addison, and my rat family

Colin had to go to the bathroom, so he missed the family portrait.

It's funny how you can tell which rat is which, even with heads on.

Addison was the mouse we picked up and carried. She is an absolute sweetheart!

It was really difficult coming off stage and not being able to take the head off and breathe. Remember, the cape was safety pinned over the head, so I had to keep myself from panicking at the fact I couldn't get air. Greyson saved me, though, after a few minutes. All was well.

(definitely worth it.)

The rest of the show went smoothly, except it seemed to be the day everyone slipped. A Chinese, our Sugar Plum, even Clara, mostly in the the same spot on the stage. They recovered extremely well, though, and no one remembered it even happened. Signs of a true professional.

Flowers went well, also. I was able to get nail the corrections I had been given, and Isabel and I got the timing right on the finale, so I felt really successful overall.

(I can't remember how to get this to rotate, but my sister took it from the audience :D )

I don't know exactly what it was about this season, but now that it's over, my heart feels so extremely full from having lived it.

I wouldn't have expected this in the beginning, seeing how there seemed to be more drama than usual and everyone kept getting sick and hurt. But it turned out to be one of my absolute favorite memories.

It's probably due largely to the people.

I have realized, now more than ever, that I have such wonderful, incredible people in my life.

Those that encourage me, celebrate with me, listen to me vent. Those that are kind and loving and fun. They make this experience something I cherish. Without them, it would just be us going through the motions.

Dance friends really are the best friends, and basking in this after show glow is my favorite thing right now. My fellow dancers are what make this what it is. From the youngest cherub to the oldest company member, I couldn't be more grateful. 

It's also heart warming to have friends who support you and come to watch. 

I wish I could express what it means, but words fail me.

My heart is so full.

Now, friendship isn't about gifts, but I did receive some from cherished friends that really hit my heart. Every single one of them means more to me than I could ever say. They really didn't have to do that, yet they took the time out to think of me and choose to do something for me to make me feel special. And it did. It really did.

What a wonderful season of memories, growth, and hard work.

Until next year!

Nutcracker Orchestra Night One

Yesterday was our Orchestra rehearsal and first performance.

It takes some getting used to, having the live orchestra. Some parts end up super slower than you're used to, and some end up super fast.

There's something magical about having the orchestra; these two expressive art forms coming together to make a production. It gives you goose bumps.

Rehearsal was sort of rough for me, personally.
The night before was wonderful, but then ended the complete opposite. I was very conflicted--coming off this wonderful high of good friends and memories, then snow balling into this complex mess. I tried to just let it roll off, but it struck a cord and more emotions than I realized I had suppressed all surfaced, leaving me to figure out how to come out of it all and try and sort it.
I tried my best to keep going, but was only semi-successful.
Thankfully, I have wonderful friends that will just let me be and treat me normally until I am normal again, as I saw at the beginning of rehearsal. When I felt the panic rise up in the middle of rehearsal and I couldn't find the presence of mind to get through the combination, no one asked questions or looked at me too funny. When I couldn't keep it down anymore and found myself actually feeling all the things I was trying to avoid, I had people there who love me and would just support me, even if I was being super vague. They were so kind and caring and genuine. These are top notch people.


We rehearsed the Sunday show with the orchestra, which meant I did Rat Queen. As soon as I put on the head and was "alone"--safe behind this mask where no one knew what my face was doing--I broke and sobs were unavoidable. I managed to pull it together to dance, but almost missed my cue with my brain all spacey. I felt terrible, because I made it complicated to partner, but Sean pulled through, supported me, and actually made it look to where no one noticed I almost fell. He's the greatest partner I could have ever asked for.
My shoe fell off again in the jete's, but that's okay.

There was a moment when we were on stage for Flowers that I could see out into the audience. There was a little girl I couldn't recognize watching the Dew Drop Fairy and trying to imitate her movements. Twirling and pointing her foot and swaying, my heart melted. This is why we dance. To make the people feel something that begs them to dance, too.

I wasn't able to eat enough to avoid getting sick, but thankfully I'm not snow so I was able to run off in enough time while they were rehearsing to get my costume off before I got sick. Victory.

I hung out with Melanie and her sister in the time in between. It was really fun. Low key, calm--my favorite kind. We got back fairly early for show warm up, which was good.

Mrs. Jane stopped me as I walked through the green room.
She gave me a little red box, which I knew upon seeing it what was in it and it took everything in me not to ugly cry.

She made me an ornament to look like the Rat Queen, complete with Rat head. 

I had posted a request, half jockingly, for a Rat Queen ornament, expecting to pay for it but not really because I didn't know if she would have time to even think about making one. When everyone who ordered their ornaments got one and I hadn't, I figured she wasn't able to do it. It's impossible to find Rat Queen nutcracker things, because most shows don't have a Queen, just the King. Plus I got a Chinese one last year, so I wanted to keep the tradition. It meant so much to me that she took the time out to think of me and make me this.

Now, I know I'm not the only one she did this for, but she didn't have to do it for me. It was so very timely and meant the world. I managed to keep the tears from falling while in front of her--with much jumping and distracted humming and laughing--but wasn't so lucky when I opened it in the dressing room and actually saw it. I love and respect Mrs. Jane so very much, I don't even have words for it. To have her think of me means more than words can say.

That really helped me shake the funk. 

The show went really well. Annika is an insanely talented dancer and person and completely shined out there. To say I'm proud is an understatement. 

(there are more pictures, but my phone is currently being really complex. I want to throw it out the window.

I also technically met Margot Fonteyn's niece last night. She actually asked me to be in a picture with her, though it was more of a right-place-right-time sort of thing. Someone from her family married into someone from Margot Fonteyn's family, and she told us a few stories about how surreal that was. She also danced in San Francisco, which is pretty cool, and now she's a News Anchor. Life is a funny thing. 

My heart was so warm after the show, being with my friends all doing something we love so much. I don't know what was different about last night to make me feel this way, but it was really strong this time. 

Ironically, I found myself feeling later that I'm just subpar. That I just seem to barely miss the mark to be where I want to be, and always a year behind. I try not to think about it, or let it get to me, but it's there. And I know I'll keep growing as long as I'm able to dance, but it just kinda stings a bit. 

This is how it's been most of my life. I was great at theatre as a kid, but didn't have the connections to be put into anything when I got into public school like the other kids. Instead, I was the "responsible one" so I wouldn't get cast in the plays so I could assist the director. Which is cool, but sucks. Sometimes it happens in dance since I'm the one that's good with kids. Like. Okay, cool. And I love them. But still. But honestly, I don't know if my dancing is enough to move past that anyway. I'm not really anyone that stands out. I hardly blend in. And I'm grateful to be dancing, and sometimes it is a huge fight with all the opposition I have and my new job makes me terrified that I won't be able to dance as much, but I still try. I do what I can. I just wish I could do more. I wish I didn't have to sit out so much because of things I can't control. I wish I could properly learn these moves expected of me so I could do them, even though it seems the other girls can bs their way through and figure it out on their own. I don't know that I'll get to be a swan. And that makes me really sad. But I have to accept the reality; that more than likely I'll just miss the mark. 

In the midst of feeling this, my friend told me of a really nice thing her boyfriend commented on while watching the show. It made me feel like I'm not foolish to keep pursuing this thing that I love, even though it "doesn't do anything for me" and "won't get me anywhere." I can't make a career out of it, It'll never be the thing that pays the bills. 

The reality of life is kind of upsetting right now, even though I have  a good life. I feel selfish and stupid saying that, but my heart feels like its wings are clipped, and that leaves me feeling empty. I don't want to just be suffocated by life demands. I want to feel alive. I want to really live. 

I'm insanely grateful for the wonderful people I have in my laugh. The ones that make me laugh until I sound like a dying goose; the ones that listen to me when I'm really upset about things I can't control; the ones that comfort me without even realizing how healing it is to me; the ones who love and support me--subpar and all.

This is my family. 

These are the ones that have my heart.

This is what it means to be loved.