Fuel the fire

In class yesterday, I noticed that I am now officially the only one not on pointe.
Everyone else has been able to get their pointe shoes and are now beginning to work on learning everything over again on their toes.
At first, it really bothered me. Them? How are they on pointe, and not me? I know I can do more than her!
But, then I thought about it. They probably remember to plie. They probably keep their heels down. They probably remember to spot. Those things Jilissa said I have to do before she'll put me up on pointe. And not because she wants to be mean, or wants to keep me from the one thing I desire so badly. On the contrary. She does this to help me. She knows that it will be easier for me to transition to pointe if I can master these things in ballet shoes first. That it will be less stressful for me.
I know that I can trust Jilissa. I know that she knows better than I do. And even when it seems like everyone else is excelling before me, that everyone is better than me, that this isn't a race. It's not about whose better or whose worse or whatever. It's about us going at our own pace, doing what is best for us. It's hard, too, because some friends of mine have joined dance. And they are liable to be very fast learners. But I can't let that get me down.
I have to remember where I came from. I have to remember that I am different. I have to remember how much I want this. I have to work hard.
I have to let the challenges fuel the fire.

Recital

We've had recital rehearsal the past two days
And I've realized that I want to dance.
Yes, I know, I already dance
But I want to make this one of my main priorities.
I want to be able to make it one of my main priorities.
I love dancing, I love preforming, I love practicing, I love it all.

I don't know how this will happen, but my heart burns for it.

Dancer's High

"When you're here, you don't have to think about anything else but this. For that amount of time, all that matters is what is going on in here. Not anything else"
She's so right.
And that is one of my favorite thing
It's like that studio is the box of security.
That once you step foot in, nothing else matters.
No one can get to you, nothing can hurt you, nothing can upset you.
All that matters is the step you're perfecting and whatever comes next.

The world melts away.

Next level.

My dance teacher said something during a discussion that made my night.
She got us all together at the end and was expressing the importance of us all being there. We need to learn the recital piece, and even for those few of us that are always there, having people missing hurts us all. It holds us back when we have to go back and re-teach.
She was telling us how the 6 year olds are doing better than we are, and how we should be the best dance next to the advanced ballet one. That's when she said it.
"Every single one of you in here are intermediate ballet. No one in here is beginner anymore."
My heart beamed with pride.
I love ballet. I love it so much.
My heart is so full when I dance.
I know summer is going to be intense, and difficult, but I am so excited to get to do it all.

<3 <3 <3

Summer classes

Okay, so this isn't really anything I'm learning, but it is something I'm really excited about!
Jilissa told us today what to expect for the summer classes.
Usually we'll start a little earlier or go a little longer or something that changes it a little bit.

Today she told us we would start at 5:15 instead of 6.
That Beginner/Intermediate will be from 5:15-6:15
Then we'll have a pointe class from 6:15-6:45
Then we'll have advanced from 6:45-8

She then told us,
"I highly recommend you stay for the pointe class. Even if you're not on pointe yet, but you're working towards it. It's going to be a lot of releve's and strengthening exercises. It's going to be really good. And every single one of you in here can stay for the advanced class. I want every single one of you in the advanced class."
wait, all of us? We can all stay?
I can stay for advanced?!

She then went on to tell us that it's going to be a lot of hard work and really going for it this summer. Summer's tend to be a little more intense and really good for challenging and bettering you.
I'm really excited. My goal is to get on pointe by fall, but I know if that doesn't happen, then it'll be okay. I don't want to get on earlier than what I'm ready for. But she was making a lot of eye contact with me, so I know she knows I want this. And the fact that she's changing the classes to do these things that are going to help me so much, I'm PUMPED.

I'm really looking forward to summer :)

My heart belongs in flight.

I got to stay for the advanced class yesterday.
It was the perk of being the only dancer to show up that wasn't advanced.
Only 4 people were in the class.
This never happens.
I think it helped. We were able to focus and really hone in.
I'm clearly not an advanced dancer, but I definitely loved getting to experience it.
To know where my path will hopefully one day go.
To know what I'm working towards.
We got to do partnering, too.
My first time ever.
I can't remember the last time I felt so alive
So free.
I felt like a professional, even though I know well that I am not.
In my mind, I was flawless.
It felt like flying.
It felt like grace.
There, in that moment, nothing else mattered.
Not a thing in the world.
Nothing before, nothing after
Just that moment of weightless grace.

That is where my heart belongs.

I'm so grateful to have had that taste.

Discipline.

I think nowadays, people don't learn what discipline really is.
Most people, that is. Some do.

In class, I find myself challenged a lot. And there's plenty of times I can make excuses.
"I can't do this on the right side because of my knee"
"I feel nauseous, maybe I shouldn't go to class"
"I'm not as good as them, so I'm just gonna keep it low key so they don't see me struggle as I try."
"Um. I can't even say that. It looks like a complicated prance. Maybe I shouldn't try it today."

And I tell myself.
"SHUT UP AND DANCE."

If all I do is make excuses, then I'm never going to get anywhere. I'm never going to reach my goal.
The least I can do is try.
If it hurts, then I know.
If I can't do it now, I can't do it.
If I'm not as good as them, at least I'm on my way.
If I don't feel good, I can always leave when I've had enough.

I'm never going to get anywhere with excuses.

Same with life.
Mine has been all over the place and really inconsistent.

I can make all the excuses in the world.
"I can't eat better until I have my own place."
"I'm not gonna cook, I don't like feeling watched."
"I don't have time"
"I have too much to do."
"I can't do this until *insert excuse here* happens."
And then whine about all the weight I've gained and how nothing has changed.

If I want there to be progress in my life, I have to first start.
I have to do what I can. I have to meet fate halfway.
At least.
I have to do something.
Something is better than nothing.

So I'm stuck in a building I can't leave for 12 straight hours.
I can't go to the gym, I can't go walking, but there are activities I can do here.
I don't have to get fast food because it's easy. I can get premade sandwiches and salads and stuff that's fresh and fairly healthy. Better than grease.

Pointe is, I can stop making excuses and start making progress.

(see what I did there?)