Bailando Pictures!

Here are a few of the pictures I took during the Bailando Dance Festival master classes I wrote about in the previous blog :)

Dancers in Susan Trevino's ballet class.

Dancer's in Alexis Anderson's Lyrical class. (I think.)

Dancers in  Orlando Canova of Ballet Austin's class

Alexis Anderson in Dana Nicolay's ballet class.

I believe this was   Walter Hull's class.

Orlando Canova's class

Dana Nicolay correcting a dancer

Wilgene David's Hip-Hop class.

(Those two in front are from my old studio :) )

I may post some performance pictures later. Not sure when I'll have time since I'm getting home after midnight tonight and leave for Kansas on Wednesday. We'll see if I have time tomorrow. Stay Tuned!

Bailando

This weekend was the annual Bailando Dance Festival at our local University.
My old dance teacher works at the university and helps put it on, so it was kind of like a mini Instep reunion.
Which was so wonderful.

I wasn't able to dance, so I took pictures of the classes and helped Leslie with whatever was needed.
This kind of sucked--having to watch everyone else take all these amazing classes from the sidelines--but then it was also awesome. I was able to sit in on a bit of every single class. If you were in one downstairs, you couldn't be in the one upstairs as well. You don't have a clone. But I was able to go in and out of all of them.
Inadvertently so, I was able to sit in on classes I normally wouldn't have the courage to take; namely modern and contemporary classes.
I love when I have the opportunity to learn from a variety of different teachers. One may see something another may overlook and vise versa. This weekend definitely opened up my mind to dancing as an art.
Here are a few points I learned from a few of the choreographers.

• Never dance with judgement. Only dance for the artistry. (From Alexis Anderson's class)
• Don't. Judge. Yourself. (Also from Alexis.)
• Think of yourself as Mr. Potato Head. Your arms are like sticks and the body is the potato and doesn't move. (Oddly effective from Dana Nicolay's class. #teampotato)
• Strive for progress not perfection. (From Gabriel Speiler of Dance Au Deum.)

There were a million other things I didn't get to write down, as well. Like in the one class from the director of Urban Souls; I was completely inspired by how open the dancers were required to be. There was no "I can't," There was no doubt. There was confidence. And seeing those nervous dancers find their confidence and seeing the improvement made me see that I could do that, too.

I was able to watch and envision myself doing the different moves, to try and pick them apart and think of how I would execute the moves. I was able to find in myself a bit of belief that maybe I could do these things if I tried.
I loved getting to watch the dancer's feet; to see what is correct and what probably feels correct but isn't. I loved watching the port de bras and understanding the placement of the body in all these things.
I also loved getting to take pictures during these classes, helping me remember what looks right and how to do it. It also helps remind me of what I learned and gleaned from this weekend. I apparently really like the word "glean."

(A couple of my favorite moments were when I realized Mel Glouchkova was using the Harry Potter theme song for barre work, and when Randall Flynn was using a Misty Edwards song for contemporary. Did my heart good.)

I found myself on a dance high. I am sad to still have to miss two more of my Thursday classes, but it's a good way to keep me off my ankle to make sure it's 100% when I go back, and it's for good reason.
I just miss dance.
(I still have to sew my shoes. so there's that.)
Also, we had our Nutcracker costume fitting, and it made it feel real.
I was glad to get to be with the other girls all together, I think it'll be fun.

Nutcracker Casting.

I got a snapchat of what I got for Nutcracker.
And I wasn't prepared for it.
And let me tell you, I cried.
And not really a good cry either.
And now that I've had a day to process and think through, I don't really want to write this blog post. But this is part of my story, and I have to tell this part to get to the next; just like I had to live through this part to get to the next.
So, hear me out.
I got the snap chat, with my name horribly misspelled--which I'm used to by now--and found out that I got Chinese.
Which isn't bad, I guess.
But I sure had hopes that I'd at least be petit fleurs. Something with a tutu.
I have heard so many people complain about Chinese.
I've only seen The Nutcracker twice, so I'm still kinda rusty on which rolls are which, but I knew what Chinese was and where it was because the first time I saw The Nutcracker, my friend Addie was Chinese.
She seemed to like it.
But it's not one that people think of. When they think of The Nutcracker, they think of Sugar Plum Fairies and Clara, and the Rat King, and the Snow. I knew all of these weren't feasible at my skill level, but you know what I mean.
My friend is an adult ballerina as well and did Nutcracker for the first time last year, landing Lilac and Snow. I was really hoping I would be good enough to get those rolls, and at auditions, a couple of the girls told me I was a shoe in. I guess it's my fault for letting me get my hopes up. Reality is I've only done ballet for 3 years next month and only been on pointe for a year, which really hasn't been a year with all the injuries, surgery, and improper shoes. I should have known I wouldn't be developed enough in skill to be farther ahead than my easier class. I'm 26.
I'm 26. That's another kinda difficult thing. Doing a roll with 13 year olds.
but I've done recital with 13 year olds.
Yeah, but I wasn't the only adult.
It feels like being in the advanced class at my old studio, but being the only one not dancing in the advanced dance. As hard as I tried, I just wasn't up to their level. I guess I wanted to prove something to myself. I wanted to prove that I can dance, that I am improving, that I am something.
Chinese was the roll I wasn't sure I wanted to do if I got cast in it. I know anything lower would have been with students who were too young with which to be paired. But I figured if my friend had done it, maybe I could, too.
Then I started daydreaming; of feeling pretty on that stage in a beautiful tutu. Of being in a long enough part to make it worth my family paying money they don't really have to spare to see me. Of the pride in my voice in telling people "I am in The Nutcracker" and how excited they would be, and they would come see me and see why I dance and how the production is beautiful.
I wanted to prove that I am good at ballet. That I'm not wasting my time doing this. That all this effort and pushing through is paying off. I want to prove how difficult this is. That I am capable of difficult things. That I'm not a pansy or a baby or weak.
I want to prove that I am a ballerina.
I won't lie to you, I cried.
I sat on my couch, crocheting and watching dance moms and cried.
I cried because I failed myself. Because I'm not as good as I hoped I'd be. Because I don't get to wear a tutu or feel pretty or prove to anyone anything. I cried because I'm not a part that makes my friends want to take pictures of me. I don't get to be in a roll that leaves kids wide-eyed in wonder and want to sign up and "be just like her." I cried because I really wanted to be in a role that wasn't typical to me. I want to show that I am human and that I am more than what is surface and that I have something to offer this world. I cried because I wanted to be remembered, and to me this interpreted as just another time that I was overlooked even if I could fill a roll or had a lot to offer. (Even if this was the best roll for me to fill.) I cried because of the fear that no one would want to come now. That I'm not good enough to be worthy anyone's time. Or that they would come and be disappointed. I cried because my ankle is still freakin' hurt and I can't do anything to improve my situation and I don't know how long it'll be like this. I cried because I'm 26 and I feel like I missed out and should be better than I am. That I should be better because I'm older, not because I've only been in ballet a quarter of the time most in my class have.
A lot of emotion rolled into those moments. I debated even doing The Nutcracker at all. Who was I kidding?
Then a very wise friend of mine told me some appropriately wise advice;
"Sleep on it sweetie."
I put it out of my mind and asked her if she knew what rolls other friends of ours had gotten and if she was excited for this years turn out.
I did the whole, "fake it 'til you make it" bit not really certain if I would ever make it to the level I was faking it. But I guess it seemed like the right thing to do.
I put it at arms length and took a step back to evaluate the situation.

• Which would be worse; being the roll I was cast for, or sitting in the audience while everyone else had fun?
• Surely there is something to be learned from this
• What about my babies, what would it say to them if I backed out?

So I thought about it.
I wanted to be something more mature, something beautiful. I wanted to be something that would show that I'm a ballerina. I wanted to be like my friend and have the blog-perfect Nutcracker experience that made everyone so proud. I wanted to be a roll that didn't make people roll their eyes and not take me seriously.
But maybe this wasn't the year for all of that.
Maybe this is the year that I have to learn to put all of that aside. Maybe this is the year that I learn something for myself; that it's not about proving something to anyone else but me. That I don't have to have these typical roles to inspire someone. That maybe the ones I'm to reach out to aren't the once in the audience, but rather the ones backstage. What if I'm comparing my unique story to everyone else's. What if the way that I am special is that I don't fall in to the typical category of what you would expect, but rather am silent in my strength.
What if.
And what about that story I heard.
About the most requested extra in hollywood.
How they didn't have any award, and no one really knew his name.
But the Director's did, and they requested him. He was in high demand
He was in high demand, even though the public didn't know him.
I decided I needed to be that guy.
So content in my roll and just happy to be there that I don't have a second to waste on feeling sorry or guilty or sad.

I thought of Jenna, one of my Instep babies who is at my new studio now.
I found the cast list online this morning and looked for her name, uncertain if she even auditioned.
And there she was.
Jenna was in it, and how elated will she be if I'm in it, too?
Then I decided to look up my other friends roles, and found out one of my dearest dance friends--one of my dearest friend in general--got cast for three rather large roles without even auditioning. I was ecstatic for her, bursting in pride at how she was able to accomplish such a feat.
It crossed my thought for half a second that she accomplished everything I failed to and that I should probably be sad or bitter or resentful or whatever, but I wasn't. she deserves this so hard.
I reevaluated.
I looked at reality
I have only been in ballet almost 3 years.
I have only been on pointe for "1 year."
I have only been at this studio for a month and was cast in a part that requires pointe work.
Be real, your chaines and grande jete's suck.

So, I decided that is what I will do.
I will work on these things I know I need improvement on and hope to do better next year.
Maybe if I work really hard, it'll show.

It's hard, being out on a stupid pointless injury that won't seem to go away.
It's hard, having to miss classes.
It's hard, not knowing when I'm going to get sick.
It's hard, not having the space I need to practice at home.
It's hard.
And there are a million excuses.
But I just can't let that be the final answer.

So I decided I'm going to team up with the one girl from our class that was actually excited about being Chinese and start an optimism party.
That we will make the most of this roll and be grateful to have it.
"Dance, dance like it's the last, last night of your life." Right?
If I died on December 22nd, I'd wish I had done it.
I'm gonna ham up this roll and be the best I can be.

We'll see how this goes.

Pointe Shoe Fitting

Once upon a time I entered this contest and somehow actually won and thought it was a scam, but then it wasn't.

(A little update from that post: Dianne had emailed me and asked if it would be better for me to go to the Austin store instead of the Dallas store, so I got to cut my travel time in half and see some of my dance friends in the process.)

So yesterday I took a couple friends and we trekked up to Austin.

 First we met up with my dear friend Leslie. I met her when I first started dancing at Instep Dance Studios. She was the Administrative Assistant, and actually the first person I spoke to there. (besides my friends who recommended Instep to me.) Leslie got married last year and she and her husband moved to Austin this summer. It was so good to see her.

From there we headed to Capezio. And let me tell you, I was nervous. I was so hopeful that this was what I needed to finally solve my pointe shoe problem, but so nervous that it would be another dead end. This wasn't the first time I'd gone out of town for a pointe shoe fitting. This wasn't the second time. And with this most recent ankle roll from my shoes, I was desperate. The people here locally can't help me and I have to have pointe shoes to dance on, so what am I going to do?
Then the fact that I'm 26. Would they judge me or treat me different? Were they expecting a 13 year old? would they just kinda give up on me, thinking I should know better and have all the answers? that seems to be a theme in my life. Then I was nervous about the fact that I don't have a dancer's body. I'm doing all I can to tone up and slim down, and I've come a long way, but with all my stomach issues and freaking injuries keeping me from doing what I need to outside of dance to lose the inches (and just as I'm starting to see results...) It's been a slow process. I didn't want the fears in my head to be confirmed and the voices I hear tearing me apart to become human form. I just want to dance. I just want to feel alive.
I walk in and meet Amanda (I think was her name?) who lead me to Jordan, the lady who I believe is the manager. She was the one that Dianne had sent me to and the one who would be handling everything.
I sat down.
"What shoes do you currently wear?"
"Currently, Grishko 2007s. But they caused me to roll my ankle, so."
"What did you like and not like about them?"
"I love the box. It's perfect. Best thing I've ever put on. But they seem to twist on my feet. And I had asked the lady who was fitting me about that and she said it was fine. But it's not. Hence the rolled ankle. My foot is really wide, but only at the toe here. It's kinda narrow in the back. My friend called it a Phantom heel, I think?"
"Can I see your feet?"
"Sure."
I take off my shoes and socks and show her my gimpy feet, telling her about my tiny toes and how the San Antonio guy told me he had seen worse, but still had a heck of a time fitting me. I told her how I liked my Russians, but they just hurt so badly that I couldn't do anything. I told her how I liked my Gaynors, but they weren't tapered enough.
She walked to the back and was gone for several minutes. She comes back with her arms loaded with pointe shoes.

And when I took this picture, she was in the back getting even more pointe shoes. I decided I wanted this place to be my closet. She came back with another arm full, sat on the floor, then asked, 

"What size shoe do you wear?"

"A 9 1/2."

"That's what I thought."

"Man. You're good."

I tried on the Capezio Tiffany's first, and I was amazed at how she was able to keep the different styles organized with so many shoes out. She explained how she could tell which shoe was which by the shape and color and other things. It was amazing. Side note, this is also when I managed to throw poop into the conversation. Really, don't ask.

I tried on the Tiffany's and liked them, but they shifted, which scared me. She explained the different reasons a shoe may shift, and the ways to figure out through, process of elimination, how to fix the issue. I was blown away.  

Then she brought out the Capezio Studios. She explained how they are a new shoe, and that typically you're either made for this shoe and nothing else, or everything else but this shoe. She then explained how Capezio's are typically made "broken in" but the studio's weren't. They had this crazy elastic instead of a drawstring and were definitely hard as rocks. Kind of like the Russians. She explained them as a Freed/Grishko hybrid. I named them "Frishko's." They weren't bad, but they definitely weren't my favorites. Weird, for sure, but a great concept. 

Then I tried on the Capezio Glisse's. They felt alright, but I wasn't sure if I preferred them over the Tiffany's or not. 

She got a different size of the Tiffany's so I could get a proper feel for which I preferred.  She asked how I felt in them and I told her they felt good, to which she responded, "These aren't my favorite on you. I wouldn't want you to have these shoes. Do you know why?" Of course, I didn't. "Because I can see that your toes are crunching in your shoe. Not so much the right foot, but the left.

Side note: for some reason, my left big toe is crunchy. My right big toe will pointe like a dream, but my left crunches. I mentioned this to the San Antonio pointe shoe fitter, and they told me, "You're going to have to get over it." 

When she was able to identify that just by looking at me in the shoe for .2 seconds, I wanted to hug her, bless her, cry, and scream, "THANK YOU FOR ACTUALLY KNOWING WHAT THE HECK YOURE DOING AND TELLING ME WHAT I SHOULD AND SHOULDN'T FEEL BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA AND YOU ARE HELPING ME INSTEAD OF JUST GOING WITH WHAT I SAY. OH MY GOSH, THANK YOU." all at the same time. It was a magical moment.

Then she had me try on the Capezio Aria's. She told me if she were to look at my feet and know nothing about what I like and didn't like, she would have put me in the Aria's. She also told me that she didn't think they would be right, but wanted to try them anyway. They were not my favorite, so we eliminated them and were down to the Tiffany's or the Glisse's.

"Here, try these on."

"Which ones are these?"

"I'm not going to tell you. People can get caught up on a name, and I want you to throw that out the window and choose by what feels better."

So I tried on the first one, went to the barre, stood in them, got a good feel. Then I put on the other ones, and stood at the barre. As soon as I did, I said, "These are the Tiffany's, aren't they?"

She asked how I could tell and I told her I could definitely feel the difference in the toe crunching in them. 

MIND BLOWN. MIND IS BLOWN.

Jordan was a definite game changer for my dance "career" if you want to call it that. I came in to this just after I turned 23 and was having to re-learn everything because the little experience I had was wrong. I had a supportive and wonderful studio, now I just needed someone open minded and kind hearted like that to fit me for pointe shoes. Everyone kept asking me, "How do they feel?" Without taking into consideration that I have no idea how they should feel and can't really tell you. I wrote it off as just one of those things you have to figure out as you go, but man this is exhausting and I'm falling behind.

Jordan told me all about different toe pads and which ones are better for what different things. She showed me tricks to help the blister on my pinkie toe knuckle, and was even able to pick out leotards that had longer girths, despite their size listed, in 2.7 seconds. 

I was a very happy camper. 

I have always loved Capezio, and I am so happy to say they still haven't disappointed me. I could forever sing their praises. It says a lot to me for such a big name company to care about the little people who will never make it big or go into a company or anything, and giving me just as much opportunity as anyone else. They treated me like a prima ballerina, and This is an experience I will never forget.

After we left Capezio, we went and found the graffiti park and took some pictures. (My friend Andie also does Irish Dance, so she brought her shoes to get some great pictures with.)

I do photography, and I shoot a lot of dancers, and one of the things that make the dancer feel the best is when a passerby comments on how cool that is, or a little kid is overheard saying, "Look, a pretty ballerina!" While we were there, I overheard people commenting, "Look at the ballerina!" and I caught junior high Homecoming kids putting me in the background of their pictures. (I was okay with it, of course.) And it was the first time I ever felt like a ballerina. So often I see myself as lesser than other dancers. I don't feel like I measure up, I see how far behind I am, I see how far I have to go and all the places I fall short. But these people saw me standing there for the shot, and they saw a ballerina. They didn't pick apart my technique, they didn't say how I probably couldn't do xyz, I didn't hear one negative word. 

We moved up to a higher level, where there was flat ground and I did some pique turns. A girl walking by while I was turning said, "That was really pretty!" as she passed. I wanted to hug her. I wanted to hunt her down, get a picture with her, and hug her. Other people also walked by and commented on how cool it was or how good it looked. 

And at first, I didn't think they were talking about me. Because all the other times I've heard it, they were talking about the dancer I was shooting. But this time, I was the dancer. 

I was the ballerina.

Rolled ankle and wonky shoes and all. 

I can't explain how good that made me feel.

Thank you, kind strangers, for saying such nice things when you didn't have to. It meant more than you'll ever know.

We also found this really awesome ode to Nerdfighteria. The people we encountered in Austin definitely reduced world suck. And I was so glad to have a fellow Nerdfighter along with me. It was a pretty great moment.

(That's just my feet while Kristin was shooting Andie. Because, why not?)

Then we met up with my dance friend, Annabelle. I met her at Instep when I first started dancing. She was one of the first people to speak to me there and got her pointe shoes a year before me. I took her senior pictures that November, and the rest is history. Now she is one of my main models when she's in town and never disappoints. She's also one of my dearest friends. I wish we could have stayed longer, but having the few hours with her did wonders for my soul.

Annabelle has this roommate she met last year whose name is Emily. We decided that we are clones (I mean, seriously, down to minute details) but had never met. Well, she got home right before we got back to their apartment, and so I got to meet her and OH MY GOSH IT WAS GREAT. I had called her when we first met up with Annabelle, but it went to voicemail. which is when I realized I had never heard her voice before. I left a ridiculous voicemail that was perfect. When Annabelle opened the door, we freaked out and hugged for practically forever. It was great. I felt like we had known each other for years.

That's us, with Andie creepin' like a pro.

Andie, Annabelle, Emily, and me. Such a happy hug of friends :) 

Then we drove back home that night, almost got hit by a mini cooper convertible with 3 guys in it. Those three guys ended up playing cat and mouse for the next 30 minutes til they exited, and it was hilarious.

Then we realized when we stopped at a gas station that I left my purse at Annabelle's. We were an hour and a half home already and I wasn't about to go back. I was thinking how Annabelle could use my card to pay for shipping to get it back to me, when I remembered that Leslie is coming down this week for our dance festival that is this weekend. (Win!) So we carried on and got home after 1am. 

Don't mind how messy the foreground and background are, but this was all the FREE stuff I got from Capezio. Glisse pointe shoes, elastics, ribbons, (would have gotten toepads had I used the ones they had, but I didn't, so that's all good.) And that sweet Capezio cup! Any ballet dancer out there knows how much money that is that I just saved, but let me tell you, Capezio is a genius for it. As if they didn't already have a lifetime advocate for their leotards that actually fit my long torso, they now have my infinite pointe shoe business. (unless there was something Jordan missed, which would surprise me. And which I would also just pay her another visit for her genius and get whatever shoes she thought were best.)

Words can not express my gratitude to Capezio. Seriously. To say this changed my life wouldn't be an understatement. Now I'm just anxious for my ankle to heal so I can start wearing these puppies!

THANK YOU, CAPEZIO!!

ramblings

I was really hopeful that I would be able to make it through the entire class yesterday, but alas:

Stupid ankle.
It's not that it was necessarily hurting, but about 10 minutes in to barre, it started doing this weird thing where I could feel it grinding or crunching or however you want to describe it.
I have noticed this in my foot before, and it makes me hecka nervous.
I just want to dance, but I also don't want to screw myself over by pushing through when I shouldn't, instead of resting it while I still have the luxury of resting it. Pushing it now could be detrimental come Nutcracker.
I'm just really frustrated, because I was looking forward to class yesterday.

(see sad face)

I don't want to lose all the strength I've gained and I don't want to fall behind everyone else. That's what happened last year; I was out with an injury then an organ removal (Dramatic sounding, I know.) and missed all those conditioning classes.
I need those classes. They're what I've been looking forward to.
I'm trying not to let myself get all anxious. Especially with everything going on in life right now, it'd be easy to get lost in it. But I don't have the luxury of succumbing to that right now. I have to keep it together.
So, I spent the class watching the other girls; trying to glean any bit of knowledge I can to help me better grasp everything in hopes that I'll be better equipped when I can dance again.
Maybe it's a good thing.
I have the pointe shoe fitting tomorrow have I mentioned how nervous I am? so maybe it's a good thing my ankle didn't let me get back into my old shoes. I'm hopeful they'll be able to finally show me a shoe that fits.
Gah, I'm freakin' Cinderella over here. Except, instead of taking a shoe all around to find the girl it fits, we're taking the girl all around to find the shoe that fits.
Anyway. Hopefully my foot heals up before too long. I'm glad to have such a great class at such a supportive studio.
Our insurance guy at work called and when I answered he told me about his 4-year-old daughter starting ballet classes at my same studio. It made me happy.

I am thankful to have the chance to get pictures at my new studio. I haven't pressed it too much since I'm still trying to get a feel for the place, but I'll take any opportunity I can get.

<3

oh so many.

Sometimes I write in my other blog about dance things.
It's hard to keep it all segregated sometimes.
My life has many facets.
So, if you wanna read it, there's the link.

Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease.

Happy Birthday to me.

Last night I spent the evening of my 26th birthday at ballet.
By choice.
And I regret nothing.
Our teacher wasn't feeling well, so we had one of the principals subbing. As horrible as it sounds, I was glad to not have our regular teacher on my birthday. And I was excited to have someone new; a fresh outlook and viewpoint.
The way I can describe Heidi is sunshine embodied.
I mean, she would sing the moves as she demonstrated them.
She's always smiling and happy and you're looking at her like, "How in the world can you have so much pep after doing such a complicated combination flawlessly? Followed by, "This is why you're a principal."
She's one of those that can bust out this badass, hard core, impressive move, then top it off with a giggle like, "This is nothing, but I dare you to double cross me. I'll shank you. Hehehe."

I love having different teachers, because they each notice different things. Heidi was adamant about your feet "talking." What she means, is that you use each and every muscle and roll through your feet properly. No cheating and just popping into it. Her feet were so ballet beautiful that it made you want to do what she said; she proved what she said works.
It made me want to work harder and practice more. I want so badly for my house to be done so I can have the room to practice and stretch and work on all of these things at home. It's hard not to get frustrated when you know you can be better if you just had the opportunity. I'm still trying to figure out ways to make what I have work.

Heidi teaches a lyrical class after our ballet class on Monday's, and she and Ms Munro offered all of us to stay.

I thought, "What the heck? What better way to spend my birthday other than dancing?"
So my friend Hanna and I stayed.
I was honest when they asked me at first, and said, "I'm scared." It didn't come off as weak, it came off as blunt, and that was perfect. She asked the other girls what I could expect, and what they said was, "It makes you come out of your comfort zone." To which I replied, "Oh, I don't really have a comfort zone anymore." Which is partly true.
I don't. I'm constantly trying to press myself to try new things; to stop wishing on the sidelines and take the opportunities I'm given. I've always wanted to do lyrical, I know I have never done this before, but what better time than now? What better place than one where they understand that I've never done this?
She wasn't concerned if I was good or did things well, she wanted me to try. She is the type that can read you without you saying a word, and she was kind enough to instruct me without calling attention to it. This is the sign of a great teacher; a great leader.

We began, and I closed my eyes. Fear is your biggest demise, and I knew that if I could just face it, I would be successful.
After all, dance isn't all about being perfect, it's about heart.

I know I was well behind all the other girls, especially the little super flexible ones. But you know, that's okay.
At the end, we broke up into groups and made up our own movement with certain stipulations. We went first, I kept up, it went really well. And as I sat there and watched the other groups, I reflected back on my life and my dance history.
How I've only been dancing 3 years next month.
How I was in a car wreck I still have nerve damage from.
How I've been sick for 10+ years for reasons still unknown.
How I'm 24, 25, 26 and behind 12, 13,14,15,16, etc year olds.

How all these things used to hold me back, but here I am trying something new. Here I am, saying, "Screw you, excuses." And trying something I've always wanted to do.
Breaking down those invisible barriers telling me I can't and shouting, "WATCH ME."
I may not be any good, but I'm free. I'm trying, and as long as I try I will grow.
I wanted to be able to do the shoulder roll over thing, and the heel click thing, and I wish I had the room at home to try them since I didn't have the confidence to at dance, but I'll get there. Part of me wishes I would have tried, but part of me knows I have to be realistic with my stomach, and that being there doing what I did was enough for the first day.

This morning I saw bruised knees, and I smiled.
Proof that I'm trying.
Proof that I'm facing my fears.

(Happy Birthday, Ms. Heidi.)