Also

Ms. Munro spoke to me yesterday.
Asked me if I was okay. Asked how my knees were, mentioned how I never do jumps.
I explained why I didn't do them in class, but how I still marked and learned and can do them if needed. How in such a fast paced environment I tend to forget the details I need to think about and hurt my knees. I explained how the right leg is longer, how my back is curved, and how I have the calcified whiplash. I told her in choreography, I'm fine, because I can think about it. I can work specifically on something and know how to avoid injury.

She told me I should be very proud of how far I've come in such a short amount of time. She asked how long I've been en pointe, and said that these other girls have just been on longer.
She asked me to pointe my foot, so I did, and she said I had really good arches, and I need to lift out of my shoe more. That I need to build the strength so I don't sink.

I wish someone had told me this sooner.
I had heard whims of this, but never definite. It wasn't anything concrete. I do stuff with the theraband, but I wish I had known to dedicate to this. That this is what they were looking for.

I can't change the past, but I can move forward to the future.
I am still the cover, which means I still have a shot, even if it's not the way I had hoped.
Even if it sucks.
Even if I feel like complete crap and a failure and like I must suck to get the roles I got, since I'm not even with my level.

I can't change the past.
So I'm going to work like hell on what I now know to do. I'm going to press forward with fierce determination, and hope someone doesn't show up enough and they actually follow through with replacing them. I'm going to show them I can do it. Because nothing would be worse than feeling all these things, getting to do the part, and finding that I can't do it.

Tuesday's after ballet will be dedicated to building strength.
I can't let myself be afraid of my knee hurting, instead I must train it to go in the right direction.
I'm going to speak to teachers about how to better focus on gaining this strength, what to do with my shoes to help them last longer, and if I should start doing jumps in class or if it would do more damage than good. (I also don't grande plie for this reason. My knees haven't hurt since, even with choreography.) (I also don't have to wear the brace any more.)

So if they can see the improvement in all my other efforts, I'm going to keep up with that til they see these.

Positives:

• Ms. M complimented my musicality, asking if I played an instrument. I have not
• She said I have come a very long way for the short amount of time I have been dancing
• She said that I did really well in the Winkie Guard role last year and carried the other dancers, specifically with my ability to count and acting skills
• She said I have really arched feet (I'm taking it as a compliment)

Theatre Week, Night One

The favorite part of any Corpus Christi Ballet dancer is undoubtedly theatre week.
It's when we take our rehearsals from our downtown studio to the Selena Auditorium and do everything on stage.
This is when it really gets real. The lights, the costumes, the stage, the audience, the wings and curtains and back drops and everything.

Last night was our first night of our first theatre week.
We rehearsed for the Saturday show, so I was Rat Queen. We only did partnered things in costume, so that landed me in the Rat Queen onsie and head. Hah.
I didn't mess up any of the order, but it definitely is a bigger space to do it on, and way more difficult when you can't see a darn thing.
I got critiqued for looking blank right before the lift (I had never done it in costume before and was like AH! but made it work. So. Warrented.) and for not grabbing the canon ball, since it had flown to the front of the stage and I had the perfect opportunity to get it.
That thing somehow manages to blend in with the stage, because even looking at the ground, I didn't see it. This was also at the time that my left shoe had slipped off my heel, yet managed to stay on my foot, so I was going through the bit trying to work out if there was a way I could get it back on and also thinking of what was coming up that I would need it all the way on for. Turns out, no one even noticed and I made it work.
The partnering is a bit shaky, which makes me sad. Because I love to do it, and would probably look a million times better if we weren't in these giant costumes with these huge heads, but that's okay. Sean is great and makes sure I don't hit the floor, so that's nice. I think I'll go over it with him once before we do it again to make sure we get the feel. We have first school show, so hopefully we have time to even do this. Regardless, we'll make it work. I just want to do my best and prove I wasn't a mistake being cast as Rat Queen. Mrs. Alex smiled at me, so that's good. She knows I've never learned partnering before rehearsal.

There were many feel-good moments during rehearsal. I absolutely love being surrounded by so many people that I love so deeply. Especially in this time in my life where I'm surrounded by so much new. I didn't realize how much I really thrive off of having something familiar near me until this week. My new job is absolutely wonderful, but there's so much to learn and I suck at asking questions. I'd rather observe to learn, or just go with it, but there are things that I have to ask on and I feel kinda stupid and embarrassed. I gotta suck it up, and I will, but it still sort of shakes me.
Though, if that's my biggest issue, then I'm doing pretty darn well. I'm trying not to freak out about tax season madness, since right now things are so low key. I'll take it when it comes and do my best to make it through. I just want them to be glad they hired me, not feel any sort of regret or anger.
(Part of this is also probably from being so used to getting yelled at so much. Now that I'm not, it's kind of a huge adjustment. A good one, but still takes time.)

I also learned how to properly tie my pointe shoes yesterday. (Thanks, Elizabeth) I never really understood the concept of why people would wrap one ribbon first, then the second, but she explained it and now I feel like a whole new world has been shown to me. I'm extremely grateful to have people in my life that are willing to help me fill the gaps where people assume I know what I'm doing.

Tonight is night two! WOO!

Oh, here's some new stuff! (and pictures!)

We had an event for the Nutcracker on Saturday where some of us dressed up in costume and did a story time, inviting people to come to the shows. Barnes and Noble gave a portion of the profits to the company if the customers mentioned us at check out. Cool, huh?
Going as Rat Queen terrified half the children and intrigued the other.
There was this one little girls, couldn't be older than two, who was completely taken with the Rat Queen. She was my absolute favorite thing, I wish there were a way to get a copy of the pictures from her mom! Haha. I don't know how the Disney Characters do it, since they aren't allowed to take any pictures.
I also saw one of my favorite little dancers from my old studio, Noelia, whime I hadn't seen since our last recital at Instep. I took off my head and her mom remembered me and Noelia did after a bit. It made me so happy. She is dancing at Ballet Academy, which I'm glad to hear that she's still dancing. She absolutely beautiful and incredibly talented, not to mention such a sweet girl.
There were two different times for the Nutcracker story time. Jessica was gracious to let me have the first slot so I could be done in time for a photo shoot (that got rained out, unfortunately) so I gave her the suit for the second part. It was such a fun time.

We had a local promotional event at the Lighting of Lamar Park here locally, and I got to be the Rat Queen for it, as well. (Which is fab since it's cold outside and the Rat Queen costume is nice and warm) My dear, sweet Ayla was there as the mouse, so we walked around a bit together. It was quite the hit, seeing the "big mouse and little mouse." I even made one girl scream when she commented on Ayla's costume and I turned around to see her and she wasn't expecting it. It was pretty hilarious.
Surprisingly, less were afraid of me than weren't. I took tons of pictures with kids and sometimes other characters as well. We passed out candy canes and having the giant head sure did make it easier to give face to the local news station reporters.
I saw another one of my babies from Instep, the other one I had yet to see that I missed to terribly. Isabella was there with her Mom and Brother, and I introduced myself before taking off my head to talk to them. Her Mom was thrilled to see me, and remembered me right away. Isabella took a second, I'm sure also taking in the fact that there was a human in this rat suit, haha. Her Mom told me she hadn't been dancing since Instep closed and I told her about Munro and the classes there. I told her about the class I assist and to check it out and that Mia was the teacher and the times and all. She was so pumped. I really hope to see Isabella at the studio!

I also got to see my friends Ryan and Lauren, who had a table set up with their two books they've put out recently. One is a book of photography and the other is a children's book; both incredible.
(http://www.amazon.com/dp/1943842116/ref=cm_sw_su_dp)
They have been really dear to my heart and also such good, cherished friends to me over the years. I love seeing them and seeing how God is using them to make a difference in the world.

I got to hold on to the costume from Sunday until the event on Tuesday. I realized Sunday night that the Black Swan tutu is part of the Rat Queen costume and that it was in my closet. I text my sister and asked if she could get some pictures of me in it on Monday, and she graciously obliged. 

                                                   

So that was fun.

The costume was a little big, since I'm not wearing the giant rat suit underneath, but we made it work. I really like how they came out, and I'm glad to have these for if one day I can't dance anymore. Plus, I think it was good for me to see that I don't look like the image in my head while in a real tutu. (this is just me being real, here. My story, I can say it if I want.)

Obviously, there's a few "bloopers" or whatever. My dad's German Shepherd was chasing my cat who decided to saunter over to us. They also decided that right behind us is the perfect place to do this chase. Hah

My Achilles has been hurting, especially since this last cold front came through. I asked Ms. Heidi what I should do about it, and she showed me some different things to do to help it. Sometimes stretching it can make it worse. I was glad she said that, because that's what I was feeling, but didn't have any proof of it and didn't know what else to do. Hopefully it'll start feeling better. It is fine when I don't dance, even in the interim. Between steps and combinations. 

My ankles were really weak before dancing. I used to hurt it just by stepping on it wrong, but I could never figure out what was "wrong" exactly. I hadn't felt it in a while, but when landing a grand jete at rehearsal, I found it again, and my ankle--and Achilles--started hurting. It pops quite often as well. 

I woke up this morning to a text from my cousin. It was pictures of her double jointed fingers, asking if I can do the same. I told her I can, and sometimes in different ways, and told her how I can't point straight because my fingers curve and how my knees and elbows hyper extend. She told me that she was diagnosed with hypermobility. That it's genetic, and can actually cause gastrointestinal issues. 

Bingo.

It's been quite a day of learning and discovering. 

I've learned much over the last few weeks, having more time to myself. I wish I could have written more before I hardly have any time at all. 

New things, and I'm sure they'll be good--just different. I feel good about them, a bit nervous. 

I'm sure it'll be good. 

It already has been. 

Lovely Things

Just a post of some things that have happened this week that I want to remember.

• Sitting on the floor trying to untangle my yarn to continue to crochet. One of the younger dancers strikes an interest. I show her the stitch and she picks it up immediately
• Another younger dancer tells me she's good at untying knots and asks if I would like her help. Turns out she was extremely good at untying knots and got me over the hurdle I was at for a while. The two worked on different sections to master most of the knot.
• Ayla balling up the other end of the yarn to help avoid knots and get more of the giant knot undone.
• One of the mom's saying to me, "You're a person who always does what they say they're going to do." I wish I could remember what we were talking about, but this made me feel like I was the type of person worth being. This is a good feeling
• Joss being absolutely silly and reminding me of myself at her age.
• Mrs. Julie saying I am more than welcome to do the VI's ballet recital piece if I would like to. (The costume is epic. I am so excited.) (Also, I'll be doing it on flat so I'm more comfortable. She is all for it.)
• Seeing Ms. Nancy for the first time in 3 weeks
• Hugging her. (she cried.)
• Reese remember who Cheyanne and I are, that we played cars, and asking to play with us again.
• Reese and Cheyanne walking on my back. (There is a polaroid. I'll post if I can.)
• Reese jumping up and down when she says our names. (Oh my gosh melt.)
• Reese cuddling up as I read her a book, leaving before it was finished, but finishing it anyway as I had a good sized group of advanced dancers around me listening.
• A butterfly named Arthur.
• Ileana telling me with wide eyes, "You did so good on Monday!! I was so proud like, "aww, go Emilee!" This means a lot since Monday's lyrical class is new to me, and also the type of class I deep down want to be able to do. 
• Catherine's genuine smile and laugh when something is funny or she's really excited.
• Mariela being the genuine joy and support that she is. To say I value having her in my life is a vast understatement. 
• Jazz hands.
• Walking into the office and having to walk through Mia's class. I wait until they finish the phrase and try to be invisible, as per usual, when I hear, "*gasp* it's Ms. Emilee!" and turn to see Ayla with a giant smile on her face. I snuck a wave and snuck into the office, my heart officially a puddle.
• Everything about the entire Rowland family.
• Seeing Judy channel all the SYTYCD dancers in Tap class, then take a correction from the teacher and completely nail it.
• Mariela telling me, "When you lifted it, oh my gosh, it was beautiful." (After being corrected. Oops I was doing tendus instead of degages.)
• Elizabeth and Abby always being there with advice and encouragement be it about pointe shoes, sore muscles, or problems in my personal life. Especially when it includes videos of cats or corgis.
• My baby dancers (okay, they're not babies at all. But they're my babies, you understand) hugging me and high fiving and just generally loving the fact that I'm there.
• Having such understanding and supportive teachers to learn from and help me to grow. 
• Having such caring friends in class, looking out for me and helping me when I need it.
• Getting to use the smaller studio on my own after ballet
• Knowing, at the end of the day, even though the struggles seem insurmountable, I'm in a great place that wants nothing more than to see me succeed.

Epiphany about previous post.

While sorting through pictures and talking to one of my dance friends, Annika, I think I have come to at least a partial conclusion as to why I seem to have this mindset about my dancing ability.

When I danced as a kid, my parents always came.
They'd sit through the recital, they'd bring flowers, they'd take pictures.
I felt like I was a wonderful dancers, until my friends would tell me where I messed up or I watched the recital video for myself and saw they were right.

Now I'm an adult, and I do recitals, and this year I've found myself in a studio that also does two major productions.
And at first, when I was at my old studio, I did recital, and holiday showcase in the winter, and I would hope my parents would come. It was important to me. I wanted them to be there and tell me how great I was and how proud they were of me. And they came. And they complained about how rough parking was and how it made them get there late and get bad seats. And my sister gave me flowers which I really appreciated but felt bad about. And then mom made a comment after recital, "How long does this dance thing last?" And I realized she didn't meant this season, but how long was I going to dance. And I told her until my feet fall off.
So the next year, I didn't press them to come. I made it an option and let them decide if they wanted to come. There was one of the holiday showcases where mom told me she wasn't going to come. And that dad probably wouldn't want to. So I asked him, and he scoffed at me for thinking he wouldn't want to come and that if I was dancing, he would be there. So mom went with him. And then for recital, Dad couldn't come because he was working on a little house he's building in the backyard for me, so I understood why he couldn't be there. And mom had to work. And my sister wasn't there. I don't think they came, at least. If they did, I don't remember. And it was my last recital with that studio, and a dance I was really proud of.
I had to figure out in myself why I dance. I had to dance for me. To learn that this isn't about anyone else and their approval, but because I love it.
And, boy do I love it.

This year was a little easier since two of the shows were productions. My sister was excited to see The Nutcracker--my first dance ever en pointe--and The Wizard of Oz proved to be interesting. I told Dad if he had to pick one to go to out of Oz and recital to pick recital because I'm really proud of this dance. Not that I wasn't proud of Oz, but recital is en pointe, and that's more of a challenge for me.
Mom and my sister came to Oz, they all went to Nutcracker, and Mom and Dad are coming to recital and maybe my sister.

I understand that they may not really care about ballet. Definitely not as much as I do. I understand that recital's can be really drawn out, especially if you only know one person in one 3 minute dance. (Mom made a comment once about "maybe if you were in more than one" which really bummed me out when a girl dropped from the advanced class and instead of putting me in they just reblocked it. I just wasn't good enough.)
I understand that I am an adult. That this is something that is solely on me--they don't have to drive me anywhere, they don't pay for anything with it, they have nothing invested.

But I guess something in me subconsciously stuck with that mindset.
I'm not good enough to be in the extra dance.
Maybe next year.
Studio closes, there is no next year to prove to myself that I am.
New studio.
I can't do anything in the V's en pointe. I'm not good enough.
Maybe if I were better then my parents would want to come see me.

And I didn't realize all of this until I was talking to Annika. And I told her my parents were coming. And my brain thought about how her mom goes to see every single one of her shows, even if it's the same dances. Because she loves to watch her dance. And I thought of Ms. Jane and how she never gets tired of watching Elizabeth dance. But I'm not good enough for my Mom to want to watch me dance. And last night she said if I would have danced the V's, which performed last night, as well as the IV's, which is tonight, she would have only came to one, even though they're different dances. And my mind connected that to I'm just not good enough.

And it clicked.

Now, I don't blame my parents for this. I truly understand. Especially during such busy times of year.
And I've had friends come out and support me, and I know I'm well loved.
And I guess I never realized how settled this was in my heart.

What will I do with this information?
I don't know.

I guess it's kind of like when a musician or an actress is starting out, and not everyone takes them seriously. And then when they stick with it and bust out on the scene and all of a sudden they're a big name, that's when everyone wants to claim that they know them.
When I am "good enough" for them, will I feel less indifferent to their attendance?
What matters most to me are the people who are here for me, now, during the process.
Those are the people who are the true gems.
The ones who believe in me before my breakthrough.

I'm hopeful to get to take more classes and improve. I'm hopeful to get to take those private lessons with Ms. Lori or maybe Mrs. Abby. I'm hopeful.


My Mom always listens to my stories after rehearsals or class. That's something.

Your happiness is yours.

"Are you still on that high?"
My teacher asked me when she saw me today.
I simply said, "Mostly!" to avoid bringing up the thing that had wavered the high slightly.
I knew she knew. I don't know if she knew I knew.
Regardless, everyone within earshot had no business knowing, so I played it off.

For some reason, I'm a naturally fearful person. I don't think that I live in fear, per say, but I do tend to think worst-case-scenario and when something happens in which I'm wrongly accused, it tends to shake me up and make me nervous.

Usually I get really anxious or have panic attacks, but this time is different.
This time I'm able to understand where the issue is, where I play into it, and that it truly isn't my fault. If the others involved don't see that, this doesn't mean it's because of anything I've done wrong.
"I am responsible for my actions, not people's reactions."

I've learned to face what you're afraid of. To play Taylor Swift and Uptown Funk as much as you need to calm yourself down and distract yourself.
I learned that there's no reason to be afraid of it if you've done nothing wrong, but even so it doesn't mean that bad things won't happen to you. It also doesn't mean that when bad things happen to you they're automatically your fault.
There's only so much you can do.
Do what you can, and let it ride out.

But don't let it steal the good things from you.
These experiences, these great memories, these beautiful things are yours, even if it makes someone else mad. It doesn't negate that you are deserving of good things.
Don't shield your light just because someone gets mad that it's in their eyes.
(ooo, that's good... where did that come from? I dunno. But I'm takin' it.)

Moral of the story, I have such incredible people in my life, and I have found myself amongst a wonderful dance family. I can't think of a time I've ever been happier or felt more loved.
Typically when something good happens to me, somehow by the next day I look back on it and feel a deep remorse. I don't know why.
But this time, I think back to Saturday, and all I have is joy inside.
I see this certificate, the drawing from my munchkins, the pictures...I read the comments and texts from friends, and my heart explodes all over again.

I feel confident that if I were to die tomorrow, I will not have left any moment uncaptured. I've made the most of these days, and I hope to have more to fill like these have been.
These are my "good ol' days" and they are good indeed.

Today was our last Monday class.
I can't believe that it's been an entire year already...
We took some pictures :)

I love these girls so much!

Rebecca got cut out of the one... :( But they're still great!

Memories

Just a few things I want to remember.

• Seeing Ms. Munro watching and smiling from the wings as we danced Crows.
• Elizabeth joking about getting caught on stage at the start of Act 2 and hiding behind Abby's throne and popping out when we turned Abby around or being Abby's arms from behind, etc.
• Actually almost getting caught on stage at second act.
• Jessica laughing at me when they started the wrong music (our music) and I instantly snapped into place in Winkie mode.
• The uncontrolable laughter before the curtain rose because of Act 2's pre-shenanigans.
• Seeing Abby's intense face while she was in character
• As well as hearing the kids gasping from the front row.
• Mariela coming to see us.
• The Crows' genuine love and support for me
• And how they cheered and made a fuss every time I entered the room.
• My munchkins never wanting to leave my side.
• Butter. (the dog. Our toto)
• Andie in a bonnet
• Everyone calling me Mom. I love that so much. I love these girls.
• Mrs. Jane beaming as she watched Elizabeth side-stage. "I want to be Elizabeth when I grow up." "Me too."
• Seeing Elizabeth watch the other dancers side stage in her beautiful costume THAT SHE MADE WHAT THE HECK
• Sweeeet Caroliiiiine BUH DUH DUUUUH
• and the rest of the songs that caught on in the dressing rooms
• having the dressing rooms next to each other and being able to spend time with everyone
• Anytime someone said, "It's too hot" a choir of "hot damn" being the reply.
• The epic death of the Wicked Witch that was impromptu.
• All of us coughing from the fog machine
• Getting to give flowers to Abby at the end of the Beeville show (and to Elizabeth at the end of the other shows.)
• The other Winkie's specifically letting me give them to these two because they knew we were friends. Such kind girls.
• Conversations with Lillian.
• Dairy Queen.
• Abby's facebook messages

Yesterday was a fairy tale.

Hindsight.

I found myself in the spiraling vortex that is going through old blog posts.

It's funny to look back on the beginning and remember how I felt when all of it happened, but also to have the insight of now. The reality. The full picture I couldn't see while going through it.

I take these things into consideration with life now as I experience it. That I may feel a certain way towards people or things now--while they're new--that may just be a bit of caught-in-the-moment.

But what if it's not?
What if this time it isn't too good to be true?
And good things came out of those moments; great things, wonderful things.
But I think part of it was fueled by hope that maybe one day I would feel the reality of those things I got glimpses of. Or maybe I thought that was the best things could get, never knowing how much more would be in store for me--how much more was possible.

I wrote things I felt then that I've never really felt until now. How is that possible if I said I felt them then?
I had no idea the entire extent of what could be.

Does any of this make sense? How does this even apply to dancing?
Well. I'm learning it through my life in dance.

This may not be the most interesting blog post throughout my story, but I just felt it needed to be said.

What if there's better than the best you have now but you simply don't know about it yet?
Don't be afraid of what's to come--of change or different or new.
It could be the very thing that leads you further into your dream than you ever even dreamed possible.