My first fall.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it happened.
I had my first fall from pointe.

It happened during floor work. I'm behind everyone else as it is, but I'm doing the best I can. Thank God my teacher is really understanding and doesn't make me feel pressured or rushed. Better to do it right.
We were going from the left side doing a pique to front attitude. I don't even know how it happened but I ended up on my butt.
My reaction?
I burst into laughter.
After the fact, I always laugh at myself in how I'm disappointed no one is laughing with me. But, they're my friends. And I just fell off my pointe shoe. Why would they laugh? Duh, Emilee. I guess laughing is my automatic response.
I got right back up after laughing and tried it again. I didn't even think about being afraid until I noticed Jilissa's concern and direct attention to my next move. This is when I became surprised in myself.
I'm always afraid. I'm always concerned. I always feel things deeply and take them to heart and take a while to shake them. But this time, I just got right back up and kept going.
I guess I'm finally growing up, eh?
When I noticed, I was grateful for Jilissa's careful concern. It made me feel like trying again was safe; and it was. I always thought my left was my stronger side, but I guess on pointe it's my right. She even complimented my roll down off pointe on the right side. The car wreck affected my left leg, but in turn I had more issues on my right. I guess with putting all the pressure and over-hyper extending it while over compensating for the injury to the left, it ended up affecting the right more. The right is the one I had to go to physical therapy for.
Well. I guess it worked.

I want to work harder. I want to improve. I want to become stronger and more stable and perfect the craft. And then I want to learn more and perfect that.
I want to dance as often as I can for as long as I can.
Life is to short to sit it out.

Where I'm supposed to be.

Sometimes I don't even realize I've gone so long without writing.

Recently I had been having issues with my darn pointe shoes. I mean, I know they're supposed to hurt, but should they bring me to tears during class? I mean. I don't cry. It takes a lot for that to happen. But these shoes managed it.
After a long battle, I have finally gotten to where they're supposed to be; just the right amount of pain. This is the stuff I can endure. This is the stuff that I can battle through and see the results of my labor.
I'm still behind everyone else, but that's okay.
I'm also 25, I had an organ removed two months ago, not to mention all the other health issues plaguing me.
I don't want to make excuses, but I gotta accept reality at times. It is what it is.

Let me tell ya, it feels good to finally be able to do pointe like I'm supposed to be. To be able to fight the fight. To be able to work hard and succeed.
I have a long way to go, but I'll get there.

Keep Fighting

Part of the journey is being confronted with a certain, extremely high, brick wall.
You have two choices when you reach it:

1. Run.
   You can turn around and never look back. Give up and say it's too hard. You made it that far, that's something to speak of, right?
2. Or, you can climb it.

Say you pick number 2. You begin your ascension, gripping the next brick you can reach and doing all you can to pull yourself up. But some of the bricks aren't stable. These bricks usually begin as thoughts. "You can't do this." "Who are you kidding?" "Look at yourself. You're nothing like you're supposed to be." "You can't do this. It's too hard. You're too old. Just give up. It's too late to start this, now." "Everyone else is excelling so much quicker than you are. Why even try?" "You're never going to make it." "ooo, that's uncomfortable, better not do that."

Newsflash: If it was comfortable, everyone would be doing it.

This road we're on, it isn't easy. We're gonna face these bricks that try and hit us in the face and make us give up. Don't let them.  If you do, you'll also find the bricks of regret. 

Keep pressing forward. 

You got this. You can do this. It may take longer, but it'll be worth it.

Fight for what your heart is telling you.

It's worth it.

It turns out, I didn't rip my pointe shoes off and throw them out the window. Sure, I fought tears the entire class and slipped a few not-so-good words, but I didn't walk out. I didn't give up. I may have been weak this class--for whatever reason--but I didn't give up.

I can identify this weakness, address it, and work harder next class.

I'm too determined to quit. 

In fact, I would think quitting would be more painful than enduring.

Keep Fighting.

Mental Strength.

Jilissa has been hitting a certain topic recently.
"Your mind is stronger than your body."
And, boy, is she right.

I thought I understood this before, but I'm really starting to understand it now.
I have a long way to go. I need to get stronger. I need more flexibility. I need better arches.
All these things I need to work on daily to get to where I'm heading, and sometimes it seems impossible.
My pointe shoes are giving me a really difficult time. My right foot's big toe gets crammed and starts hurting at the joint really badly. It scares me, I don't want to press through something if it's going to be detrimental in the long run. At the same time, I don't want to make excuses for something I just have to press through.
I noticed the truth in Jilissa's statement yesterday.
After point class, I noticed the joint didn't hurt so much, and my arch was feeling like it got more work into it.
These are both great things.
So as we started learning new and complex things I can't physically do (yet) I kept reminding myself to try my hardest and do it right, even if it didn't look the best. Don't cheat and make bad habits from the beginning. Work up to it.
When I didn't think I could do something, I would just shove the doubt out of the way and try.
It's amazing what you can do when you tell yourself you can.

I have a lot of improvement that needs to be done, but at least I'm seeing it.
No excuses.
No, "I can't."
Those two words are going to be removed from my ballet vocabulary.

I'm only going up from here.

History

I think one thing that draws me to ballet is the history behind it.
To see pictures of ballerinas from the 1800s blows my mind.
Their pointe shoes look like mine.
There form is what I learn.
Their costumes are familiar.
The ballets they dance are ones I've seen.

It's almost like doing ballet ensures immortality.
Not that you yourself are immortal, but that by being a ballerina, you become part of something immortal.

I love history, I love people's stories, I love museums and seeing things that have more than I've been around for; things I didn't get to live or experience myself. I am also vastly aware of how the life I'm living and the generation I'm in is just as much a mark in history as those that fascinate me.
I love when I can tie things from my own life to that of the past. When I find common ground between me in history. I especially love being able to step into a time warp of sorts and experience glimpses of life and times before mine.
It's probably why I love taking dance pictures by the old buildings downtown.

I'm leaving my mark here.
I'm doing my dance.
I'm living my life.
The times I have now can never come back once they've passed.
I want to do all I can to remember and document and make the most of every ounce of this life.

You don't know what you have until it's gone.

I had my gallbladder out on October 4th.
I've been sick for a while and the doctors have been clueless as to what is causing it. In September I was informed that I needed to get my gallbladder removed.
I was nervous, not just because I've never had surgery before, but because I had just started pointe, and I didn't want to fall behind the rest of the girls or--in essence--have to start over.
I psyched myself up to the reality that I'd probably have to miss a month of dance classes. I told myself this was good timing because I shouldn't miss much of the Holiday Showcase choreography and practice. At lease there's that, right?
I had the surgery, and they said it went well. The first four days were rough, but my friends who had the procedure before told me that was to be expected. I couldn't move much. The first day, I could hardly even sit up on my own, let alone do anything else. Standing was painful, even. Thankfully, mobility increased every day. Soon, when I was able to sit up pretty well I got my theraband and worked the muscles in my feet and ankles. The poor things were so neglected.
I had my 10-day follow up appointment this past Monday. Surprisingly, he released me to dance already. It seems like weeks elapsed in those few days I could hardly move, and like my body milked every moment up until that appointment to be lacking in some area. Yet, he still told me I was all clear.
So yesterday, I show up for ballet class. My dance teacher was shocked. I told her I promised to take it easy and not push myself too hard. After all, this was my first day to do any form of physical activity. It seemed my body took every moment it had even up until my dance class (three days and one class after I was technically released) to let me have mostly full function.
A big group of my girls from the studio walked in at one time. When they saw me, they all got really excited and ran to hug me with squeals in their voices. It made me feel so loved, so wanted. Just being in the building made my heart feel so full and happy, let alone getting to dance and be surrounded by my friends.
They were the ones who were most encouraging throughout all this. They understand this desire, and the fulfillment dance brings. The aching deep in my soul to express. They understand how it feels when you have to step away for one reason or another. They missed me as much as I missed them.
One of my friends, Lauren, wasn't there yet. She was the one I was really looking forward to surprising. Allie was just asking where she was when she ran in the studio and grabbed me in the biggest hug ever. It was so great. She told me how every dance day she would be on her way over here, hoping that I would be there that day. Pointe is hard, and we all really encourage each other. I try and use my 25-year-old view on life to encourage their 13-year-old view. Sometimes it can seem difficult, but if we can just push through it, it's worth it. We really band together to endure.
As we were in pointe class and our toes feel like they're going to fall off, I couldn't help but smile, and feel like I was going to burst with happiness. This pain was so wonderful. It meant I was able. It meant I made it. It meant I'm alive and I can function and I can still pursue my dreams. It meant one more step towards progress. The girls did advance quite a bit in the 3 classes I missed; doing pique turns and more across the floor work. So much that Jilissa told us we would do barre on pointe in the first class now, then take them off for floor, and put them back on for pointe. Even though I know I missed those classes they got, I still did all I could. I refused to let fear hold me back from excelling to where they are. I made mental plans of practicing at home more, using the balcony since I don't really have space, looking forward to house sitting for Andie and getting to use her dance room. I figured out what was making my right foot hurt so much more than my left, I need to pull up out of my shoe. That's gonna take a lot of retraining and conditioning. A lot of practice. The more I practice, the faster I advance.
And now that I've had a taste of what it's like to not have the choice to practice, I realize the importance of it. I'll gladly have the pain, it means I'm progressing.
I got home and looked down at my shoes. I realized again that they are mine.
I own pointe shoes.
I am on pointe.
This isn't someone else's pair I'm borrowing.
This isn't observing the girl next to me.
This isn't internet research.
This is reality.
This is beautiful, painful, glorious reality.
I want to dance as long as I have legs. My heart is so full.
I am so grateful to have this opportunity.
<3

Bailando

My dance teacher is the producer of an annual dance festival here in town. This year was the 14th year for Bailando Dance Festival, but the first year for me to attend. Last year I was out of town for work the weekend they had it. This year they wanted to take my gallbladder on the first day of master classes. I had them change it, I didn't want to miss it again.
I'm sure I'll have a few different posts of different things I learned from the various classes and performances of the festival, but this one I want to write about what the adjudicators said after the first night of performances.
There were three adjudicators; Erin Reck, Irene Ko, and Paula Garza. The first night, some of the performances were less than stellar. Lacking here and there in various areas, but there were ones, of course, that stood out and were really impressive. This night also had more variety of styles of dance, including a belly dance as the finale. Not everyone stayed for the adjudication, but I wanted to hear what they had to say about the dance our IDT girls were in and my friend Sarah G choreographed. As they went through each dance in order, everyone respectfully stayed in their seats until all of them were finished--it's the respectful thing to do--except for one company. They were the second to last dance, and instead of waiting for the simple commentary of the final dance, the entire company (which was quite large) got up and left.
The sound of the chair seats snapping as they all stood was extreme loud and distracting, not to mention the shuffling feet and rustling of clothing. More than one person turned around in awe that someone could be so rude.
Honestly, it was their loss.
None of the adjudicators were experts in the field of belly dancing, but that didn't matter. What stood out was resounding and impossible to overlook.
These ladies were able to draw in their audiences and keep their attention not by showing off skin or swishing their hips, but instead by their passion for the dance style. Each one of them was having so much fun, that it radiated off the stage and captivated the audience. It didn't matter if they got everything exactly correct or not, no one could see it past their passion.
This spoke volumes to me, especially with the advanced holiday showcase dance coming around, and being the understudy of sorts. It makes me nervous, because I know that I don't "look like a dancer." I am not gifted with a natural grace or charisma when it comes to this. Even though I am now twenty-five years old, I still find myself rather nervous and insecure, especially when it comes to new styles of dance. I'd love to try a modern/contemporary or lyrical class, but I have no knowledge of it, and fear that I would just pick up right where I left off as an eleven year old--awkward and laughed at.
But, that shouldn't matter to me. What should matter is that I just love to dance. I love to move, to express, to release everything through a variation of steps.
And honestly, that will shine through, even if my technique is lacking.
This shouldn't be an excuse to be lax on my technique, but it should be a comfort to know that passion counts for something.
Does that make sense?
I sure hope so.
Because it really meant a lot to me, to my heart.

Too far ahead.

Jilissa pointed out something in the beginner class that really made more sense in the advanced as I found myself falling prey to it.
She noticed that when we are trying to do a combination that has components we either aren't familiar with or aren't confident in, we tend to lose what we already know.
We turn our foot in on a glissade, we do our pas de bourree the wrong direction, we forget to plie.
These basic building blocks that should be what keeps us stable through the unknown becomes what falters in our fear.
She told us we're looking to far ahead.
We're worrying too much about the step we don't know coming up, that we lose the steps right now that we already know when if we would just get through what we know; a. it looks better, and b. it makes the unknown easier to execute  and more understandable.
This reminded me of ways the Lord has handled fear I've come to Him with.
I get so worked up over things in the future that my panic affects the now. Instead, if I would just keep myself calm and worry about the future when it gets here, I'll realize all the panic was for nothing.
I'm not there yet, why would I waste the time worrying about something that's not even in front of me yet?
I can take it on when I get there, and more than likely everything will work out just fine.
I'll be smarter, I'll be stronger, I'll have more confidence.
I'll be just fine.

Do the moves I know that are in front of me, and when I get to the new I'll be in the right position to face it with an outcome of success.

There goes a fighter.

There were a few different things from yesterday's class that I wanted to write about.
I remembered them at the end of class, but by the time I got to where I could write it down, I had forgotten.
I can remember what I was looking at, what I was taking in of my surroundings when she said it, but I can't remember what it was she said...
Something about gaining strength, I think.

I got upset at myself, because there were things we were doing that I know I knew and understood, but I couldn't get my brain to process enough to actually do them. I guess now that I've finally accepted the fact that I'm sick, the walls have come down and it's laying on me full force. I haven't really been able to eat anything, and that's especially bad on a dance day. My brain just couldn't handle it all. It literally hurt at the end of the class.

Jilissa encouraged us. She asked us what it was that begged us to dance. Why is it that we spend so much time doing this thing? Especially us older ones, what is it that makes us keep coming back? The girls were saying, "because it feels good" as I was thinking, "It's what makes me feel alive." She was saying the way you talk about your time there is a direct reflection of your attitude while being there. This should be our happy place, not something we dread.
That's just it. It is my happy place. Even when the days are really difficult and I can't make it through.
This is what makes me feel alive. When something goes wrong, this is where I want to be. When I want to feel safe, when I want security, when I want to feel accomplished, when I desire to feel love--I want to be at the studio.
And that's what makes this sickness that's holding me back so much harder to deal with. Because it's keeping me from feeling alive. It's keeping me from feeling that sense of accomplishment, from excelling, from improving and enjoying it all. Jilissa said she could tell that as I got frustrated, it just sapped my joy right out of me.
She said we all have days like this--where we feel defeated, where we feel limited, the days we have to fight through. She asked me, "How long have you been dancing?" "Two years in October." I replied.
Everyone reacted in disbelief. "What?!" "That's it?" "Are you serious?" All at once.
"Well, I took when I was little, but I was taught wrong, so I don't really consider it much..."
"Oh my goodness! That's amazing!"

Sometimes I get so upset on how far I want to go that I forget to remember how far I've come.
I've only been in dance--where I'm learning correctly--for almost two years, and where am I? I'm on pointe, I'm in the advanced class, I'm keeping up with the big dogs mostly. After only two years.
Sure, I'm not where I want to be yet. I'm not able to go where I know I'm capable, but I'm so much farther than when I first began. I've overcome so many obstacles. I've pressed through so many difficult days. And it's worth it.
Here comes a fighter.

Uncomfortable strength.

I swear, it's like Jilissa knows that's she's speaking straight to my soul as she gives us these analogies.
During yesterday's class, she challenged us and explained how we're not going to improve unless we're willing to try things we never have before. If we don't bring our leg higher in arabesque, it's never going to get higher. If we never develope higher, it's never going to improve.
She told us, "You have to get it to a place where it's uncomfortable. Not push to far to where you hurt yourself, but you have to constantly push yourself farther."
Then she looked me straight in the eyes as she scanned across the room as she said, " If you're not willing to be uncomfortable, you'll never get stronger."

Cue where my life is right now.
Everything is uncomfortable. Everything is uncertain. This has become all too common for me, but still difficult to digest. And yesterday, I had been loaded with information of potential things to happen that just makes you step back and kinda take it all in, and it just kept coming after class. So much happening all at once, so much change. I have to decide if I'm going to keep myself held up in things from the past, or if I'm going to let go of each day as it ends and keep pushing forward.
This is difficult, because there are so many beloved memories in the past. But the time is coming to where I have to leave them to just memories.
This is a journey, and I'm not yet at the destination. That being the case, I have to keep going. The journey is continuing. I'm along for this ride of life.
And it is indeed a beautiful one.

The mind is powerful.

Jilissa often tells us, "The mind is more powerful than the body."
Usually in the fact that our body will tell us we can't do any more, but if we set our minds that we can, we will.
Yesterday, she took a slightly different approach.
We were doing a new move that I don't remember the name of. It involves brushing through with the back foot, beating to the front, and closing in the back; all in one smooth movement. What we were doing was turning in our standing leg when we tried to brush the working leg. She asked us why. I answered without thinking, "because it feels like it's in the way." Normally, I wouldn't answer. I wouldn't want to look stupid. But I said it before I could think, and wouldn't you know, it was the right answer for the analogy.
Our mind thinks our foot is in the way, when it really isn't, so our mind is trying to tell us that we can't do this move, or that it isn't correct. That's not the case.
We have to retrain our mind so that we can properly execute this move. We have to remind ourselves of what we know is true, even when it seems like it's not right.

The first thing I thought of when she said this?
Romans 12:2
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

Renew your mind.
Remind yourself of what is true, even when what's around you is lies. very convincing lies.
Prove yourself wrong.
Just because you think it doesn't mean it's concrete.
Find what is. Remind yourself of that.
Don't let go of it.

You're only as good as your foundation.

Yesterday everyone seemed to be off on their pirouettes and plies. So, of course, Jilissa worked with us on them.
She went on to tell us the importance of getting a good plie to be able to get around in your turns, or get distance in your traveling steps. If you don't push into the ground, then you won't be able to do things the way they were intended. We often just keep our heels off the ground--whether it be out of laziness, the tempo being too quick for us, forgetting, or any other number of excuses. It doesn't matter.
We're only as good as our plie.
The plie is the foundation of these moves. If the foundation is shaky, everything else is affected.

Where is your foundation?
Is it in people? Only to get shaken when they fail you and let you down?
Is it in your ability? Only to crack when you find yourself inevitably falling short?
Is it in things? Dependent upon creations that eventually malfunction?

Or is it in Christ Jesus? The One who will never fail us. The One who never leaves us. The One who wants us to succeed more than we want to. Our Peace, our Protector, our Joy, our Motivation, our Deliverer.
If you build your foundation on the solid Rock, then you're sure to stand. You won't be shaken when everything around you seems to crumble.
Your foundation will be sure, and upon it you can glide beautifully through all the other moves life has.

Pointe Shoes.

I got my first pair of pointe shoes today.
Now that I'm not in the store, I'm becoming more and more nervous, so I'm leaving them in their bag and box until Thursday's class when Jilissa can see them.
I may just be psyching myself out.
The lady who fitted me pointed out that I'm missing the second knuckle in my last three toes on my left foot.
I just laughed.
Of course, there's gonna be some sort of complication.
Hasn't that been the air of my entire ballet "career"?
The wreck
The arthritis
The physical therapy
The fevers
The sickness I'm still battling and don't understand.
The scheduling
Not to mention all the hurdles at the beginning:
Pigeon-toed
Taught incorrectly
Mixing front and reversed movements interchangeably
No knowledge of vocabulary
Overwhelming anxiety
Doubt and everything else mental that can come ones way.
What's a few short toes on one foot?

Then she told me something I hope I never forget.
"You know what all that tells me? That you're a fighter."
She continued on and pointed out how hard I've worked to get where I am, and with that tenacity, I'll always meet my goals, I can always succeed.
So, I'll hold to these words, as I build new callouses and learn new things. As I have pain I inevitably will have to work through. As things seem questionable, as I struggle. I will fight.
And the fight will be worth it.

Perfection.

Jilissa made a good point in class yesterday.

"You're never going to be perfect."
She's right.
No matter how hard we try, it is physically impossible to be absolutely perfect.
She followed it up with this,
"So, if you can't be perfect, you might as well enjoy what you're doing. You might as well have fun!"
She also added,
"Just because you can never be perfect doesn't mean you shouldn't strive for perfection."
I think there's a scripture about this. I tried finding it, but I don't remember what it is.
But it proves it's point.

Ballet is all about perfection. It's about technique, it's about specifics, it's about being exact. And no matter how close to perfection someone may get, they're never going to be fully perfect. There will always be room for improvement. There will always be new things to learn and tweak.
So don't beat yourself up if you can't get it exactly right every time.

But, this doesn't give us excuse to be lazy.
Even though perfection is impossible, we should still strive to be our best. Why would we want to do anything half way? And honestly, even if you don't have everything exact, as long as you love what you do, it's going to show. People are going to enjoy watching that.

In dance, as in life,
Perfection doesn't matter, having heart does.

lately.

Yesterday was a pretty rough day for me health-wise.
I started feeling pretty sick, and wasn't sure how I would be able to hold up in dance class.
Not gonna lie, I considered skipping.
But I love it so much that I figured I'd go, and if I had to take it easy or bow out early, I'd do that.
I'd rather do what I can than not try at all.

Jilissa is still out of town, so we had another sub.
I'm assuming by the turn out yesterday that Thursdays are going to be our slower days again.
Honestly, I'm okay with that.
It took me a little bit to endure through the icky feelings. My knee held up alright until pointe class, but the pain didn't last long. Honestly, all the stretching and working of the muscles felt good.

We only had about ten people in the Beginner/Intermediate class, five in pointe, and only two of us in advanced. Granted, some of the dance staples were out of town, but even so some of them have a schedule conflict with Tap.

I was pretty excited that advanced was only two of us. And that the other one was Sarah Miller was better still. She's better than me, but it's still a level I can keep up with. I loved getting the exposure and being able to try new things. Also since there were only two of us, Christy was able to focus on us more and correct more things. We were able to fine tune and learn a months worth in one class.
I left there feeling like I could conquer anything. Like I can still succeed in class. Like all this work and effort is paying off.
I'm excited to see where this semester goes.

On Wednesday, I got a sneak peek of what the advertisement is going to look like for the dance festival the studio puts on. They used my pictures and it looks AWESOME.
I'm so excited :)

Get Dedicated.

If you've been following this blog, you'll know that My goal is to get on pointe. Not just get on pointe, but to eventually succeed on pointe. I started back in dance at the age of 23 with the goal of getting on pointe by 25--two years.
Now, in the moment, two years seemed like forever and felt impossible. Almost as if it would never get here. It felt as though I wanted it so badly that there's no way it was possible.
I was scared.
I was taught wrong, pigeon-toed, hyper extended, (without knowing how to use it.) had no knowledge of the actual ballet terminology--in short, I was in way over my head.
But, you have to start somewhere.
I kept going, despite getting in a car accident a few weeks after my first class.
Despite being diagnosed with arthritis in my knee.
Despite physical therapy sessions.
Despite doctors telling me my foot isn't broken, but I should probably stay off of it.
Despite sunburns and fevers.
I kept going.

Last September, I told Jilissa about my goal. I asked her if she thought it was possible. Her reaction made it clear that I'll have to work hard if I want to try and make that goal. I was able to get into two classes a week, helping me accelerate. I looked up dance videos, I practiced, I started walking after work with a lilttle cardio mixed in to try and at least do something more.
After summer's first class, Jilissa issued us a challenge of sorts. Telling us directly that she wouldn't put me up on pointe if we didn't plie, keep our heels down, and get our spot down.
Challenge accepted.
I worked hard. Coming in early to practice pique turns, stretching extra, standing turned out whenever I can. Anything I could think of.
I started looking into a gym membership, but I was clueless about what to do when I got there, where to go, etc. I asked Sarah T for some help with this since she was doing a ballet boot camp with us. She recommended a gym and helped give me the confident nudge I needed.
I got a membership and started going every day that I could after work.

I knew our last class of summer was really important. We needed to show improvement if we wanted any hope of getting on pointe in the fall. Make it or break it time.
Of course, this was the day that my equilibrium was thrown off. I couldn't seem to get a spot to save my life, even though I knew I had before. And even if I wasn't getting it exactly, I was definitely improved. But was it enough?
I had mentally prepared myself that I may have to wait until January. What about my bucket list? I guess it would still be okay because I would be 25. It could still count, right?
At the end of the pointe class, Jilissa looked around the class and said, "Before we end class, I need to see Hannah, Isla." about a second and a half passed and my mind raced with a million thoughts and emotions. This was it. This is the moment. This is the moment it all has boiled down to. I had no clue what would happen.
I was numb.
"...and Emilee. The rest of y'all, if you're not staying for advanced, have a great break and we'll see you in two weeks!"

She said my name. Oh my gosh, she said my name.
You would have thought I had auditioned for a leading role in a prestigious company or something. And even thought we hadn't been told what she wanted to see us for, we all knew.
Or at least, we hoped.
"We're going to be gone for two weeks. Then we have two weeks before labor day. Those two weeks, I want y'all to stay on flat shoes to get you back into the swing of things. But before labor day, I'll give y'all your permission slips to get your pointe shoes."
We all tried to contain our excitement. Act cool, girls. Just act cool.
"Now don't just do nothing these two weeks. You don't want to lose everything you've worked so hard for this summer. Do your releves, degeges, your toe exercises. Make sure you're stretching every day. Every day."

We thanked her and went into the hallway where everyone else was.
Then we freaked out with excitement.

I did it.
I did it.
I made my goal.
My hard work paid off.

I know it's gonna be painful, I know the work and dedication has just begun.
But I did it.
And we get our permission slips 2 weeks before my 25th birthday.
I did it.

Motivation. Dedication. Hard work. Lots of sweat and tears.
The Lord showing me life lessons all along the way. Showing me that I am capable of doing this. That He is in me and that makes me able. That the Holy Spirit is inside of me and He is the author of all creativity. Therefore, I could do this simply because of Him being in me.

It's a wonderful thing.

I am so excited.
I just want to keep improving. I want to get better. I want more flexibility, more strength, more improvement.

This is just the beginning.

It takes dedication to see the difference.

My dance teacher has been gone here and there this summer.
In her place, sometimes we have Sarah T teach us.
I really love it when we get her as a sub, because she understands where we are and she has a great way of explaining things. Sometimes a different point of view can help substantially.

In these classes, she has taught me many things I have wanted to blog about, but I get so excited that I forget to remember them... It makes me really mad, because they are wonderful life lessons and she's inadvertently showing me how to be a better person.
One thing that is undeniable is her dedication.
She is a living example that if you're dedicated, you'll see the difference.
She also takes us where we are, challenges us to push harder, but understands if there's a reason we have to slow down. She doesn't let you just sit in excuses, but gives you the balance when something may not be functioning as well.

I have a hard time with my circulation. I forget to breathe or don't breathe correctly, and it affects my performance. I'm trying to build up my endurance, and have to start very small. Usually, this embarrasses me enough to avoid it, but I don't want to do that anymore. I want to get serious. That's gonna take doing new things, which I'm scared of.
Exposure, accountability, endurance.
These three things are happening, and I'm on my way to becoming the best me I have ever been.

Also, I'm being challenged to improve the things I already know how to do. To really get a taste of the difficulty ballet can pose. And I'm concurring. I'm improving and pushing through to be better.

I really appreciate Sarah and her way of life. It's a great example to show me that it's possible to do these things I desire.

update

Thought I broke my foot, but I didn't.
I was coming out of a fouette turn, and heard something pop in the center of my foot. I didn't think much of it, because it didn't hurt, but the next day I noticed it was swollen. I took a picture of it to show to my dance friend and saw it was bruised.
Great.
Went and got x rays, and turns out it's not broken.
Okay...
so, what do I do?
I can't afford to skip another dance class. If I want to improve, I have to dedicate as much time as I can to this.
What did I do?
I was stubborn and went to dance class.
And wouldn't you know it, the arch on that foot is so beautiful now!!
I wish I could do the same thing to my other foot so they match.
I'm guessing whatever that pop sound was helped my arch in some way.
Go figure.

Last week was a rough week in class, but Monday's class went wonderfully. I'm feeling really good about it all and was able to keep up. I'm hoping this is an oncoming trend.

Universal

Jilissa was explaining to us the importance of technique the other day.
She mentioned how if you're taught correctly, you can go anywhere in the world, and make it in their class.

I realized another reason why I love ballet.

Ballet, like love, is universal.
You may not speak the same language, you may not know the persons name, you may have no other connection, but those are two things that are the same everywhere.

My heart is full.

Today was rough.
My left leg (which is usually my good leg) felt fake.
My right leg oddly did well.
My brain felt like it wasn't there at all
Seriously, like I couldn't recognize anything above my neck. It felt blank.
What the heck has gotten into me?
I got really frustrated in class, and felt so horrible for it, because I couldn't explain what had me so...just, off.
I ended up going up to Jilissa afterwards and apologizing. I don't know what my deal is.

Why can't I get these simple moves I should know?
Why do I so overwhelmingly feel like I'm so far behind on where I should be?
Why does it feel so impossible?

I found myself actually considering quitting.
Why not?
Life is insane and all over the place.
I can't be everything to everyone as it is.
Worst part is, I don't want to be. I'm so much happier when I'm not. But then I feel so guilty, I don't know what to do about it.

I just want to dance.
I want to commit.
I don't want everything else getting in the way.
I want to dance and take pictures.
And be happy.

Not that the rest of my life is bad, because it's not.
But I just want to do this...

Why does it feel like even though I've done everything "right" in life (the way I was told to, I don't do "bad" things. I did everything i'm supposed to) I seem to be the most out of place. It seems like everyone who did these wrong things that I was seemingly wise enough to avoid are the ones that have found themselves in the place we're supposed to be through them.

Where did I go wrong?
What the heck am I supposed to do?

I feel numb today. Seriously, like my left leg is fake and my mind isn't me.
I just hope this goes away soon.

Secrets.

I went to dance class yesterday besides being sunburned to a crisp.
People called me stubborn or ridiculous, but I knew I needed to be there.
No excuses.
Honestly, it helped me;having my knees so tight helped me to feel what I was doing wrong or right.
On top of that, I'm glad that I was there to hear the tips Jilissa had.
While we were in Advanced class trying to work on combinations, she would do her normal thing where she would say things we needed to be working on as we danced. There was one that just clicked for Annika, and after it clicked, Jilissa talked to us.
"I knew what it was Annika needed to fix, but I knew it wouldn't do any good if I said it. Sometimes the best way for y'all to learn is by letting you figure out where it is you're going wrong and ask me in a way you understand. Sometimes it's something really simple, and once it clicks, it makes all the difference. I have all the secrets, but if I tell you all the secrets, then they don't mean as much. It'd be like me throwing up all over you all this dance lingo and you wouldn't be able to handle it. But as you learn and practice and keep going, then I can give you the secrets as you're able to handle them."

Mind = Blown.

That's how the Lord works. He has all the secrets to a successful life that we could ever need. But if He gave them all to us at once, then they wouldn't mean as much. We wouldn't yearn for them, we wouldn't yearn for Him. It would be all to simple. Our pride would get in the way.
I'm not gonna lie, I laughed when she said the "throwing up" part. But that's because I knew what she was saying was significant, and I was trying to remember it for this blog post. Everyone sure did look at me funny for laughing... hehehehe :)

Fuel the fire

In class yesterday, I noticed that I am now officially the only one not on pointe.
Everyone else has been able to get their pointe shoes and are now beginning to work on learning everything over again on their toes.
At first, it really bothered me. Them? How are they on pointe, and not me? I know I can do more than her!
But, then I thought about it. They probably remember to plie. They probably keep their heels down. They probably remember to spot. Those things Jilissa said I have to do before she'll put me up on pointe. And not because she wants to be mean, or wants to keep me from the one thing I desire so badly. On the contrary. She does this to help me. She knows that it will be easier for me to transition to pointe if I can master these things in ballet shoes first. That it will be less stressful for me.
I know that I can trust Jilissa. I know that she knows better than I do. And even when it seems like everyone else is excelling before me, that everyone is better than me, that this isn't a race. It's not about whose better or whose worse or whatever. It's about us going at our own pace, doing what is best for us. It's hard, too, because some friends of mine have joined dance. And they are liable to be very fast learners. But I can't let that get me down.
I have to remember where I came from. I have to remember that I am different. I have to remember how much I want this. I have to work hard.
I have to let the challenges fuel the fire.

Recital

We've had recital rehearsal the past two days
And I've realized that I want to dance.
Yes, I know, I already dance
But I want to make this one of my main priorities.
I want to be able to make it one of my main priorities.
I love dancing, I love preforming, I love practicing, I love it all.

I don't know how this will happen, but my heart burns for it.

Dancer's High

"When you're here, you don't have to think about anything else but this. For that amount of time, all that matters is what is going on in here. Not anything else"
She's so right.
And that is one of my favorite thing
It's like that studio is the box of security.
That once you step foot in, nothing else matters.
No one can get to you, nothing can hurt you, nothing can upset you.
All that matters is the step you're perfecting and whatever comes next.

The world melts away.

Next level.

My dance teacher said something during a discussion that made my night.
She got us all together at the end and was expressing the importance of us all being there. We need to learn the recital piece, and even for those few of us that are always there, having people missing hurts us all. It holds us back when we have to go back and re-teach.
She was telling us how the 6 year olds are doing better than we are, and how we should be the best dance next to the advanced ballet one. That's when she said it.
"Every single one of you in here are intermediate ballet. No one in here is beginner anymore."
My heart beamed with pride.
I love ballet. I love it so much.
My heart is so full when I dance.
I know summer is going to be intense, and difficult, but I am so excited to get to do it all.

<3 <3 <3

Summer classes

Okay, so this isn't really anything I'm learning, but it is something I'm really excited about!
Jilissa told us today what to expect for the summer classes.
Usually we'll start a little earlier or go a little longer or something that changes it a little bit.

Today she told us we would start at 5:15 instead of 6.
That Beginner/Intermediate will be from 5:15-6:15
Then we'll have a pointe class from 6:15-6:45
Then we'll have advanced from 6:45-8

She then told us,
"I highly recommend you stay for the pointe class. Even if you're not on pointe yet, but you're working towards it. It's going to be a lot of releve's and strengthening exercises. It's going to be really good. And every single one of you in here can stay for the advanced class. I want every single one of you in the advanced class."
wait, all of us? We can all stay?
I can stay for advanced?!

She then went on to tell us that it's going to be a lot of hard work and really going for it this summer. Summer's tend to be a little more intense and really good for challenging and bettering you.
I'm really excited. My goal is to get on pointe by fall, but I know if that doesn't happen, then it'll be okay. I don't want to get on earlier than what I'm ready for. But she was making a lot of eye contact with me, so I know she knows I want this. And the fact that she's changing the classes to do these things that are going to help me so much, I'm PUMPED.

I'm really looking forward to summer :)

My heart belongs in flight.

I got to stay for the advanced class yesterday.
It was the perk of being the only dancer to show up that wasn't advanced.
Only 4 people were in the class.
This never happens.
I think it helped. We were able to focus and really hone in.
I'm clearly not an advanced dancer, but I definitely loved getting to experience it.
To know where my path will hopefully one day go.
To know what I'm working towards.
We got to do partnering, too.
My first time ever.
I can't remember the last time I felt so alive
So free.
I felt like a professional, even though I know well that I am not.
In my mind, I was flawless.
It felt like flying.
It felt like grace.
There, in that moment, nothing else mattered.
Not a thing in the world.
Nothing before, nothing after
Just that moment of weightless grace.

That is where my heart belongs.

I'm so grateful to have had that taste.

Discipline.

I think nowadays, people don't learn what discipline really is.
Most people, that is. Some do.

In class, I find myself challenged a lot. And there's plenty of times I can make excuses.
"I can't do this on the right side because of my knee"
"I feel nauseous, maybe I shouldn't go to class"
"I'm not as good as them, so I'm just gonna keep it low key so they don't see me struggle as I try."
"Um. I can't even say that. It looks like a complicated prance. Maybe I shouldn't try it today."

And I tell myself.
"SHUT UP AND DANCE."

If all I do is make excuses, then I'm never going to get anywhere. I'm never going to reach my goal.
The least I can do is try.
If it hurts, then I know.
If I can't do it now, I can't do it.
If I'm not as good as them, at least I'm on my way.
If I don't feel good, I can always leave when I've had enough.

I'm never going to get anywhere with excuses.

Same with life.
Mine has been all over the place and really inconsistent.

I can make all the excuses in the world.
"I can't eat better until I have my own place."
"I'm not gonna cook, I don't like feeling watched."
"I don't have time"
"I have too much to do."
"I can't do this until *insert excuse here* happens."
And then whine about all the weight I've gained and how nothing has changed.

If I want there to be progress in my life, I have to first start.
I have to do what I can. I have to meet fate halfway.
At least.
I have to do something.
Something is better than nothing.

So I'm stuck in a building I can't leave for 12 straight hours.
I can't go to the gym, I can't go walking, but there are activities I can do here.
I don't have to get fast food because it's easy. I can get premade sandwiches and salads and stuff that's fresh and fairly healthy. Better than grease.

Pointe is, I can stop making excuses and start making progress.

(see what I did there?)

Keep your chin up

Forgive me in my attempts to explain things today.
My head is fuzzy.

Our dance teacher was explaining to us the balance in keeping our chests lifted as we raised our legs in arabesque as we did this one move I don't remember the name of.
It's like a pendulum. Our arm shifts down as our leg shifts up, but we have to keep it level.
If not, it's broken.

The way she said this statement hit me.

Keep your chin up, keep it level. If not, it's broken.
Keep your chin up, little dancer.
You are not broken.
Nothing can break your spirit.
Keep your head up.

Diagnosis.

I have arthritis in my knee.
At the ripe old age of 24, I have arthritis.
My doctor is going to send me to physical therapy in hopes that it will help.
They did xrays on Friday which I should hear back about tomorrow.
So far, no surgery.
This good.
Still, it's scary.
I noticed in class Thursday that I was too afraid of pain to try and push my right side very much.
This is a hindrance.
A million and 17 fears ran through my brain.

I can't let those define me.
I am more than arthritis.
I am more than any ailment that tries to come against me.
And I'm gonna dance, gosh darn it.

Keep on dreaming, even if it breaks your heart.

The human body can be broken, but the human spirit is uncrushable.
If you decide you won't let it be crushed.

I finally broke down and asked Jilissa about the pain in my knee.
It was tolerable, but has recently started getting worse.
I noticed a while back that when I bend my right knee, it felt like it was crunching under the knee cap. I had asked Jilissa about it, and she made a grimace face. Not good. She told me to watch it and try and be careful with it.
That was almost a year ago. For the most part it's been okay, but I noticed last week that it was pretty consistently shooting pain in the same spot.
So I asked her.
Once again, grimace.
She said that under the knee cap, it's not good. It could possibly need to be scraped. Dr's usually say not to do the surgery unless it's affecting your day-to-day like. "But, you're a dancer, so." She said that technology and modern medicine has come a long way, so I could possibly only be out for 3 weeks. But she's not a Dr, so all of this could be way off.
I decided I'm gonna get it checked out anyway. Just to see.
I really don't want to. I'm afraid I'll be told not to dance. Or not to get on pointe. Which it my dream I'm working towards. Or that I wouldn't get to do recital in June, which I have been looking forward to all year.
But, I can't let this overwhelm me.
If I give up, then I really will never reach my dreams.
Sure, it's a pretty tough pill to swallow to think that I may lose the one and only thing I really have left to hold on to. But I have to keep pushing forward.
Stopping ensures defeat.

Remember to breathe.

I have a horrible habit.
When I focus really hard, I forget to breathe.
Whether it be while crocheting, reading, watching the turning point in a movie, something super specific...
Anything that demands my full attention.
Sometimes I'll be on a long black train of thoughts and realize I'm not breathing.

It's worst when I dance.
Trying to remember everything; turn out from the hip, use your core, pull up in your legs, chest lifted. Let alone trying to do a circular port de bras and rond de jambe at the same time. In releve.
If you forget to breathe, forget it. You'll end a 30 second combination super light headed and beat down.

I was having a rough night this week, and a dear friend said simply, "Remember to breathe."
When I get really upset, I'll hold my breathe. I don't even realize it.
But it's like in dance when I'm really focused. I have to remember or else it's going to make the next combination even more difficult.

I'm never going to be put through anything I can't handle.
If I can remember to breathe, remember to think clearly, remember to dismiss the lies telling me of all the ways I fall short, then I will be able to endure. Then the next thing that comes at me will be endurable. I'll know I can do it because I have before.

Remember to breathe.
Everything is better in the morning.

When life is hard.

Recently in class, Jilissa has been working us pretty hard.
We've all gotten to the point where we're pretty level  in skill, so she's been throwing new stuff at us and really pushing us.
Before, I probably would freak out at the fact that it's new and I can't do it, but recently that hasn't been the case. I would panic if I didn't get it the first or second time. Then I would shut down and not be very productive for the rest of the class.
But now, I've realized that is all in my head.
The Lord sat me down last year and told me, "The Holy Spirit is the author of all creativity. And if He lives inside of you, what makes you think you can't do the things I've placed inside of you to desire to do?"
And that put me straight on my face. Okay, makes sense, I'll have confidence.

That was last year. Fast forward to today.
Jilissa throws these new and difficult things at us, and instead of panicking when things get difficult, I'm able to have a confident approach. I know that if I can't get it the first time, that's okay. I can just put it on the back burner and figure it out on my time. The point is that I try.
And when I try, I amaze myself at how much I can actually do.

Instead of looking at it and seeing all the negatives, seeing all the ways I can mess it up, all the ways that I don't do it well, I look at it and see the possibilities.
I know I'm not awesome yet, but I know I'm on my way. And if I never try new things, I'll never get there. If I never fall flat on my face, I'll never learn.

So when life seems the same, when things look really difficult, or impossible, or hopeless. Don't look at it and see all the difficulties that you'll face, look at it and see all the positives it holds. All the potential.
Don't get upset that you're not where you want to be yet, find ways to be grateful for where you are right now.

You'll get there, eventually, on your own time.
Until then, enjoy the journey.

let it go and move on.

Jilissa pointed out that sometimes we seem to get caught up on one move we can't master.
It'll ruin the rest of our day.
she suggested just putting it out of your head. Take that move, that sequence, whatever it is you can't seem to get. Accept it, put it to the side and keep going. you can come back to it later when you're ready to try it again.
And that's okay.

We aren't gonna get everything exactly right the first time.
We're gonna make mistakes, we're gonna trip up.
There will even be things we have seemingly mastered that will just seem impossible on some days.
That's okay.
Accept it.
Let it go.
Move on.

Don't let it ruin your entire day.
Don't let it drain you of the other things that have the potential to be beautiful.
Leave it to be contained in that one thing.
Don't take it with you to everything.

Whatever it is that is haunting your thoughts
whatever seeming failures or mistakes or confusion
Just accept it, let it go, and move on.

Find your center.

Use your center.

If I had a dollar for every time my dance teacher said this, I'd be a millionaire.

Your center-your core- is one of the most important things to engage in dance. If you don't have your center,  if you can't find it, if you don't use it, you're not going to look very graceful. If you can even make it through the combination.

I've been having a hard time recently. An identity crisis, of sorts. 

I didn't feel like I know who I really was. I knew me, but I felt like the core of me had disappeared. 

One of my closest friends, Kristin, and I went to go see our traditional movie around Christmas. This year we went to see Rise of the Guardians.  

Oh. My. Gosh.

So good. 

It was actually her second time seeing it, and I can see why.

It has such a wonderful message behind it, and it played right to my heart.

What's your point? What are you here for? What makes you tick? 

If you can find that, then you're set.

I went to my parents church last Wednesday.

Wouldn't you know it, they went on a "Jesus is at the center of it all" tangent. 

And it made perfect sense. 

He should be my center. He should be what defines me, what keeps me going.

I realized why it is that so many people feel they have a say in my life and decisions.

Because I let them.

I've been so concerned with not offending anyone that I had lost who I am.

I would tweak things about myself to better mesh with them and their personalities and lifestyles.

Nothing too drastic or life altering, per se. I didn't do drugs or sleep around or anything like that, but it affected me nonetheless.

I need to find my center. What makes me tick. What makes me who I am.

No one can define it for me, and if I rely on that I am setting myself up for failure.

I can hold people and things close, but I have to remember that it is indeed all temporary. 

And if I was to lose everything I know and love, I can't let it break me down.

Sure, it would hurt and it would be an adjustment. But I can't let it break me.

This dance we call life. It'll look a whole lot better if we find our center and engage it. 

Life makes so much more sense and is more enjoyable now.