Nutcracker 2015, first weekend

We made it through our first weekend of performances.

I did Rat Queen and Petit Fleur on Saturday night and just Petit Fleur on Sunday.
My body decided this would be a super fun time to not like food, so that got really cute really quickly. I somehow managed, though, and made it through.

It was a really fun weekend. I did Rat Queen the best I've ever done it, though I could still improve more. Jessica is so good at it, it's kind of difficult to match it. But I didn't miss anything or fall out of the lift or anything like that, so that was good. I have one more chance to do it, and I'm excited. (two if you count the rehearsal I probably have.)

We had school shows on Friday, which is where I did my messing up. It wasn't that bad, or all that noticeable, so I just kinda roll with it. The kids are great. One of them told me I looked like a clown, which I got a good laugh out of. (In my petit fleur costume, even.) Some of them just came right up and hugged you, which made me a puddle on the floor. It's really cool to see their faces light up.

One of the nights, when we came out to begin finale, you could hear a child somewhere near the front gasp and say, "Look! The flowers!" It definitely made the smile on my face real and made me feel good. Sometimes it can feel pretty monotonous, being a petit fleur. It's nice to be reminded that every role matters from someone who is out in the audience.

The Clara's for this weekend completely rocked the role. I was so proud to watch them and found myself with chills, even after seeing it for the umpteenth time. They worked so hard and completely embodied the role, you couldn't help but feel something.

This year, I haven't really been in the dressing rooms much, which can be kinda lame, or kinda great. It's definitely great. I love getting to see the hard work come to life, and also get to take pictures of and support my friends in their various roles.
There's something about show season that is extra special over the regular dancing season. Classes are great and learning and growing is important, but getting to put on a production with your friends who share the same love as you is something hard to describe. This really is my family; the one I chose for myself. They are there to support me and help me when I need it. They laugh with me and cry with me. They love me, and I obviously love them. Even the difficult members, haha.

We have this one life, and this is part of it. It's not just about accomplishing something, but about all the steps it takes to get there. A story with just a beginning and an end doesn't make for very interesting reading. What makes it great is the middle--the journey. This is that middle part, the dash between the dates of when we're born and when we die. We get to choose how to fill it an how we handle the things that come at us. We are creating now the stories we will tell when we're old and grey, or even just in a few years when we look back on these ballet years. These people are the names we will say to those listening. the ones we'll write about in memoirs. Obviously, not all of them, but the ones that truly matter to us. You never know who someone is going to become. They could be the next Margot Fonteyn or The Beatles for all you know. Or you could be. Who's to say that won't be so? We are living history.

I'm going to be really sad when this show is over, but I'll look forward to the Spring show. I want to take every opportunity to be with and around my dance friends that I can--they make me feel alive. I think the hardest part of this new job is knowing how much of that I'm going to have to sacrifice, and the reality that my body just isn't cooperating like I need it to be. I'm trying not to worry about the future now. I'm not there yet. Who knows what will happen between today and the days ahead?

Here are some pictures from this last weekend's shows and rehearsals.

Lauren, Clara on Saturday night

"foot five" from when I learned how to really tie my shoes.

Abarrane killing it

Eloise, elegant as always

View from the stage

I don't know why this always twists, but oh well. My feet on the left, Abarrane's on the right.

I was given these polaroids and decided to take them entirely of Nutcracker things. They came out really well, I'd say.

This one is of me and Mariela. I love it

Dressing room, featuring Sheridan.

Sleeping Shrub

Abarrane and I

Watching rehearsals. In aw.

Shrub and Lauren!

This was from Katerina's birthday party between school shows and rehearsal. So. Much. Fun.

Dressing room, featuring Adrienne.

Allison as snow backstage

Abarrane

Mariela

Allison, Lauren, and Annika

Lauren and I

Abarrane and Lauren

My sweet Lillian came and got some great pictures backstage. It's so nice to actually be in the pictures for a change!

Ms. Heidi

(Thanks for this one, Shrub)

Maddie

Gabby

Alyssa as Clara from Sunday night

Elizabeth as Snow Queen

Cheyaaaaanne!

Eloise, Elizabeth, me and Abarrane

Adrienne and me

For real though

Emerson had to drop out because of torn ligaments, but was able to be our Nutcracker at the end of the show! We were all so glad to have her!

Mariela and me

Alyssa and me after her Clara night

Alyssa as Clara

Mariela in Spanish

the angels (melt)

Snow

A girl scout troop from Portland got to meet some of us backstage after Sunday's show. They were absolutely adorable, and asked questions about the show and Ms. Munro showed them the stage and how the curtains fly in and out and the lights and everything that goes into making the show. Some asked how old you have to be to dance en pointe and how it even happens and what the shoes do to help. I asked if they wanted to feel the shoes, and explained what they were made out of. They were in awe. As they were leaving, one of the adults asked me if it was easier to get en pointe when you're older or younger. I told her both had their pros and cons. That your feet are stronger when your older, which makes some things easier, but when you're younger, you're fearless. Risk is easier. And you have to be able to take risks. I told them I was twenty-five when I started and they were pretty shocked to hear I was twenty-seven and only danced 4 years. I told them about Annika, and how she has only done ballet for 4 years and she's Clara. It's never too late. You have to want it and be willing to work hard. 

One of the girls takes classes at Munro, and she was thrilled to get to be on the stage and see everything. We turned around to see her dancing and spinning and just losing herself on the stage, having the time of her life.

This is what it's about.

Nutcracker Casting 2015

The day is upon us.
That fateful day when our Assistant Director walks in the door clutching the very thing dreams are made of.
It also happens to be the crusher of dreams.
For me, it's just, "meh."

(Okay, not meh but way less exciting than for the younger girls.)
(Or... so I thought.)

If you have been following along in my ballet story, you will know that there were certain roles that I was hoping for. These were goals I had set out to accomplish, hoping it would give me a leg up for Swan Lake, which is really what I want to accomplish.
I knew going into it that in the hierarchy that is Nutcracker, my next role in line would be Petit Fleur. After that, Lilac, and after that, Rose. Typically, if you're a flower at all, you're also snow. My goal was to pass up Petit Fleur--which is typically more posing than dancing--and go to Lilac. It was a stretch, but the summer felt promising and I was really improving. Ms. Munro has been watching me. I was allowed to take the VI's class, which I wasn't expecting but was very exciting.

The list goes up. I step to the back and let the girls see first. I hear squeals and everyone looks at Annika. She got Clara! We weren't expecting that, since she's so good, so I went forward to see who the Clara's were. And it's a fabulous group of them--really strong dancers that will impress this year. Annika, Lauren, Alyssa, and Maddison. I'm so beyond thrilled for these girls. I feel some of them may have felt they missed their shot last year when the age range for Clara's went down so much, but this year it's their time to shine, and shine they will.

I glanced at the Lilacs. I glanced at the Lilacs continued page.
My name wasn't there.
I looked at Petit Fleur.
Bingo.

My heart sank a little bit.
I think I knew deep down I wouldn't get to skip up, but it was given hope when in Oz I was doing the same roles as one of the girls that level above me, and doing them well, and then also when I was allowed into VI's. Not to mention, everyone telling me I could totally do it. I was sad, but I tried not to show it. I stepped back and waited to look where everyone else ended up.
Emerson came back to me and said she was Petit Fleur and Snow. I was glad to know at least I'm with my girls again. They really make it fun. I asked if she saw my name for Snow, and she said she didn't.
Wait, what? Usually when you're one, you're both? I asked one of the other girls from my class, and she was also both. Why am I not both? I can totally do both. What gives?
Whatever. I'll look at the list when people file out a bit more. Maybe she just didn't see it. It's no big deal. I'll have fun regardless.
At this point, I'm not like, freaking out or anything. I'm not upset or mad or whatever. Just kinda there.
I'm watching all the other girls find out their roles and watching their reactions, which is a welcomed distraction in my waiting.
Then Annika comes up to me and says, "Emilee! You're Rat Queen!"
WHAT.
I just looked at her. I asked, "Are you sure?" and she said, "I mean, pretty sure!"

I find my way to the board and try to find where Rat Queen is listed.
Sure enough, there's my name.
Sharing with Jessica, one of the best dancers in the studio.
(And also someone that has been really inspiring for me. Her work ethic is insane, and I've gotten to watch the results that come from it. It gives me the motivation to work hard, knowing it'll happen for me too in time. I really appreciate having her in class.)
So then I'm freaking out.
That's why I'm not Snow. I'm freakin' Rat Queen!!
I remember last year hearing someone complain about being this role. (why do people always complain about the roles I am?) And I remember sitting in the seats and hearing her and thinking, "Give it to me, if you don't want it. This role is awesome!"
It's an absolute blast.
You have on the giant rat head, and get to be super sassy, and interact with the Rat King and Nutcracker and the other rats and rat princesses and mice and stuff.
Did I mention I get to be sassy?
I'm really excited to get to be sassy.

The more that this set in, the more I was really pleased with my casting.
Especially with what the doctor had told me earlier that day:
We got into discussion about my knees hurting. I told her the whole happenings with the chiropractor and my back and my legs being uneven and showed her the xrays and she asked me questions about it and I answered them. I told her how they told me 3 1/2 years ago that I had arthritis and sent me for physical therapy. She asked if they mentioned my leg being longer then, and I told her no.
She examines my knee. Asked if this and that hurt, which it didn't. She poked here and there, and again no pain. She asked where the pain was, and I told her it shoots under the knee cap. It typically doesn't hurt when it's at rest, but with use and during class when I plie a lot. She looks at the right knee and pokes this one part. "You can see the right knee is swollen. See this? That's fluid."
Oh.
So it's not arthritis, I have fluid on my knee.
She wants to get an MRI and look into it more. I'm glad she is so invested in me and interested in all of the issues instead of just surface or what I tell her. She investigates, and she cares that I get better.

So, no. I'm not Lilac. I'm not even Snow. But the roles I have will be really good for my knee (Even though Petit Fluer is a lot of kneeling) and will help, I think.
And that doesn't mean that I'm out of the running for Swan Lake.
I'm also not guaranteed. And I think my knee will be a big deciding factor.
I asked Mrs. Alex if she thought it would be more the older girls or if I had a shot, and she said it's very uncertain right now.
Time will tell.
Meanwhile, I'll work my hardest, do my best, and take it as it comes. If it doesn't happen, I just have to accept it. This can be difficult as my entire life seems to have been  a constant battle of barely missing the mark and having to be happy for my friends as I watch them enjoy what I can't have--for whatever reason. There's been times it's been wrongful exclusion from politics. This isn't that. But it's still rough. I felt it last year, I feel it now, but it's okay. Now I just take a moment I need to grieve the fact I missed the mark, then I pull myself up and get over it, working my hardest to be the best I can. I also try and make the most of the situation.
What people don't realize is that I'm so inclusive because I've known exclusion my whole life. And the times someone included me was a game changer. People think I must have such a wonderful and perfect history since I'm so nice and kind or whatever, but really it's the opposite. I've known great loss and pain and injustice, so I do the best I can to help others through it. I try to be what I wish I would have had.
There are times when it's just a lesson the person needs to learn, and that's fine. But when I can lessen the blow, I try my best to do so. I'm also human and imperfect and will still miss the mark, but I'll give my best effort in what I know and take the lessons as chances to learn and grow.
(I'm not snow, so no snow secret santa for me. But I'm trying to scheme up ways I can still have fun and make someones day in secret. Hehehe)

TL;DR
I'm really excited to be with my girls in Petit Fluer, and really super excited about Rat Queen.
I told my parents, and they were really excited that I get to use my drama skills with this. Like, Dad legitimately sounded excited.
(I really want to prance around in the costume.)
(PLUS I get to hang out with the kids!)
(and this means I'll be able to take pictures of snow again!)
(really I can't lose, y'all.)

SPEAKING OF PICTURES

I stole this from Adrienne's snapchat. She's a Maid and we're pumped about it!

(stolen again)

(and stolen from Annika)

(fun fact, at first I had an excited face when she came up to me with her phone, but she said, "Look dead." so this came of it.)

(perfect.)

(annika again)

The girls waiting anxiously

It's blurry but YO HOME GIRL IS RAT QUEEN

And look! they spell it correctly!

So yes.
And I'm really freakin' excited for Annika. She's Clara, then also Russian and Spanish on nights she's not Clara. So it's new roles for her and really exciting. Plus, I just feel so proud. Like, here's my baby Shrub, and she's mine. And we're from the same studio, and we came here and newbs, and now look at her. And she's Clara. Two years ago, Nutcracker wasn't even a thought. And now she's doing this and all these people are so happy for her and celebrating her and I know how incredibly happy this makes her and it makes me happy. Because she's so talented and it's being utilized and she just keeps rising and my heart can't take all the love! I fear I may burst!

Happy days :)

OH!!!!!
And Abarrane is a Mirliton!!!
She wanted this role so badly, and she was feeling pretty crappy at auditions but still managed to rock it anyway. And she got the role and my heart absolutely burst when I heard/saw. I'm so proud of her. She's worked so hard and proven herself and overcome insurmountable odds to do so. I really hope she's in class today so I can hug her.